Hilda Spellman quotes from Sabrina, the Teenage Witch

Hilda

So how was your date with Rick?

Zelda

Oh, not so good. I’m starting to feel really weird about the age difference. I mean, normally I don’t care about these things, but Rick keeps bringing up stuff that makes me feel old.

Hilda

Like what?

Zelda

Oh, he keeps talking about how he can’t wait for the turn of the century - Big deal, I’ve done that five times!

Hilda

Oh, and it’s always the same; I’ve partied like it was sixteen ninety-nine, seventeen ninety-nine, eighteen ninety-nine... this time, I’m staying home.

Zelda

Exactly.

Sabrina

What are you watching?

Hilda

My favorite soap opera: The Burden of Desire

Sabrina

Catch me up while they jacuzzi.

Hilda

Okay, Blake just quit Sherman Enterprises in anger precipitating a family crisis in which Norma turned to Frank, not Nick, for comfort.

Sabrina

Now that’s a Thursday. Why can’t my life be exciting like that?

Hilda

It can.

Sabrina

Really? How?

Hilda

Use a spell.

Sabrina

Worms? What am I supposed to do with a Can O’ Worms?

Hilda

Open it. All emotions will become heightened. But be careful; remember, you have to take the good with the bad.

Sabrina

Gimme, I’ll take whatever I can get. [opens the can]

Hilda

Sabrina, what’s going on?

Sabrina

It’s this spell, it’s totally out of control! Make it stop!

Zelda

We can’t do that. You opened a Can of Worms and until they wriggle their way to a dramatic climax, you’re stuck.

Sabrina

But I am in so much trouble! The police think I stole the ring Mr. Pool bought for the nurse, but Libby’s setting me up to get me out of the way because she wants to steal my boyfriend who has amnesia.

Hilda

Oh, this is even better than Burden of Desire! [Sabrina glares at her] Except that it’s happening to you...

Does this belong to you?

Hilda

Sabrina, what's going on?

I caught her over Brooklyn flying with a full bag and trailing a lot of dust. That warrants an emissions citation, but when I attempted to pull her over, she took off!

Sabrina

I was looking for a well lit area!

Hilda

Oh no, she's gone again!

Sabrina

No, I'm not. I'm on the bed.

Hilda

How'd you get over there?

Sabrina

Salem carried me in his mouth.

Salem

It took all my self control not to eat her.

Sabrina

Whoa! Do you know what's just dawned on me? You guys had lives before I got here. This is amazing, we have a lot of catching up to do. So, were you ever kids?

Hilda

Yes, although it was back in the fourteenth century. There were no phones, no TV's, things were very different

Hilda

Let me guess, you failed your first try?

Sabrina

I'll get it next time.

Zelda

I'm sure you will. But unfortunately, there's a penalty.

Sabrina

No dessert?

Hilda

I’m so glad we spent our small fortune on a briefcase.

Salem

So fire it up and whip me up some hospital grade catnip.

Hilda

She seems so happy. Oh, remember how we used to stay up Friday nights telling each other about our dates?

Zelda

We haven’t done that in ages.

Hilda

I know. We haven’t done that in ages because we haven’t had dates in ages.

Zelda

Oh well, at least we have each other. [pause] Oh my heavens! I’m living with my sister! I've gotta call that Yenta!

Zelda

I wish you would learn that it’s never a good idea to turn yourself into a boy.

Hilda

Oh, there was no harm done! Except for those four cheese-steaks I ate...

Hilda

I am so glad. I hate flying during the holidays. The traffic getting back from the Universe is always vacuum to vacuum.

Sabrina

You mean Halloween might actually be fun this year? Not that Grandpa’s game of "Find My Teeth" isn’t without it’s charms...

Zelda

I hear bells... Have I reached Nirvana?

Hilda

It's the phone.

Zelda

[disapointed] Oh...

Oh Racine, I know you're unhappy, but it was fair. Now, Hilda and Zelda got the Magic Book, and you got what you chose: all my money.

Sabrina

They got all of great grandma’s money?

Hilda

Yep, and they bought a mansion and a jet, and several butlers...

Zelda

Don’t forget tiaras for Maw Maw.

Hilda

...And then, all the money was gone.

We didn’t just spend it, [proudly] we invested some of it!

Yeah, who knew chihuahua racing wouldn’t take off.

Hilda

Uh, everyone?

Zelda

It's not funny, Salem.

Sabrina

[walks into the kitchen] Good morning. [screams at her first look at Salem, startling Zelda, while Salem keeps laughing] Why did Salem startle me?

Zelda

It's Friday the 13th, the day that black witch cats have the power to scare the living daylights out of people.

Salem

You should've seen your face! [wheezing with laughter] I gotta stop laughing or milk's gonna come out of my nose! Oh, here comes Hilda, act normal. [Hilda walks in, reading the newspaper] Uh, good morning, Hilda. [Hilda gets scared just as Sabrina did; Salem laughs more]

Hilda

Aww, Happy Friday the 13th, Salem.

Sabrina

Aunt Hilda, a bat just flew out of your mouth.

Hilda

Oh, how embarrassing. I have "bat breath" again.

Zelda

Have you been eating pomegrantes?

Hilda

Well, I know they don't agree with me, but I had just such a craving for that juicy crimson pulp...