Say this guy's in front of you, and he's got the puck. What do you do?
Try to steal it from him.
No. You do this. [She hits a cracker hard with her fist, crushing it on the table.] Any questions?
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
There's a lot of excitement here at the Lanford Arena as we enter the second period of the Otters' home opener. The goalie is back from the restroom, and the action is resuming. The Cinderella story of the evening continues to be young D.J. Conner, on the ice much to the surprise of his entire family! There's a breakaway! There's a breakaway! Young Conner moves towards the goal! He shoots! Oh! He forgot the puck!
RDRoseanne, Dan, Darlene
(cheering DJ as he leaves the penalty box) D.J., D.J., D.J., D.J.... (Unseen hard hit) Oooohhh!!!
(Ref puts DJ back in the box to the boos of the crowd)
WAWoman at Game
Where does a kid get that kind of hostility?
(Roseanne, Dan, and Darlene sit back, smiling proudly)
Well Dan, I guess you're just so damn proud of your kid out there, ramming people and smashing into them that you just had to celebrate by giving him his very first sip of beer!
I had to. The hooker made him nervous.
Come on, you gave me my first sip of beer.
That was different. I was drunk.
(after telling Roseanne that she won't be going to her house for Christmas) I'm sorry, but Fisher and I are a new couple and we're just trying to develop some us time.
Oh GOD, that's totally gross! That is your therapist talking!
No, it couldn't be because I stopped going to my therapist.
Why? You can't be cured.
Fisher says I don't need it anymore. He says I'm able to make my own decisions.
Hey, I'll be the one that tells you when you're able to make your own decisions.
You think you're the only person that's been through stuff? I've been through stuff. But you know, I still believe in God, you know, I mean, I'd like to believe that all of the horrible, hideous crap that I have to wallow through every single day of my life, could some point I would find out the meaning to, and the reason for, I mean, so I can be happy, you know what I mean, there is a God..there is...I swear to God there is a God. And if there ain't, I've been screwed.
[seeing Roseanne and Jackie decorating an asleep Nana Mary] Girls, stop that, you're being stupid and childish. Everyone knows you string lights from the top.
[Roseanne on the phone with Darlene after Darlene tells her that she's stuck at David's house]
I don't care Darlene, there's no adult there, I want you to go home right now.
Come on mom, you know I vowed to never use my teleportation powers for personal gain.
HMrs. Healey
What the hell do you care? You really want to know what I was doing tonight, because I will tell you.
Shut up, mom!
HMrs. Healey
Don't you tell me to shut up! This is my house!
Why did you even come home?
HMrs. Healey
You apologize! [slaps David] You apologize to me!
I'm sorry.
HMrs. Healey
Telling me what to do, when you got you're little girlfriend, spending the night? Dragging Conner trash over here. Another slut just like her sister! [storms upstairs. David and Darlene are both on the verge of tears]
Darlene, I'm...I'm sorry.
Hey..."slut" didn't bother me. "Just like her sister" part that hurt. (she hugs him)
So, uh, what time did Nancy and Marla leave?
About an hour ago. After their sixth encounter under the mistletoe.
Well, you know what they say, Dan, every time lesbians kiss another angel gets her wings.
What kind of obscene material could D.J. have?
Oh, I don't know, probably one of Dan's Playboys or our credit report.
PCPrincipal Cecil Alexander
I want you to know we're usually very happy with D.J. He's a hard worker, listens well in class, although this new dressing-up phase does concern us a little.
Kids.
CCecil
Well, we don't discourage unorthodox dress here. We do discourage, however, students from bringing certain types of reading material to school.
[thinking the principal is talking about one of his Playboys] I understand, Cecil. Something that might be perfectly normal and acceptable for adults wouldn't be okay for kids to bring to school.
CCecil
I'm sorry, but the filth that D.J. was reading couldn't possibly be considered okay anywhere. It's the most offensively sick piece of garbage I've ever seen.
[still thinking the principal is referring to a Playboy issue] Didn't you read the articles?
CCecil
[hands the book to Dan] I didn't see any articles in this.
It's a comic book. D.J., you brought a comic book to school. Good boy!
CCecil
I can see I should've spoken to his mother.
[leafing through the comic] Well, look, I...I know it's wrong for kids to bring comics to school and read 'em in class, but hey, they're kids. I know it's not great literature...[turns a page] My God, what kind of diseased mind could create something like this?!
CCecil
It's obviously some sort of cheap underground thing.
Oh, man. Hey, I don't know where D.J. got this, but you can be sure we don't allow things like this in our house. This is not the way we raise our children. [to D.J.] Where did you get this?
Darlene made it.
Well, Dan, my day dealing with the family was an ice cream cone in the dirt, how was yours?
Well, honey, I hate to top you, but I got a 2-for-1. That obscene reading material D.J. brought to school? Darlene's the editor-in-chief. Take a look at this, it's really sick.
(Roseanne looks at the comic book and laughs, to which Dan is shocked)
There was a funny part.
I'm serious, Rosie. What if Darlene's disturbed, more than we thought?
Oh, Dan, have you seen some of the comic books she buys lately? They're way more screwed up than that. Warped and depressing's what's cool now.
Really?
Yeah. Finally Darlene's personality pays off.
Hey, we had underground comics, but it wasn't like this crap Darlene's doing. Ours were about depraved sex and massive drug abuse. This is a cry for help.
Well, who knows what they're about? Who even wants to? The longer we don't know what's in Darlene's head, the longer we don't sleep in shifts.
What happened to Aunt Jackie?
Some say environment, but I think she was born that way.
No, I mean was she, like, in an accident or something?
No, why?
Well I saw her upstairs and her back's all bruised up.
She didn't tell me nothing about it.
You come over here, your back's all bruised up, you won't tell me nothing about it, how do I know that you didn't get raped or mugged or something? Does Fisher know about this?
W...why can't you just drop it?
(realizes that it was Fisher) That son of a bitch!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Roseanne pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.