Dan Conner quotes from Roseanne

Dan

Where's your school spirit?

Roseanne

I lost it on prom night with everything else.

Dan

You know Vinnie, that new kid I hired?

Roseanne

Oh, you mean that 19-year-old Adonis with the washboard stomach?

Dan

You noticed.

Roseanne

Noticed? Hell, I made sketches.

Dan

Oh yeah, that's right. I forgot, you're the real expert with women.

I guess I know my way around the henhouse all right.

Dan

Yeah, probably so, since you're still living at home with your mom.

You know, if my woman ever talked to me that way, you know what I would say?

Dan

Yeah, "Get back in the house, Ma!"

Dan

Hey, kiddo, you gonna stick around and mooch dinner from us tonight?

Jackie

No, I have a date.

Dan

Animal, vegetable or mineral?

Jackie

Booker.

Roseanne

Vegetable.

Dan

What's this in my pocket? It could be? It might be? It is ... holy cow, it's a honeymoon! [hands Roseanne a brochure] Why yes, it's paradise.

Jackie

Oh, another guy who thinks he's got paradise in his jeans.

Roseanne

Yeah, paradise lost.

Darlene

I figured a paper route was an easy way to make money.

Dan

Ha, Darlene, there's no easy way to make money. If there was, your mother would have found it by now.

DJ

Mom, Darlene's still on the phone.

Roseanne

Hey, don't come in here ratting on people now. Dan, he's ratting on people!

Dan

Cheese eater. [makes squeaking noises]

D.J

How do I look Dad?

Dan

Beautiful.

D.J

Guys aren't supposed to look beautiful!

Dan

Damn beautiful.

D.J

That's better!

Dan

I had this recurring dream in broad daylight. I had this mug with a little airplane design on it, and every time I'd drink from it, the engine would start up, and it would get closer, and I swear this is true, the propeller went up my nose.

Roseanne

You're scary.

Darlene

Will everybody stop talking about nightmares? I didn't have a nightmare!

Roseanne

If you didn't have a nightmare, then why'd you have trouble goin' to sleep?

Dan

Were you worried about your basketball game?

Darlene

No, I wasn't worried about my basketball game.

Roseanne

Did you screw up in history again Darlene?

Darlene

No, I didn't screw up in history again.

Roseanne

Well then, what is the matter?

Darlene

I got my period! Okay?

Darlene

Dad, I need money.

DJ

No, she doesn't!

Darlene

Go suck on a loafer. C'mon Dad, Mom won't gimme any!

Dan

She probably has a good reason.

Darlene

No, just cheapness.

Dan

There's no way I'm spending my Saturday sitting in a shoe store waiting to be waited on with 50 other guys who are waiting to be waited on. I ain't buying shoes. That's it. End of discussion.

Roseanne

And get a couple of extra pairs of laces too.

Dan

Something is about to occur that is gonna wish you were to woke up as a different person, in a different house, in a different country, on a different planet.

Croissants!

Jackie

Fork over the bread, Fred.

Dan

Don't hurry back, Jack.

Jackie

Thanks for the cash...stupid.