Doctor Cox quotes from Scrubs

The good news is that, Murray and his dad are a match, kidney wise. The better news is that the test revealed a little secret that you're gonna wanna share with your new pal. Gregory isn't Murray's biological father! By the by, this moment is so great, I'd cheat on that other moment from before, marry this one, and raise a family of tiny, little moments.

He seems strangely impervious to my threats. That annoys me.

You're black? 'Cause last I checked you had a nerdy white best friend, you enjoy Neil Diamond, and you damn sure act like a black guy... and these, my friend, are all characteristics of white guys. Please understand, I'm a huge supporter of the NAACP. If you don't know what that stands for, it's the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. And quite frankly, I always thought they should change the 'colored people' to 'African Americans' but then of course it wouldn't be the NAACP, it'd be the N quad A or NAAAA. And I know this probably sounds like a digression but actually brings me back to my original point... Do I think you're black? Naaaaaaaaa!

Barbie why did you order this test? For the love of God, are you a real doctor or a doctor like Dr. Pepper is a doctor? Hmmm?

You've been wrong so many times that I'm not even going to say something is wrong anymore. I'm going to say that it's "Dorian".

[as the Knight] My name is Percival Cox. You're killing my friend. Prepare to die.

[narrating] And the princess and the idiot decided that their kiss didn't mean anything. [JD as The Village Idiot and Elliot as The Princess shake hands] Because in the end... they were both idiots.

Death doesn't really bother me unless it's someone I know. And even then, if it happens in a funny way, like my cousin who, honest to God, was flattened by a steamroller... I still actually enjoy it.

Okay class, with the exception of number one here, today's assignment is to drop out of medical school. Your parents' money would be better spent stuffed into garbage bags and shot into the sun.

Ya know, it used to be 'see one, do one, teach one.' Alas, now it is 'see one, see one, see one, see one, see one more, call your therapist, talk about how it felt to see one, decide that seeing one is just too triggering, you take a Xanax to calm down and Adderall to lock in, aaaaaaaand... finally focus enough to be able to write about the whole ordeal in your dream journal.' Of course, if your dream is to be a mediocre doctor, mission accomplished. And, by all means, hang on to the scrubs. Maybe use 'em for Halloween, 'cause you're damn sure not gonna be using them around here much longer.

Why does this Gomer have to try and die every day during my lunch?

J.D.

That's a little insensitive.

J.D.

[narration] Mistake.

The man is 92 years old. He has full dementia. He doesn't even know we're here. He's inches away from Carla's rack and he hasn't even flinched.

Carla

Aww, that is so sweet.

Yeah, it is.

J.D.

What about his subconscious?

[whispers in the patient's ear] Eisenhower... was a sissy! [sarcastically jumps back into a defensive crouch, then resumes glaring at J.D.] I think, by the grace of God, we're gonna be OK. Oh, and from now on, whenever I'm in the room, you're definitely not allowed to talk.

Elliot

Dr. Cox.

I'm hoping, for your sake, there's another Dr. Cox sitting right behind me.

Elliot

I feel stupid, but, sending me to Kelso like that—well, I'm not sure, exactly, what you were trying to teach me.

The value - and this is important - of leaving me alone.

I want you to spread the word, missy. I've... had... enough. The next whiny intern that comes in here looking to me for a cookie and a hug, I swear to Aisha, I'm going to hurt them. And you, you neurotic one-woman freak-show, take your blah-blah to the blah-blah-ologist. Because if you are so stupid as to confront the Chief of Medicine over some quasi-offensive endearment, then you've just got to go ahead and replace the captain of your brainship, because he's drunk at the wheel!

Elliot

So, you're telling me I have to pick my battles. Thanks, Dr. Cox. [Walks off]

[confused] You're welcome.

She doesn't want dialysis? Well, if she declines dialysis, then there is no ethical dilemma.

J.D.

But what about our duty as doctors to do everything in our power to help--

(mock-crying) "But what about our duty as doctors?" (normal voice) Look, this has nothing to do with your patient. It's all about you. You are afraid of death, and you can't be. You're in medicine. You've gotta accept the fact that everything we do here- everything- is a stall. We're just trying to keep the game going, that's it. But ultimately, it always ends up the same way.

J.D.

Your ex-wife. She's the answer.

Uhhh... Things that ruined my life. Things that took half my money? Things with sharp edges!