Roseanne Conner quotes from Roseanne

[reading poem at Culture Night] Away, away, why do you stay? Fly away, bird. It looks at me and still it hops, and hops, and hops. Fly away.

Roseanne

[aside, to Jackie] Got a gun on ya?

It spreads it's wings, and flies away, away, it does not look back. That's it.

Mother, I haven't seen you all week. You're neglecting me.

Roseanne

I know honey, but it's nothing personal. I'm neglecting your brother and sister too.

Roseanne

Are you feeliing ignored? Are you feeling unappreciated?

Dan

You're gonna be feeling single in about two seconds.

D.J.

What's going on?

Got me.

D.J.

Mom, what's going on?

Roseanne

We're playing a game.

D.J.

Can I play?

Dan

No, you're too mature to play this game.

(to Roseanne after hearing she is grounded for another week) You're being totally unfair just because I don't want to eat your stinkin' beans!

Roseanne

Wrong, I'm being totally unfair because that is my job!

Roseanne

She's been trying to get a rise out of me for the last month.

Dan

What're you talking about?

Roseanne

Where've you been, Dan? She comes home from school, yells at me and locks herself in her room. The only time she comes out is to either yak on the phone or give me grief.

Dan

Great Caesar's Ghost, she's acting like a 14-year-old.

Roseanne

Anyway, what do you know about this? You're not even a mom!

Jackie

When are you gonna quit throwing that up to me?!

Roseanne

When your water breaks!

Roseanne

I've got two more pancakes here!

DJ

I want French toast!

Roseanne

Well, you better move to Europe.

Now this is supposed to be fast food, people. And we can't exactly call it fast.

Roseanne

Why not? We call it food.

Darlene

You have a big mouth.

Roseanne

No I don’t... BECKY!!!!

Roseanne

For God's sake, Becky, you're 14 years old!

Mom, everything I do... everything I feel, it's always "Well, she's 14." I mean, when you guys do something, people don't go, "Well, she's 37."

Roseanne

[pauses] ...36 and a half.

What is the problem?!! You guys drink all the time!

Dan

First of all, we don't drink all the time; second of all, we're not talking about US!

(sarcastically) Look, I have one drink and you're acting like I'm an alcoholic. Oh quick, I'll call the 800 number.

Roseanne

We ARE your 800 number, Becky.

Roseanne

I have reached an all-time low. I quit my job at Wellman, I didn't make it at phone sales, I get fired by some zit-faced brat at Chicken Divine. Now I am actually going in to apply for a job wherein I make coffee, answer the phone, and sweep the floor.

Jackie

Yes, but those are all things that you do very, very well.

Crystal

You know, Roseanne, I never imagined in my whole life that I'd have you washing my hair.

Roseanne

Well, I always thought of holding your head under water, more than once.

Now, Iris, I love what you did last week, but can you make me look like that? [hands Iris a photo]

Roseanne

Oh, I'm sure you can, Iris. I'll go get the wand.