Dr. Christopher Turk quotes from Scrubs

Ted

[seeing Turk and J.D. hug] I need one of those.

J.D.

A hug?

Ted

No, a black friend. I think it would make me much cooler.

Turk

I should be offended, but he's right.

I know what you guys are trying to do; I just can't get over the fact that one minute I'm here and the next, I'm not?

J.D.

[voiceover:] And that's when Turk and I told George how we really felt. [aloud:] George, I'm terrified of dying.

Turk

Me, too.

Then why'd you lie?

J.D.

We fight death for a living every single day. We can't let it know we're afraid of it or it'll kick our ass.

J.D.

Dude, have you been having fantasies about Muppets all day too?

Turk

No, but I'm straight.

J.D.

That's just un-called for.

Turk

[to Dr. Cox] Have you seen J.D.?

No, I have not. Would you like to know why? He isn't coming in today. He's on a mini-vacation. And it isn't just today; he's not coming in tomorrow, which, by the way, is my day off. But not anymore! I'm coming in early and I'm staying late, because life is too darn short to spend the day bonding with my family when I could be roaming the halls of this hospital without the possibility of running into that bearded hug-monster you call a best friend.

Turk

So you're working tonight too, huh?

Elliot

Yeah.

Turk

Yeah, I'm the on-call surgical-attending. I kinda signed up because J.D. was supposed to be working with me.

Elliot

I'm covering for him, he and Sam went on a little trip to... You know what, it's not important.

Turk

Oh, no, no, no, finish your thought.

Elliot

I didn't wanna be the one to tell you this. Kim had a medical conference in Anaheim and so J.D. went and took Sam to Disneyland...

Turk

That's impossible. Because he and I swore to each other that, since neither one of us has ever been to Disneyland, that we would go for our 40th birthday together.

Elliot

What do you want me to say?

Turk

I want you to tell me that he's not at Disneyland right now, can you tell me that?

Elliot

No.

Turk

You know what, adults move on. And that's what I'm doing right now, I'm moving on. How do you wanna handle tonight's workload?

Elliot

Okay, I was thinking-

Turk

[screaming] I can't do it Elliot! You know, I tried! I tried, but it hurts too bad, it hurts me deep right here. It hurts me, I can feel it in my chest, that man went to Disneyland without me! They got roller-coasters that roller-coaster in the dark! Okay? You don't know where the turns are coming from! They got the Finding Nemo ride, where you're riding around with Nemo! And it is a ride, a ride, with Nemo!

Turk

Derek, can you give Denise's patient a thoracentesis and get that fluid out of there?

Surgery to the rescue! [to Denise] You are welcome.

Denise

Awww, that's adorable: you have a crush on yourself. I'd be careful, the guy you're in love with is a douche.

Carla

I'm just saying, the only time you guys haven't been together was our honeymoon.

Carla

What?

J.D.

It's time.

Turk

No!

J.D.

Yes!

Turk

Fine. Honey, uh, J.D. and I were together during our honeymoon. He flew in and stayed in the bungalow by the pool.

J.D.

He forgot his favorite lotion! Was I supposed to let him get ashey?

There is so much I could teach you, if you would just open up and let me in. Let me in, Turk!

Turk

I'm about to punch you in the mouth!

Fine, but be forewarned: I trained with the Mossad. I could kill you with a button off your jacket.

Turk

Really. Because I trained with LaMarcus down at the gym, and he was an NFL linebacker before he came out of the closet!

Dr. Kelso

Anyway, I got a little bit lightheaded, so we're going to run some tests.

Turk

I wouldn't worry about it. A few years back, I got a little light-headed myself. Turns out it was, well... it was diabetes. That's a bad example.