Jerry[while playing Scrabble] "Quone"?
Jerry
"Quone"? No, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to challenge that.
[Jerry picks up the dictionary]
No, you don't have to challenge that. That's a word. That's a definite word.
Jerry
I am challenging.
Quone. To quone something.
Jerry
Uh-huh.
[Jerry looks up the word]
I'm not playing with you anymore.
Jerry
[showing the dictionary] No good. Sorry. There it is. Get it off.
[to Kramer] Why did you make me put that down?
Nah, we need a medical dictionary! If a patient gets difficult, you quone him.
[Realizing that the robbery was his fault] Look, Jerry, I'm sorry, I'm uh, you have insurance, right buddy?
Jerry
No.
[Staggers in shock] How can you not have insurance?
Jerry
Because...I spent my money on the Clapgo D. 29, it's the most impenetrable lock on the market today... it has only one design flaw: the door... [closing door] MUST BE CLOSED!!
Jerry! I'm gonna find your stuff. I'm gonna solve it, I'm on the case, buddy, I'm on the case!
Jerry
Yeah, don't investigate, don't pay me back, it was an accident.
Jerry
In your way.
Come on. Let's go do something. I don't want to just sit around here. Wanna get something to eat?
Jerry
Where?
I don't care. I'm not hungry.
Jerry
We could go to one of those cappuccino places. They let you just sit there.
What are we gonna do there, talk?
Jerry
We can talk.
I'll go if I don't have to talk.
Jerry
Then we'll just sit there.
Jerry
I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humor.
I never heard him say anything really funny.
Jerry
But it's common sense. He's got super strength, super speed.. I'm sure he's got super humor.
You would think that, but either you're born with a sense of humor, or you're not. It's not going to change even if you go from the red sun of Krypton all the way to the yellow sun of the Earth.
Jerry
Why? Why would that one area of his mind not be affected by the yellow sun of Earth?
I don't know but he ain't funny.
What evidence is there that cats are so smart, anyway? Huh? What do they do? Because they're clean? I am sorry. My Uncle Pete showers four times a day and he can't count to ten. So don't give me hygiene.
Jerry
So what are you gonna do?
I don't know. I can't think of any solution, unless of course they should meet with some unfortunate accident. What do you think a hit man would charge to rub out a couple of cats?
Jerry
Well, it couldn't be too expensive. Thirteen, fourteen bucks a cat?
What do you think, Jerry? You wanna make twenty-eight bucks?
Jerry
I'm no cat killer.
[about his cantaloupe] Forty-nine cents a pound. That's practically half than what you're paying at the supermarket. I don't know why you don't go to Joe's.
Jerry
It's too far.
It's three blocks further. You can use my shopping cart.
Jerry
I'm not pulling a shopping cart. What am I suppose to wear? A kerchief? Put stockings on and roll 'em down below my knee?
See, the other thing is, if you don't like anything, he takes it right back.
Jerry
I don't return fruit. Fruit is a gamble. I know that going in.
Jerry
This jacket has completely changed my life. When I leave the house in this, it's with a whole different confidence. Like tonight, I might've been a little nervous. But, inside this jacket, I am composed, grounded, secure that I can meet any social challenge.
Can I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality.
Jerry
Absolutely.
[about Elaine taking the apartment above Jerry] How could you do that?
Jerry
'Cause I'm an idiot! You may think you're an idiot, but with all due respect - I'm a much bigger idiot than you are.
Don't insult me, my friend. Remember who you're talking to. No one's a bigger idiot than me.
Jerry
Did you ever ask an ex-girlfriend to move into your building?
Did you ever go to a singles weekend in the Poconos?
Jerry
She's right in my building! Right above me! Every time I come in the building, I'm gonna have to sneak around like a cat burglar.
You're doomed. You're gonna have to have all your sex at women's apartments. It'll be like a permanent road trip. Forget about the home bed advantage.
Jerry
But I need the home bed advantage!
Jerry
You have no idea what an idiot is. Elaine just gave me a chance to get out and I didn't take it. This (pointing to himself) is an idiot.
Is that right? I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex, and floor seats for every sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect, for I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots.
RRoxanne
[yelling out the window to the marathon runners] You're all winners!
But suddenly, a new contender has emerged.
Maybe I could be like, an announcer. Like a color man. You know how I always make those interesting comments during the game.
Jerry
Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments.
Jerry
Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting.
Well, that's really not fair.
Jerry
[after the doctor tells him George did not have a heart attack] Oh, and.. do you think it would be alright if I called Susan Davis?
Susan Davis? Hey, wait a second..
Jerry
Well, it's not like we'd be bumping into you.
I don't know.. you and Susan Davis?
Jerry
You know, if your future was a little more certain..
Okay, go ahead. Call her, get married, have babies, have a great life.. What do I care? I'm finished. It's all over for me. In fact, let's end it right now. Jerry, kill me, kill me now. I'm begging you. Let's just get it over with. Be a pal.. Just take the pillow and put it over my face.
Jerry
Well, ah.. [Takes his pillow] What? Kind of like this? [Violently smothers George with the pillow. George freaks out.]
What are ya doing?! Whadya, crazy?!
[Elaine enters and sees Jerry's jokingly trying to kill George]
Jerry
[Surprised] Elaine, what are you doing here? [Quickly puts George's pillow back behind his head like nothing happened]
Jerry
[whispers to Elaine] There's nothing wrong with him. I spoke with the doctor; he's fine.
[smiles as she catches on, then goes to George in a concerned manner] Hi, George, how are you feeling? Is anyone looking at your apartment?
TTor
No. You know, I am not a businessman. I'm a holistic healer. It's a calling, it's a gift. You see, it's in the best interest of the medical profession that you remain sick. You see, that ensures good business. You're not a patient. You're a customer.
Jerry
[thinking] And you're not a doctor, but you play one in real life.
Jerry
Why shouldn't we be able to do that once in a while if we want to?
Jerry
I mean, really, what is the big deal? We go in there. [Points to the bedroom] We're in there for a while. We come right back out here. It's not complicated.
It's almost stupid if we didn't.
Jerry
It's moronic.
Jerry
Of course, I guess, maybe, some little problems could arise.
Well, there are always a few.
Jerry
I mean, if anything happened, and we couldn't be friends the way we are now, that would be really bad.
Jerry
Because this is very good. [Points back and forth between them to indicate friendship]
And that would be good. [Points to bedroom]
Jerry
That would be good too. The idea is combine the this and the that. But this cannot be disturbed.
Yeah, we just wanna take this and...add that.
Jerry
But of course, we'd have to figure out a way to avoid the things that cause the little problems. Maybe some rules or something.
Jerry
For example, now, I call you whenever I'm inclined and vice versa.
Jerry
But if we did that, we might feel a certain obligation to call.
Well why should that be? Oh, I have an idea. I have an idea. No calls the day after that.
Jerry
Beautiful. Let's make it a rule.
Jerry
Now here's another little rule. When we see each other now, we retire to our separate quarters. But sometimes, when people get involved with that, they feel pressure to sleep over. When that is not really sleep. Sleep is separate from that. And I don't see why sleep got all tied up and connected with that.
Okay, okay. Spending the night is optional!
Jerry
Well now we're gettin' somewhere.
Now, what about the kiss goodnight?
Jerry
Tough one; your call.
Seinfeld · 352 quotes
