J.D. quotes from Scrubs

J.D.

[voiceover] Ted finally said what we were all thinking.

Ted

[to Kelso] Why are you spending your retirement hanging around the place you used to work? It's so sad. By comparison, it almost makes my life seem... [pause] Aw! Still sad!

J.D.

The point is, Elliot. You're a lot stronger than you used to be. I've changed, too... I have a beard now.

Elliot

How about you? Do you still let that inner-voice of yours control you?

J.D

[inner-voice] This is getting too serious! Kick her! Kick her in the head! [out loud] Not as much.

J.D.

Dude, have you been having fantasies about Muppets all day too?

Turk

No, but I'm straight.

J.D.

That's just un-called for.

Jack

Janice, you have one ugly baby, seriously.

J.D.

[to Dr. Cox] Did you actually teach your son to be mean to a baby?

Not just any baby but your baby.

Come on, Jackie boy, we're going to get 10,000 jelly beans. I love you so much. [walks off with Jack]

J.D.

[to Sam] They can be so hurtful.

J.D.

You need to hire a few more nurses.

Look, Tammy. We don't have the money. If you want to go out and raise the cash yourself, feel free. Maybe you could sell your eggs to a fertility clinic, or sell that beard of yours to the Ridiculous Museum. Better yet, you could make a list of all the people you drive insane and tell them that for a nominal fee, you'll never speak to them again. You of course offer them a monthly subscription at a reduced rate, just to reel them in. And then after a while of you not talking to them, people will forget just how annoying you are and they'll let their subscription run out. And, bang! That's when you show up at their house, and you drive them insane all over again, by speaking to them. And here's the kicker. When everyone's trying to re-subscribe, you lay it on them that the price is now quadruple. And I'm predicting, and that's a low-end guesstimate, you're looking at about $100,000,000 a quarter, easy. You give the hospital a hundred thou, we hire a few nurses. But, until then, you go tell Carla it ain't happening.

J.D.

That was super fun.

[clears throat] I just wanna say somethin' before we kiss, okay? [to guests] And thanks for coming even though I didn't want you here. [To Lady] Uh, I know that I'm weird, but uh, you know, you'd be weird too, if your mother aged backwards, like mine did. So the thing is that I always kind of... figured that I would end up alone. And then you came along.

Mmhmm?

And you don't just accept my quirks and my crazy stories and my lies about my mom, you actually appreciate me for them. And uh, I don't think I'll ever stop appreciating you, for that. But I know that I'll never stop loving you for it.

I love you too. [Janitor and Lady kiss]

J.D.

[narration] And right then we all realized the value of the romantic gesture, from one person who loves someone, to another.

J.D.

Look, Elliot, I don't know if it's possible for me to put how I feel about you into words, but I guess I'll give it a shot. I never really believed I'd find somebody that I love as much as you. I love you more than anything in the whole world. Elliot, I love you more than Turk.

Elliot

[touched] Oh, my God.

J.D.

I know, that's even hard for me to say, but it's true.

It's not fair that we still have to be in each other's lives.

J.D.

I know, but I also know that the girls aren't going to let up until we make peace. So, what do you say we change the tone a little bit and both say something nice about each other? I'll go first. Look at you. There's no way around it: you're a beautiful man.

Thank you, J.D.

J.D.

Now you go.

I never agreed to that.

J.D.

Beautiful son of a bitch!

Carla

I'm just saying, the only time you guys haven't been together was our honeymoon.

Carla

What?

J.D.

It's time.

Turk

No!

J.D.

Yes!

Turk

Fine. Honey, uh, J.D. and I were together during our honeymoon. He flew in and stayed in the bungalow by the pool.

J.D.

He forgot his favorite lotion! Was I supposed to let him get ashey?

He's finally gone. Talk about making a big deal over nothing, you know. I mean, Dr. Dorian was fine, but he was no better than any other doctor.

For the record, he was the best that ever came through this dump. [J.D. quietly walks behind him] John Dorian was the first and only doctor I ever met who cared as much as I do. And you can forget about him being just an exceptional physician because the fact of the matter is, he was... he's a damn exceptional person. That's why people gravitated to him. That's why I did. He was my friend.

J.D.

[overjoyed] Thank you, God. That was beautiful.

[mortified] Oh, God, no.

J.D.

It's okay, Perry. You just said how you feel. Honestly, I am so full of your love right now, I literally could not take another drop. Brace yourself, I'm coming in. [He hugs Cox and takes a deep breath] You smell like a father figure.

Oh, please stop.

J.D.

[breaking away] Great job, Sunny. You said your line perfectly.

Thanks! I worked on it.

J.D.

I knew it would set you off. Good night, best friend. [He leaves] He thinks I'm an exceptional—[hits the doorway with his hands] ow!—person!

You realize that even though he gets to leave, you have to stay?

I didn't think that out.

[menacingly] No. Ya didn't.

Lucy

Great class, Doctor D! Even better than the one you did with interpretive dance.

J.D.

Thanks, Lucy. I like to call it "teacher-tainment". Now, be a doll and go give Dr. Turk a message ASAP. Tell him Dr. Dorian is stuck in the tree again, but this time there are many bees. Hurry, Lucy, I have honey hair!

Lucy

I thought being a doctor was about helping people.

J.D.

It is, Lucy. Well, that and showing up my third grade teacher, who said I'd never amount to anything. Eat it, Mrs. Nickerson! [voiceover] And rest in peace.

Are you on the list?

J.D.

Yes, under "John Dorian", or "Dr. Dorian". Or maybe "Doctor Dizzle" or "J. Dizzle".

There's a "J. Dizzle" here.

I'm J. Dizzle!

J.D.

Dammit!

Lucy

Doctor D, I can't believe you're leaving us! You're, like, the best teacher ever!

J.D.

Ah, Lucy, but you'll always carry a piece of me with you. I'll be here [touches her head] and I'll be here [touches her stomach].

Lucy

In my stomach?

J.D.

I would have touched your heart, but I did that once to another female student, and it resulted in having to watch a four-hour video called "Boundaries".

Lucy

I don't know why I'm not getting this.

J.D.

I used to have a problem with the same thing. But then I realized that you just have to pretend that the needle is your friend. Be careful, though: I told that to a medical student once, and he became a heroin addict.