Salem Saberhagen the cat quotes from Sabrina, the Teenage Witch

Look, I have to be honest with you; It’s more than that, it’s against my principles.

Salem

Is it because I’m a cat and she’s a woman?

No, it’s because you're a cat and she’s Sherry Lewis.

Salem

But I could make her so happy! Besides, she’s gotta be tired of that whiny lamb. Not even a lamb, it’s a sock!

You sicken me.

Salem

Get a real job... and some pants.

Salem

FREEZE! Don’t squirt that perfume, unless you want to be a boy who gets beaten up!

Sabrina

Man, that was close!

Salem

It’s not enough to look like a dude, you have to start thinking like a dude. Have you picked a name yet?

Sabrina

Kirby?

Salem

We’re back to getting beaten up here...

Did that cat just talk? Or am I picking up his thoughts telepathically?

Salem

You're right. You can read my mind. And now you're sensing my great need to stop in Philadelphia for a cheese-steak.

I’m communicating with animals! This is so radical.

Salem

Just drive, Woodstock boy.

Zelda

It's not funny, Salem.

Sabrina

[walks into the kitchen] Good morning. [screams at her first look at Salem, startling Zelda, while Salem keeps laughing] Why did Salem startle me?

Zelda

It's Friday the 13th, the day that black witch cats have the power to scare the living daylights out of people.

Salem

You should've seen your face! [wheezing with laughter] I gotta stop laughing or milk's gonna come out of my nose! Oh, here comes Hilda, act normal. [Hilda walks in, reading the newspaper] Uh, good morning, Hilda. [Hilda gets scared just as Sabrina did; Salem laughs more]

Hilda

Aww, Happy Friday the 13th, Salem.

Hilda

Well, Salem... your temperature is alarmingly high

Salem

[surprised] I'm really sick?

Hilda

Yes, and that can only mean one thing...

Salem

More attention and sympathy?

Hilda

[grins] A nice cold bath!

Salem

What?! [quickly] I’m feeling better! [Hilda picks him up as the scene switches to an exterior shot of the house] I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!

Salem

[on laptop] I’m so happy, I could plotz!

Sabrina

Not on the kitchen table.

Salem

You can say goodbye to this furry little punim!

Hilda

Salem, what’s with all the Yiddish? Are you going into show business?

Salem

I’m online with a camel in Jerusalem who used to be an Amway salesman.

Zelda

Why did the Witches' Council turn him into a camel?

Salem

He used to be an Amway salesman. Anywho... He was wandering through the desert, when he found a scroll that said witches like me can be turned back into their former selves, if they’re kissed by someone who loves them.

Sabrina

Why can’t you just play Solitaire like regular cats?

Salem

One little kiss and I can once again be a man! I’ll no longer be a schlemiel!

Zelda

Salem, don’t trust chat rooms.

Hilda

Besides, you little yutz, who’re you going to get to kiss you?

Salem

Pucker up.

Hilda

If I helped turn you into a man, the Witches' Council will turn me into a cat. What a sad, pathetic existence that would be...

Salem

Moving on... I love ya Zelda!

Zelda

I love you, too... [kisses her finger and places it on his head] ...But I’m not in love with you.

Salem

Oh, Sabrina...

Sabrina

Not until you find a new way of grooming yourself.

Salem

Mean! There must be somebody out there who’s not so stingy with kisses! [Hilda conjures up a Boxer dog, who immediately starts slobbering over him] Oh lord, he’s got toilet-water breath! [sobs]

Sabrina

This Magic Book is useless, it shouldn’t take this long to find a quick fix!

Salem

What are you looking for?

Salem

Check the recipe section. [Sabrina looks at him doubtfully] Just do it! Do it!

Sabrina

[confused] It’s just "desserts".

Salem

Exactly - That’s what you want, your Just Desserts.

Sabrina

[reads page] Oh, I see; "With one little bite of this Just Dessert, you’ll get the recognition your good work deserves..." Cool!

Salem

Wow! You're lucky; when I was a witch, Just Deserts was a prune. [the linen closet doorbell rings, Sabrina gets up to answer] An old prune!

Salem

Okay, I know you're sad that you can't change Libby, but I have worse news: I have to go to the bathroom! Let's make the girl sneeze!

Sabrina

I have an idea. I'm betting that this leads to the sinuses.

Salem

And I hope that leads to a point.

Sabrina

Well, if we can just put an irritant into the sinuses, maybe we can make Libby sneeze. And since many people are allergic too... [grabs Salem]

Salem

NOOOOOO!!!!

Salem

Sabrina, what happened to Christmas?

Sabrina

Salem, you remember?

Salem

Whatever spell you enacted doesn't affect witch-familiars.

Sabrina

I enacted?

Salem

I'm guessing you must've done something at that party in the Other Realm.

Sabrina

All I did was turn off the TV and storm out.

Salem

That wouldn't do anything...Unless you used the remote and hit the "Erase" button.

Sabrina

I did use the remote and I might've hit "Erase".

Salem

[starts crying] Oh no! It's gone! You've erased Christmas! It was my favorite gift-getting holiday...

Salem

Sabrina, if you don't reverse the spell in 24 hours, Christmas will be erased permanently.

Sabrina

How do you know that?

Salem

Years ago, I was at a party in the Other Realm, and I erased Bobunk.

Sabrina

I've never heard of it.

Salem

That's my point! We didn't figure out how to reverse the spell, and Bobunk was gone forever. Ah, the days of Bobunk...

Sabrina

Salem, I've got to find a way to bring the spirit of Christmas back. Maybe if I start doing Christmas-y things, people will start to remember.

Salem

That didn't work with Bobunk.

Sabrina

Stop saying "Bobunk"!

Sabrina

Salem?

Sabrina

Well, that was really nice of you to ask Valerie out. Well, to get Gordy to ask Val- Well, whatever just happened was really nice.

Salem

I thought I might in service while I'm here. It's just my way of saying... [rubbing his head on Sabrina's shoulder] Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Zelda

Oh, thank Zeus!

I'm sorry I ducked out on you, [indicates Salem] but I had to talk Charlie Powermooger out of taking down Microsoft.

Salem

I thought I could resist power, [weeping] but I'm weeeeak! I'm sorry, Sabrina. I didn't want to hurt you; I just wanted to rule you! [Sabrina makes a weird face; Salem faces the Witch Judge] Your Honor, I'm ready to be a cat again.

Sabrina, once again, you dodged the bullet (Sabrina smiles) That´s the name of the lion, "Bullet"

Sabrina

Thank you guys! If you´re excuse me I think I´m gonna faint... (she faints)

Hilda

[to Caligula] No! She doesn´t need mouth to mouth!

Salem

Another fifty years as a cat! By the time I work off this extra time, I'll be an old man!

Zelda

Aww, many people are vital in their later years. Look at John Glenn.

Salem

YOU look at him!

Salem

[referring to Mr. Tobias] Let's destroy everything that's dear to him. Let's indoctrinate him into the cathedral of agony.

Zelda

I'm going to write him a very stern letter.

Salem

[sarcastic] You're a regular Mad Max, aren't you?

Salem

TAKE THAT TOBIAS[SMASH]!...ooooooo stain glass windows...expensive..

Sabrina

Salem, help! I've disappeared!

Salem

[mock gasps] I'm so sorry! Hey, twirl me around so it looks like I'm flying!