Roseanne Conner quotes from Roseanne

You mean I actually have to go into the store and, like, buy condoms myself? God, how embarrassing.

Roseanne

Well, you don't have to go in there and buy them. I mean, you could use the rhythm method.

Oh, does it work?

Roseanne

Ask your brother.

But doesn't all that stuff, like, kill the mood?

Roseanne

Not as much as a screaming baby with a loaded diaper.

Darlene

(on the phone) Hello? Yeah! I'd love to. Friday night? Yeah, I was hoping you'd call. You wanna buy me dinner? Well gee, what's in it for you? Oh, sure I put out. Everybody knows that.

Roseanne

Darlene, what are you doing?

Darlene

Oh don't worry, Mom, he thinks it's Becky.

Roseanne

Oh, OK.

Mother! I'm gonna kill you, Darlene!

Darlene

[as Becky chases her] Sorry, gotta go. [Hangs up, to Becky] 7:30, don't dress.

You're dead!

Roseanne

(sarcastically, after the above incident) Well, thanks for your help.

Dan

What?

Roseanne

Don't you have anything to say about what Darlene just did?

Dan

Yes. If only she would use her power for good instead of evil.

(to Roseanne, pointing to table with two boys who are throwing spoons and spitballs) That's your table, sis.

Roseanne

Geez, they're kinda cute aren't they? You know, I have a couple kids at home just their age. I think I can relate to them. (walks up to table) GET OUT!!

Mom, Darlene's hogging the bathroom. She's doing her homework and she locked me out, and I really need to get in.

Roseanne

Darlene's doing her homework! Oh, honey!

Dan

Oh, it's a proud, proud day!

Darlene

Mom, I worked it out with Becky. She's gonna stay home and babysit D.J., and I'm gonna go out.

Roseanne

Now, why would she make a deal like that?

Darlene

Well, I had dirt on her.

Roseanne

... What kinda dirt?

Darlene

Now, if I told you, I'd have to stay home. (leaves, Becky comes in)

Roseanne

So, what do you think your punishment oughta be?

What do you mean?

Roseanne

Darlene told me everything.

That little rat.

Roseanne

I told her I wasn't going to do anything about it till I get your side of the story.

Well, first we... wait a minute. (grins and shakes her head) Uh-uh.

Roseanne

...You're gettin' good.

Darlene

If D.J. was doing something weird, now I don't mean normal weird, I mean really weird, we'd have to send him away, right?

Roseanne

Yeah, but he'd find his way back, like you always do. What's going on?

He's doing something really weird.

Roseanne

Gosh, I am so tired of this, you know. It's really really boring, every time the kid does anything, you girls come down here squawking about it. Now I told you before, he doesn't do things the way you do them, he does them differently. He's a boy!

Darlene

Real different.

Roseanne

Oh, it looks like D.J. got himself a hobby.

Mother! These are my old dolls!

Dan

Oh geez, he's not playing with dolls, is he? (Darlene shows him the box of beheaded Barbies) That's a relief.

Jackie

He walked in here and he gave me an ultimatum. He told me to quit the force.

Roseanne

Well, so what? I've been telling you to quit the force since the day you started!

Jackie

Yeah, and I've been trying to break up with you, but you won't seem to go away!

Darlene

Mom!

D.J.

Mom!

Roseanne

What?

Dan

Darlene's sayin' everything DJ says a second before he says it.

Roseanne

[to Darlene] God, that's so immature!

Roseanne

Hey Darlene, did you ever think about banging your head into the table real hard? Maybe he'll knock himself out.

Darlene

[sarcastically] Thank you very much.

D.J.

Thank you very much.

Darlene

[chasing D.J. upstairs] You're dead!

D.J.

You're dead!

Roseanne

[to Dan] Whew! How's it goin'?

Dan

Whew! How's it goin'?

Darlene

If anybody cares, D.J.'s head fits really well in the toilet.

Roseanne

See, Dan, I told you, D.J. is small for his age.

Darlene

[Becky's new boyfriend knocks at the door] I'll get it!

Roseanne

No, Darlene, no! We're going to embarrass your sister in an orderly fashion.

God, I hate this family.

Mark

Oh, ya think ya can stop me from seeing Becky, huh?

Dan

I think I can stop you from seeing tomorrow.

Roseanne

Me too!

Roseanne

She's probably up there right now working on Plan B.

Jackie

Maybe it's a really dumb story, like, "Judy's parents are Amish and don't have a phone."

Roseanne

I was only eleven!