Roseanne Conner quotes from Roseanne

Susan Noonan said that her mother saw you sweeping up people's hair in the beauty parlor.

Roseanne

Well, you tell Susan Noonan that I saw her mom getting her roots bleached and her mustache waxed.

How do you like the job so far?

Roseanne

Well, it's just like being home, I make coffee, I answer the phone, and I do laundry.

Roseanne, where are the clean towels?

Roseanne

And I listen to children whine.

Roseanne

[on her pants] I guess they didn't shrink, I just grew!

Dan

[putting an arm around Roseanne] I think we've grown together.

Roseanne

We've gotta go on a diet.

Dan

What's this we jazz? My pants fit fine.

Roseanne

Well, my pants don't fit me!

Dan

Well, your pants don't fit me either.

Darlene

Aw, face it. You're both tanks.

Roseanne

Hey, you stay out of this! It's your fault I got fat in the first place!

Darlene

Oh right. Like I invented double dutch chocolate.

Roseanne

No, but I gained twenty pounds with that pregnancy.

Dan

Me too!

Darlene

Twenty pounds?

Roseanne

Okay, forty pounds...[pauses] With each kid.

Dan

Me too!

Say, when was the last time you tasted real butterscotch? Creamy, smooth butterscotch with walnuts, surrounded by delicious milk chocolate. Have a Yummy Bar - you deserve it.

Dan

You okay?

Roseanne

[feebly] Yeah... yeah, I'm just... yeah, I'm gonna get a diet soda.

This week only at the King's Table, our famous Surf 'N Turf Platter - a juicy 10-oz. char-broiled filet mignon, a 10-oz. Maine lobster tail with drawn butter, and steak fries or creamed spinach, all for only $8.99!

At Bucky Burgers, our burgers are flame-broiled! Even the bacon we put on our cheeseburgers is flame-broiled, and we use real cheese, and all our buns are toasted! So bring the whole family to Bucky Burgers!

Come on, kids...

Roseanne

I'M HUNGRY!!!!!!!!!! [flees into the kitchen]

Roseanne

I finally get some time off and I can't do a damned thing. The kids are in there eating canned spaghetti.

Dan

Hey, they like canned spaghetti.

Roseanne

Well, not for breakfast.

Darlene

Mom, did you fly through the windshield or something?

Roseanne

No, but I'd like to try that someday.

Roseanne

Next year, we're starting in June.

Dan

Next year we ain't filing.

Roseanne

We'll go to prison, of course I bet you don't have to file for prison.

Jackie

Are you sure Dan doesn't know?

Roseanne

No, he thinks I'm right on schedule.

Jackie

How did you manage that?

Roseanne

I faked PMS. I even added an extra day for the heck of it.

Dan

[knocking on door of bathroom, where Roseanne, Jackie and Crystal are about to start Roseanne's pregnancy test] Roseanne, what the hell is going on in there?

Roseanne

We're worshiping Satan, honey. We'll be right out.

Darlene

[on the new baby] I just don't think it's fair that you should expect me to clean the baby, or wash it, or watch it while it sleeps, or change its diapers---

Roseanne

[putting her arm around Darlene] I guess what you're saying here is that you just feel that three children are enough for this house.

Darlene

Well, yeah.

Roseanne

[takes her arm from around Darlene] We're gonna miss you, Darlene.

D.J.

Was I an accident?

Roseanne

... No, D.J., you were... a surprise.

D.J.

Oh. What's the difference?

Roseanne

Well, an accident is something that, if you had to do it over again, you wouldn't, but a surprise is something that you didn't even know you wanted till you got it.

D.J.

Was Darlene an accident?

Dan

No, Darlene was a disaster.

D.J.

Darlene says I'm a prevert.

Roseanne

No, you're not a pre-vert, DJ, you're a pervert.

Arnie

Kid's a peeper, huh? Boy, that takes me back...

Roseanne

What, you got sisters too?

Arnie

I wish!

Darlene

I hear he does the nasty with college girls

Roseanne

...WELL. I certainly hope he gets extra credit for that.

He just dated some senior who took some college classes- no big deal!

Roseanne

No, of course not. (arranging Becky's hair) Whattaya think, Dan? Pigtails, ribbons?

Dan

(watching TV) Works for me.