Feast your eyes, Rat Bros! I have created a device that will solve the global housing crisis by spitting out a fully-built house in just five seconds!
We're gonna officially unveil it tomorrow at the Nobel Prize ceremony and beat you once and for all!
RockBuild houses! That's what we should do!
See? He got there. [he and his friends walk off with their invention]
[frustrated] D'oh! I can't believe they're gonna beat us! They are such… good guys.
Actually, I think we'll still win.
I saw a flaw in the device's engine. If they try to use that thing, it'll explode.
Nice, bro! Nice, bro! Nice, bro! Nice, bro!
[feeling down, quietly] Nice, bro.
[noticing Brody's behavior after Logan and Brogan walk away; concerned] Hey, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm cool. [laughs awkwardly] Cool. I'm cool! Ha-ha. Cool guy. Super cool Brody. Listen, can I tell you something? You remember how I got my PhD from Princeton, right?
Yeah, in two days. Very impressive.
Well, I got a job at a hospital working in robotic prosthetics. [Flashback to him in his hospital shift as he puts some prostheses on a limbless patient named Mr. Drake] All right, Mr. Drake. Test them out.
DMr. Drake
[grips his prostheses, controlling them; surprised] Oh, my gosh. I-I can wave! I can point! I can… [uses them to scratch an itch on his behind] Oooh, I've been waiting to scratch that for 25 years!
[voice-over] But then, something weird happened.
DMr. Drake
Could I… hug you? It would be the first hug I've ever given.
[unsure] Um… I don't really--
DMr. Drake
[hugging him; sobbing happily] Thank you, Brody. You changed my life!
[hugs him in return with his eyes tearing up; voice-over] It felt amazing! And for the first time, I had a new thought.
[Zoom in inside his brain]
BSBrody's Neurons
Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool.
BSBrody's Neuron #1
Be good.
BSBrody's Neurons
Be good. Be good. Be good. Be good. Be good. Be good.
BSBrody's Neuron #2
We really should shower, though.
[Back to the present]
I think… I think I might be a good guy.
[gasps in dramatic shock] No. Brody, no. A-are you sure?
This morning, I wrote a big check to a food bank!
But you know the rules… jerks are cool. Good guys are… I don't even know!
Derf, I get it. But I'm thinking about that machine and… it just feels wrong to do nothing! Those homes would help so many people.
Look, I know it's tough, but sometimes you gotta make hard choices in life. Do you want to foster the well-being of millions… or be cool? [starts to walk away]
Hey, Derf… when you were saving the whales, were you thinking about beating Rock, Paper, and Scissors, or about how good it felt to save those whales?
[thinking for a second] Get some rest, bro. [resumes walking away]
[returns to the apartment; bummed] Of all the bad days in my life, that probably broke the top 50. [sees his friends dancing to Lolly's album]
By the way, I'd also recommend not going online.
Rock
We wrote some really nasty stuff.
[turns off the music] Guys, this is serious! I can't even leave the house! I gotta get everyone to stop hating me.
Rock
I don't know how you could do that.
Yeah, Lolly's the victim here.
[as an idea pops into his head] That's it! That's how you win over the public sympathy! I just need to out-victim Lolly.
[While the trio are fighting against Dr. Big Bat over a big strawberry, Paper gets a reminder on his phone for his annual family get-together]
RSRock & Scissors
Oh, no.
BBDr. Big Bat
What? What is it?
I totally forgot. Today's my annual family get-together.
BBDr. Big Bat
Oh, well, we can reschedule, if you need to go.
No, it's not that. It's… [sighs deeply] I come from a family of very high achievers. There's my sister, Sandpaper, an action movie star. My brother, Toilet Paper, a popular stand-up comedian. My mom, Newspaper, an award-winning journalist. My dad, Parchment Paper, a famous pastry chef. And then there's me… the dud.
BBDr. Big Bat
Wait, why is your name the only one that's not a specific type of paper?
I actually go by my middle name. My full name's Plain Paper.
What?! [laughs] That's the funniest thing I've ever heard! I'm gonna get as much mileage out of that as possible!
Every time we get together, my family goes around the table and says what they accomplished in the last year. Everyone says something incredible until it gets to me. I share something stupid… then my family says, "Wow, Paper. That's really something." And then they give me a cookie. I've always wanted to do something incredible, but nothing I do is. And don't want to be humiliated again.
PPParchment Paper
Paper? What's going on? And why are your friends here?
Rock
Because we have beef and… Uh… Come back to me.
What's going on is I don't want to go back to that table! You don't know how humiliating it is to hear about all the incredible things you do every year because I never do any myself. [to Sandpaper] You're working on big action movies, [to his mother] you're breaking national news, and I'm just Plain Paper. That's why I staged this kidnapping. Rock, Scissors, and I were fighting Dr. Big Bat over a giant strawberry we grew for the county fair, and we thought he'd make a good kidnapper. But then you got through all the bats, so I had to call a bunch of people I met over the past year. Like the ghosts we befriended when we tried to get the perfect holiday picture, the tortoises I accidentally made huge from toxic ooze and taught martial arts in the sewer, and the Hipponoids from the time I stopped their invasion and saved Earth.
NNewspaper
Hold on. You did all that in the last year?
[sadly] Yeah, I go on a lot of silly adventures.
Paper, that's not silly at all.
PPParchment Paper
Are you kidding? Who goes on adventures like that?
TPToilet Paper
Yeah, that's… That's incredible!
Rock
Ah, that's why I should've said.
[Rock is sitting on the sofa, wrapped in a blanket and an ice pack on his head, feeling really sick]
[disgusted] Ugh, Rock, are you-- [Rock starts coughing] Are you-- [Rock coughs more and harder] Rock, are you okay?!
Rock
No. I got a nasty bug.
Hey, I don't come to your work and call you gross. You know, 'cause you don't have a job.
[sniffs sadly; voice breaking] Rock did say it was nasty.
Rock
I probably got it from working too much. Between Franz and the robot car wash…
You still work at the car wash?
Rock
I also worked at a climbing gym, but I just got fired.
HRHiring Robot
You call yourselves car washers? You can't even dance!
Are those things related?
FRFemale Robot Executive
Of course, car washes are all about dancing, and you two better get your act together because Car Wash Nationals are this Sunday.
HRHiring Robot
Yes, a competition where car washes are judged on dancing and washing that dates back to the 1920s.
[Quick scene shows the Car Wash Nationals from the 1920s]
FRFemale Robot Executive
It's the biggest sporting event in the country, and everyone's training for it.
[All car wash employees are training for the competition]
This is ridiculous! That place has four people who are just back-up dancers and never touch the cars!
HRHiring Robot
We've won the last two titles, and if we win this year, we'll be the first car wash to ever win the three-peat.
FRFemale Robot Executive
This is our chance to make the history books. [sternly] So don't ruin it for us.
Oh, man. She is blatantly hitting on me.
[Cut to the trio's apartment]
You didn't tell us we were entering a dance competition!
Rock
I said it was an important time for the car wash. That wasn't clear?
Rock
But you said you'd cover for me.
Yeah, but we can't do this. We've practiced all day. We're not championship-level dancers!
You're telling me. I bet you don't even know the difference between a basket toss and a full-down.
How can we have fun with it?! The stakes are enormous, and it's in front of MILLIONS OF PEOPLE!
I feel like they're not having fun with it.
[in unison] SHUT IT, BUG! This is your fault! Get your smug attitude outta here!
[in unison] THAT'S ENOUGH! I am so sick of you! I will basket toss you outta here!
Rock
Guys, guys, relax. You're putting too much pressure on yourselves. All you have to do is learn the routine and end with the reverse triple corkscrew window wash.
[turns on the lights after he and his friends make hand shadows] Gotta admit, we're a pretty incredible trio.
Oh, I meant to ask… I was looking up other fun stuff for us to try. Wanna go cherry picking?
Rock
Sure!
[dumbfounded] Cherry picking?! I'd rather sleep next to a grizzly bear with violent night terrors.
I'd rather wear underwear made of porcupine needles. I'd rather attend a 9-hour recital of beginner violinists. I would rather run a 10K in a hailstorm, naked on hot coals, and then clean the elephant pen at the zoo with my bare hands!
Rock
My goodness!
RReporter
One cherry picking trip later…
[sitting in the sofa on his phone as his friends return] So, how was cherry picking? The pits? [snickers]
Rock
No, it was so much fun!
[entering the trio's apartment with Paper] Guys! Paper and I made a cloning device!
I did nothing and she knows it, but isn't she amazing?!
Scissors, can we test it on your goldfish?
[sitting on the sofa, sadly sulking] As long as you don't hurt her. Sometimes that little fish feels like the only thing that cares about me, that listens, that lets me finish my--
Rock
[walking up to him] What's wrong, buddy? Feeling sad that you're unemployed? Or out of shape? Or--
Rock, stop guessing. [sighs sadly] I just got dumped… again. She said she didn't want to see me anymore for, quote, "too many reasons to list."
Rock
Hey, don't feel bad just 'cause a few women turned you down.
Rock
Just 'cause a few hundred women turned you down. You're one of the most lovable people I know, and my life is better because you're in it.
[cheered up] Thanks, Rock. You're very good to me.
Rock Paper Scissors · 174 quotes
