Darlene Conner quotes from Roseanne

Darlene

[about what happened to Becky during her pep squad speech] Just as she completes the line, "I'd like to thank the student council for allowing me to speak my mind," it happened.

Roseanne

What happened?

Darlene

Becky... cut... the cheese.

Darlene

Hey Mom, whatcha workin' on?

Roseanne

Invoices. I'm ordering new children.

Darlene

Yeah? Well, why don't we trade Becky in for a partially tattooed Latin boy of sixteen?

Roseanne

'Cause that's my Christmas present to myself.

Darlene

[grilling Becky about why Becky was caught reading Dan's girlie magazine] You wanna be like those girls, don't you?

Shut UP!

Darlene

You know you do. [mimicking fashion model movements] Why don't you show Mom and Dad your Sexy Walk?

[hitting Darlene on the arm] I hate you, Darlene. [flees the kitchen]

Darlene

[grabbing her arm] OWWWW, you sexy thing!!!

Dan

Okay, we have thirty minutes to make this house presentable.

Darlene

Rub a lamp.

Roseanne

(to Becky about Darlene) You can't take her to that party. There'll be boys there.

Darlene

There are boys at school and you let me go there.

Then you open your mouth a little bit.

Darlene

You open your mouth?! For what?!

Roseanne

[walking into the bedroom] So, you can slip him the tongue.

Jackie

Roseanne, do you remember Mrs. Osmand?

Roseanne

Oh yeah, she was scary.

Who's Mrs. Osmand?

Jackie

Oh, she was this madwoman over on Elm Ridge who had this black haggy hair and used to dress up like a vampire and jump out at us.

Roseanne

Too bad she never did it on Halloween.

Jackie

Hey, sis, didn't she wind up in jail for the criminally insane?

Roseanne

Yeah, and I think I read somewhere that she just got released.

Darlene

Do you think she'll come back to Lanford?

Roseanne

If she's truly insane she will.

Mom, are you through in the bathroom yet?

Dan

Honey, I'm through in there.

Darlene

Mom, I did my homework, but I still need you to sign here.

DJ

Mom, can you make me a sandwich?

Darlene

I don't want to be expressive! I couldn't care less about poetry! I just want to graduate high school so I can get on with my life, so I can get a job and get out of this hellhole town!

Roseanne

But if you could be expressive, what would you say?

Darlene

You have a big mouth.

Roseanne

No I don’t... BECKY!!!!

Darlene

How come the liquor cabinet is open?

[drunk] I dunno. Maybe the wine had to breathe!

[drunk] This is my sister Lardene. Larlene. Dardene!

Darlene

WHAT?!

Where's your bathroom?

Oh, we don't have a bathroom, we use a wok. [laughs hysterically]

Darlene

Aw, face it. You're both tanks.

Roseanne

Hey, you stay out of this! It's your fault I got fat in the first place!

Darlene

Oh right. Like I invented double dutch chocolate.

Roseanne

No, but I gained twenty pounds with that pregnancy.

Dan

Me too!

Darlene

Twenty pounds?

Roseanne

Okay, forty pounds...[pauses] With each kid.

Dan

Me too!

[setting the table] You gotta move, Deej.

D.J.

Make me!

Darlene

[leaning in toward D.J.] How about a kiss, hot stuff?

D.J.

[grabbing his notebook and running off] I'm outta here!

Aunt Jackie, how come Mom is so heavy and you're so thin?

Jackie

It'sssss... genetics.

[looking at each other in horror] OH MY GOD!