Roseanne · Season 1
[playing video games with D.J.] I love these games. We used to play them all the time back in Iowa.
Without electricity?
[puzzled] What?
Darlene says there's no electricity or lights where you come from, but that's okay, 'cause you can't read anyway.
[angry] Oh yeah? Well, what else did she say?
You guys keep live chickens in your kitchen and kill 'em with your bare hands.
Oh, really?
Yeah. But there's one part I don't get. How can someone's sister be their mom?
[to D.J.] You're about to become a strange smell in the attic!
[angry at David for letting Molly flirt with him] Oh come on, you don't go for that flirty, cutesy Barbie-doll crap, do ya? I mean, she was so obvious.
I dunno. I guess for some guys it would probably make them feel, y'know, like a man.
[struts up to David and touches him seductively] I can make you feel like a man, David... Take out the trash. [walks away]
You shouldn't eat that, Jackie.
Hey, you're not the boss of me, Roseanne.
[chuckles] Oh, right.
Why shouldn't I eat it?
Well, everyone knows they put poison, and razor blades in those. Better give it to me.
That's stupid, that's not really true. [bites into a piece of candy] See? I'm okay.
Oh, I guess you're right. [bites into a piece of an apple and pretends to bleed out of her mouth, prompting Jackie to scream and run. Young Roseanne laughs and the candy to herself]
[with Ghost of Halloween Past] You know what the best part was? I used to sell that candy back to her later.
[dressed as decapitated Marie Antoinette holding her own head (Jackie)] I'm sorry Jackie, I'm not going in the ladies room, you're just going to have to hold it!
I've got to go sometime, Dan.
Maybe you should just try slowing down at the bar!
Don't tell me what to do, Dan! I'm doing you a favor just wearing this thing.
Oh, yeah, like I'm sure the real Marie Antoinette drank so much beer!
[having seen her future self—a stereotypical housewife] Oh my God, I've become what I hate most.
Not yet. You must go farther into the future to see where this path will lead you.
I don't want to.
You grew to be an elderly divorced woman, living with your spinster sister.
Oh my God, I'm living with Jackie? I don't wanna see any more.
Come on, Roseanne, we don't wanna be late.
All right, Jackie, I'm all set.
Why is my mother here?
That's not your mother, Roseanne. That's you.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Thank God we all brought our ovaries.
They're so cute. Which one do you want?
The one that'll kill you and stuff you into a trunk.
C'mon, will you lighten up?!
Look, I have a boyfriend, I don't need these jerks. Now can we get out of here? It's been like, an hour and a half.
Well, it's my car and I'm not ready to go. I'm still looking for the perfect guy, OK?
Oh, it's a good thing we're in a parking lot full of drunken losers. It shouldn't be hard to spot that white horse.
[tries to put his arm around Darlene]
Any part of you that touches me, you're not getting back.
Just stop right there, Ponyboy. You and the rest of your Outsiders can go rumble someplace else.
Look, I apologize for my friend. I mean, he's a real jerk. I mean, it's obviously a bad idea to go into somebody's van who you hardly even know. So it's lucky for you I happen to have a couple of joints right here.
Oh, man. I feel like I'm the middle of a really bad Afterschool Special.
I'm gonna go stand in the middle of the street so the first thing she sees when she pulls up is my head exploding.
Where in the hell have you been?
Trying to get home. That skankwoman Molly left me stranded in the parking lot so she could jump in a van with some guys after the concert. I finally had to wave down a cab.
I don't care what your story is. The rule is, you call.
It was a bad neighborhood. When I finally found a phone booth, I got tired of waiting for the guy in it to finish peeing.
Cut the crap, OK? You're talking to Darlene's mother, the mother of all mothers, and she is majorly mad.
Molly, Molly, Molly. I have raised two of the best damn liars in the free world. Don't embarrass yourself.
Well, why are you raggin' on me?
'Cause that's what I do. I did it with Becky, I do it with Darlene, but doin' it with you is even more fun 'cause I can yell at you all I want and I don't have to buy you a car.
I don't have to listen to this!
Oh, but I think you do. Now, you want to screw up your life, I don't care. But when you leave this house with a Conner kid, you're going to be extra careful, because Darlene is one of the few things we own outright.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Roseanne pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
