Becky Conner quotes from Roseanne

Darlene

How come the liquor cabinet is open?

[drunk] I dunno. Maybe the wine had to breathe!

[drunk] This is my sister Lardene. Larlene. Dardene!

Darlene

WHAT?!

Where's your bathroom?

Oh, we don't have a bathroom, we use a wok. [laughs hysterically]

What is the problem?!! You guys drink all the time!

Dan

First of all, we don't drink all the time; second of all, we're not talking about US!

(sarcastically) Look, I have one drink and you're acting like I'm an alcoholic. Oh quick, I'll call the 800 number.

Roseanne

We ARE your 800 number, Becky.

J-bird, you're an experienced woman, right?

Jackie

I'm not all that experienced.

But, you have dated a lot of boys.

Jackie

Yes, and a couple of men. At least one.

Susan Noonan said that her mother saw you sweeping up people's hair in the beauty parlor.

Roseanne

Well, you tell Susan Noonan that I saw her mom getting her roots bleached and her mustache waxed.

[setting the table] You gotta move, Deej.

D.J.

Make me!

Darlene

[leaning in toward D.J.] How about a kiss, hot stuff?

D.J.

[grabbing his notebook and running off] I'm outta here!

Aunt Jackie, how come Mom is so heavy and you're so thin?

Jackie

It'sssss... genetics.

[looking at each other in horror] OH MY GOD!

Hey, Dad, can't you see Aunt Jackie in one of these?

Dan

I don't know, babe. I think Aunt Jackie's body might reject a white dress.

Thanks for, you know, coming.

I love you.

Dan

Yeah, I know... And here's a 10 spot for saying so.

Dan

So, who are these guys?

The Splitting Headaches!

Dan

And what's the name of this song?

Darlene

Pounding!

Dan

So, basically, we're listening to Pounding by The Splitting Headaches?

You did forget, I can't believe it!

Dan

[to Darlene] A little help. [Darlene imitates driving a car, crashing the car, and sirens blaring] Oh, yeah, your driving lesson.

Darlene

I hear he does the nasty with college girls

Roseanne

...WELL. I certainly hope he gets extra credit for that.

He just dated some senior who took some college classes- no big deal!

Roseanne

No, of course not. (arranging Becky's hair) Whattaya think, Dan? Pigtails, ribbons?

Dan

(watching TV) Works for me.

Darlene

Good luck covering up those fresh zits tonight, Princess.

You're just jealous 'cause I'm anatomically correct.

Darlene

Yeah, and I'll bet you just can't wait to show Robert.

You mean I actually have to go into the store and, like, buy condoms myself? God, how embarrassing.

Roseanne

Well, you don't have to go in there and buy them. I mean, you could use the rhythm method.

Oh, does it work?

Roseanne

Ask your brother.

But doesn't all that stuff, like, kill the mood?

Roseanne

Not as much as a screaming baby with a loaded diaper.