C'mon, that's enough, I've been out of work before, nobody let ME win!
It's enough we let you sit at the grownups' table!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[on the phone with Bev] Oh hi Mom, this is Jackie. Happy Mother's Day. ... Yeah, yeah, it's a shame you can't say the same to me. ... Uh, so, did you get the slippers? ... Unique good or unique bad? ... ... Mom, don't you think that if I was dating somebody, I would tell you about it just to get you off my back? ... Oh, really. Well, go suck an egg. ... Huh? ... No! I did not! ... No, why would I say something like that? "Suck an egg" - I don't even know what that means! ... I'm telling you, I didn't say that. Must be a bad connection. So, listen Mom, Happy Mother's Day, and I'll tell Roseanne to give you a call when she gets up. ... Uh-huh, okay. [cheerfully] Bite me. [Hangs up]
First of all, let's just say that...you going away for the weekend to a rock concert with the nearest adult five hours away...that was never gonna happen, no matter how you sucked up.
Well, it's unanimous.
Yeah, I'd say that about wraps it up.
I don't think so.
OK, we'll apologize to her before she, like, explodes. [she and Darlene snicker]
She's not gonna 'like, explode', she's too busy cryin' her eyes out. I'm the one you gotta worry about, 'cause I'm VERY angry, and I don't like you very much right now.
Oh, so now we're also supposed to apologize to you---
Shut up! [to Darlene] And so I don't have to say it again in a minute, you shut up, too! Now, you guys just don't get it. You see, she thought that you were actually going to do something nice for her...you know, like you cared. And that would have been the very best thing you could've done for her today, but you just ruined it.
Well, what should we do?
You're gonna make it up to her.
Alright, we'll think of something---
No! No, you had your chance. Now it's my turn.
[to Roseanne, who is setting the table] Stop. We're going out to dinner.
No, I don't want to eat with those girls. I just wanna have dinner and go to bed.
They're not coming. I'm punishing them.
No!
Yes. And having to eat my chili is just the beginning. We'll decide the rest of their punishment over dinner. Let's go change.
But they hate ME, right?
Nope, that's the beauty of it, they hate ME.
Oh Dan, that's just great! [hugs him]
Happy Mother's Day.
[smiles as they leave] Oh man, this is so much better than some ol' robe!
ABLady at Beauty Salon
[showing Roseanne the results of her makeover] Well Mrs. Conner, what do you think?
Oh, I'm beautiful! I no longer have to think.
[discussing a meeting she had with D.J.'s teacher] Well, I had to go to school to see his teacher because it seems like he hasn't turned in any of his math homework for the past two weeks.
I see, and how did he explain this?
Well, he's had a lot of extra responsibility around here since you died.
Did I suffer?
No. Sniper. Clean shot.
[reading Arnie's letter after he leaves Nancy] Who are the Allens, and why are they out of spice?
Aliens, Dan, from outer space.
Oh, that does make more sense.
You know, you act like you're the only ones with problems around here.
Boy, you are the most selfish piece of work I have ever seen in my life! Do you have any idea what we're going through?
Do you have any idea what I'm going through?! I mean, today may be the last day I'll ever see Mark again, okay!
Whoa. What are you talking about?
He got a job offer in Minneapolis and I'm telling him to take it. And it's all 'cause of you.
Excuse me?
If you knew how to run a business he'd still have a job and he wouldn't be leaving. [breaking down in tears] Now I don't have Mark, I don't have college, I don't have anything! You blew it, Dad! You blew it for everyone in this family!!!
Becky, you shut up!
Come on, Mother. You know it, everybody knows it, I'm the only one with the guts to say it! [storms out]
That is not true, Dan. I would have the guts to say it.
[after Roseanne returns from her job interview] Hey Roseanne... tell me you're employed!
Hey Jackie... tell me you're married!
Aw...what happened?
What happened was that 400 people showed up for six jobs. So I'm standing there for three hours drinking coffee just so some punk kid can ask me if I have any special skills; I told him, "yeah, bladder control."
:[through pay phone that Becky left off the hook] Becky? Becky! Is this some kind of a joke? 'Cause if you're not really married, I'm going to kill you. If you are really married, I'm going to kill you. Becky? Becky!
:[still through pay phone] Becky, this is the stupidest thing you've ever done. You get your butt back here right now. Do you hear me? Okay, okay. Okay. What I meant was it's not too late to come home. We aren't mad at you, we just wanna know you're safe. [a worker arrives and picks up the phone] Becky, are you listening? Talk to me. Becky, I know you're there. I can hear you breathing. [he hangs it up]
(Darlene and David are watching TV when Becky and Mark come in)
Hey, is anybody home?
Hey look, it's Joanie and Chachi.
How ya doin', little brother?
Fine, except thanks to you, now I'm related to my girlfriend.
So where's Mom?
She's in the kitchen...with the knives.
Want me to go in there with you?
With... THE KNIVES.
[over the phone, to Becky] Well, don't come walking in this house like you won some great big victory over me and your dad. Don't be expecting our blessing. Don't be expecting any money. And don't be expecting.
(Becky's worried about facing Roseanne)
If you lie very still, she may just sniff you and leave you alone.
Mom, Darlene won’t let me put the beds next to each other so Mark and I can sleep together tonight.
Just so I know, who am I supposed to be mad at?
I am NOT moving to D.J.'s room so she and my dork-in-law can conceive some demon spawn in my bed! I'm gonna go sit on my bed until morning.
Mark is my husband, Mother. We're not going to stay in this house if we can't sleep together.
Fine. [hands Becky the frozen chicken] Beat the hell out of this chicken, please.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Roseanne pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.