(screaming at D.J. and Todd from downstairs as Dan, still in bed, counts along on his fingers) Now listen up! There will be no talking, no giggling or laughing, no playing music, no singing, no animal noises, no doing whatever the hell you were doing when you were making that peg-leg kinda thumping noise, no bird calls, no bouncing the ball, and no jumping on the bed or I'm coming up there, now GO TO SLEEP!!!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Who was that?
That was my lovely neighbor.
Oh, the ice-pop lady, eh?
Mm-hm, frozen solid with a great big old stick up her butt.
What's a virgin?
You in forty years.
You're only moving to Chicago 'cause your mom needs an operation.
TTodd
She does not!
She does too! My mom said she's having a big stick taken out of her butt.
Hey Beck, where's Darlene?
Well, they said she couldn't be in the commercial dressed like death.
She go home?
Not yet!
(Darlene walks in wearing a flowered dress and braided hair)
Shut up.
Why, Darlene! You look--
Shut up.
Oh, come on! It's not so--
SHUT UP!!
I can handle this.
You can't take her, Darlene.
I'm not gonna try. I'll just talk my way out of it.
Okay, just stay down.
You don't believe me? Dad, can I talk to about something?
Coming.
Watch.
Yeah, Darlene.
Listen, I'm really sorry I called you "Wide Load" yesterday. I mean, I meant it to be funny and I really thought you would laugh. But I've been thinking about it, and now I realize it was really insensitive.
Darlene, tie your hair back really tight so she can't swing you around with it.
You're dead, Darlene.
Oh, man.
Rope-a-dope, Darlene. Keep your arms up in front of your face; eventually, she'll wear herself out.
AArlene (Jackie's therapist)
Again, remember, we're here for Jackie. Now who wants to start?
I guess I'll go first. If you're married to the same woman for nineteen years, isn't that proof enough that you love her?
You know, Arlene, he has some other woman's name tattooed on his arm!
It's your name!
It's NOT my name-- it's Mrs. Kennedy's name!
I'm never gonna get this dumb thing off. I'm stuck with it for the rest of my life.
Well, now you know what it's like to be married to you.
Jeez, cut it out. I mean, did you forget why we came?
Thank you, Becky.
Okay, I wanna talk about me and Mark.
When are you gonna get over him?
I can't believe this! I'm paying for this session. You guys aren't here for me at all! You're just here to work out all your own family crap!
[weakly] Excuse me. [She's wearing a neck brace] I don't mean to interrupt, but it's time for my medication.
So what did I do, anyway? I put my arm around you.
Well yeah, what was next?
God, I don't know. It took me 3 weeks to get to that.
(Jackie and Becky are sitting at the kitchen table commiserating with each other about being alone. Darlene and David come in from outside.)
(To David) Do you think you could keep your paws off me for like one minute?
I was just holding your hand.
Well I'm sick of it, so back off, OK!
(To herself, still in her lonely funk) Oh God, I miss having a boyfriend.
We walk to school together, like, every single day, you're outside every one of my classes, you put your arm around me in the hallway.
You're my girlfriend.
Yeah, well I liked it better before when you were "David" and I was "Darlene." Now we're like this "DaviDarlene creature" like we were fused together in some nuclear accident.
[after Dan comes back from "fixing" Crystal's thermostat] You just replaced that thermostat!
Well, apparently the house is still either too hot or too cold.
Yeah, because she's eight months pregnant and she keeps on having hot and cold flashes.
You know, I suggested that, but then she assured me that wasn't the case. Then she kicked me.
No!
Then she started cryin' and there was no way I could kick her back.
Where's Darlene?
Her and David got into a little tiff, so she's up in her room.
[referring to David, who's eating dinner with the family] What's he doing here?
Well, I had already invited him and then when she said it was either her or him, I flipped a coin until he won.
[The phone rings]
I'm not getting it anymore.
I know that's Crystal. I've already talked to her fifty times today.
I'm not home.
I'll get it. If it's Crystal, I'll talk to Crystal.
If it's Dean...
If it's Dean or Dana, you're not home. I know. [into phone] Hello. Yeah. Yeah, just a second. [to David] David, it's your mom.
Tell her I'm in the shower.
[in labor] This better be a girl. It better be a girl.
Oh, come on now, Crystal. If it's a boy, you'll love it just as much.
The hell I will!
[after Crystal asks him to videotape the birth] I don't wanna look, Crystal, and you can't make me.
[after Jackie hangs up from talking with Bonnie] What'd she say?
Well, Crystal just had a baby girl and we missed it because you're an idiot!
She called me an idiot?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Roseanne pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.