Rock quotes from Rock Paper Scissors

Scissors

Paper, you broke the rules of storytelling?

Rock

That's as hardcore as it gets!

Paper

Really? So I can get my old room back?

Rock

Yeah!

Scissors

Absolutely!

Paper

Great. Scissors, are you wearing Rock's shorts again?

Scissors

[wearing Rock's favorite pair of shorts] Uh, well, Mr. Parmesan was having so many parties. There was no time to do laundry. I mean-- [cut to him cramped up in Mr. Parmesan's mouse hole] This isn't fair! I can't fold like Paper can!

Rock

Paper, how are you not sobbing? I mean, the love, the loss, the CGI monkey with a heart of gold!

Paper

I don't know. People cry at different things.

Rock

And when's the last time you cried? When the Whos in Whoville sang their Christmas song?

Paper

Are you saying I'm the Grinch?

Scissors

Hurry, Paper! Our 500 tubs of limited edition cheeseburger ice cream are melting!

Paper

I'm going as fast as I can, but I can't see through the clouds!

Rock

It's not gonna make it! We need to eat it all now!

Paper

Rock!

Scissors

NO!

[after the trio crashes through the roof of his house] What on earth is going on?

[all surprised] Henry Winkler?!

Yup, it's me. [to the viewers] I actually said yes to this.

Rock

[screams in excitement] Mr. Winkler, I am your biggest fan! I love your acting, your children's books, you can do no wrong.

I guess you didn't see my off-Broadway version of Kinky Boots.

Paper

Good news, friends. Things have been going swimmingly with me and my special lady.

Rock

Special lady?

Scissors

Are you 90?

Paper

[looking at a photo of him and Pencil playing around with an electric plasma ball] I can't even remember the last time I did something embarrassing around her. Oh. Yes, I can.

Pencil

Paper, I think you confused Toluene with Toluidine.

Paper

Oh. How embarrassing. [lets out a flatulence] I'm having a bad day. Anyway, I'm going to meet her tonight for a romantic dinner, tell her how I feel, and ask her to be my girlfriend. If she says yes, I'll feel like the luckiest man alive. And if she says no, I'll turn into a red-hot ball of inexhaustible rage and take it out on all of you guys. But who knows? [skips away]

Rock

Wanna film that for our channel?

Scissors

Worth a shot. Maybe it'll appease Grandma.

Sandpaper

Exercise is important. It's good for your heart, it's good for your brain. You guys are so sedentary, you're practically koalas.

Hey! That's a hurtful stereotype and… [quickly goes to sleep]

Rock

Also, we just did a workout last week.

Sandpaper

[sarcastically] Yeah? How'd that go?

All right, ladies, let's get those hands up and flap those pool noodles!

Scissors

This is hard. Let's go eat cake.

Sandpaper

You three need to stop making excuses. This is just like when Paper used to write fake notes from Mom to get out of gym class. [Paper gives her a note; reading] "Please excuse Paper from Sandpaper's workout. He has a broken…" [stops reading] Really? You're still doing this? [unplugs their video game system, shutting off the TV]

Paper

Hey!

Scissors

Hey!

Rock

[yells frantically as his friends look at him; calmly] Sorry.

Paper

Sandpaper, give that back!

Sandpaper

I'll give it back when you complete one of my workouts. And I promise, when you see the results, you won't care about video games anymore. [takes away three Jane Austen novels as well] And no Jane Austen novels either.

Rock

What?!

Paper

Awww!

Scissors

Come on!

Rock

Are you eating pancakes?

Scissors

[munching on pancakes while light jogging] I'm carbo loading. All athletes do it.

Paper

The day before the workout.

Scissors

Yeah, I'm gonna take workout advice from the guy exercising in jeans. [referring to Paper]

Rock

[as he and his friends find themselves in a jungle] Where are we?

Sandpaper

[on laptop] Welcome to the jungle! You've been dropped in the middle of Africa. And to finish this workout, you must get to a helicopter 50 miles north of here. That's where I'll be to fly you home.

Scissors

She does this for everyone?

Sandpaper

But between here and the chopper, you'll have to get through a series of rigorous, led-based exercises. So let's jump into the first one: pin this warthog!

Scissors

[starting to feel sick while gagging] Rock, stop running. I'm gonna throw up!

Paper

Scissors, come on!

Rock

We're so close!

Scissors

[placing his hands on his bloated stomach; weakly stuffed] Uh, I don't feel good. It's probably all the pancakes, lasagna, entire wedding cake, and 40 pounds of honey I ate offscreen.

Pencil

Hey, Rock. Did you hear the good news? Potato won the International Genius Award! She learned how to save endangered animals by splicing in her own DNA. [shows him the video on her phone]

Hey, I'm the three-potatoed sloth. Who's down for nachos?

Rock

You witch! Why did you tell me this?!

Pencil

What's the problem?

Rock

Now I have to keep this from Paper. He's in a bad place right now, and if he found out, it would crush him!

Pencil

Okay, then don't tell him.

Rock

You don't understand. I CAN'T KEEP A SECRET!

Scissors

[quietly] It's okay. If we don't say anything, he'll think we're gone and he'll leave us alo--

Lou

[kicks the door down with his foot] Oh, there you are. I was knocking. [the trio sighs in disappointment] Listen, something's wrong with my cat, Meatball. I took him to the vet, changed his diet, even bought him a kitty Peloton, which he never uses… but he's still looking rough.

Rock

How old is he?

Lou

30.

Rock

30?

Lou

That's not that old. I'm only 31.

Rock

31?!

Paper

Uh, Lou, it might be Meatball's time.

Lou

What? I can't lose Meatball. We've done everything together.

Lou

I'm going broke trying to take care of him. I need more tenants.

Scissors

You also need to check that vampire book. He looks even worse now.

Lou

That's on me. I accidentally made him sick 'cause I ordered a garlic pizza from Chaepo's Pizza.

Paper

You ordered a garlic pizza?

Lou

Yeah, with garlic knots, garlic tots, raw garlic, and a pint of garlic juice.

Rock

[disgusted] Eww!

Lou

Try it.

Rock

[takes a drink of the garlic juice] Ooh, worse than I thought,

Scissors

In fairness, Meatball would've gotten sick from a regular Cheapo's pizza. That place is awful.

Cheapo's Pizza! Everyone gets food poisoning here!

Lou

[as Meatball puts his paw on his hand] I know, Meatball. I'll find a way to save you.

[presenting Scissors a red pearl as a gift] This is a special pearl, because it's extremely dangerous to retrieve. It only grows inside a clam.

Scissors

That doesn't seem that dangerous.

That's been swallowed by a shark.

Scissors

Oh.

That's been eaten by a whale.

Scissors

Good Lord.

In mermaid culture, we give this to our perfect match, to say, "You matter to me most of all." [places it in his hands]

Scissors

So look at this! [holds out, what is actually a golf ball]

Rock

[baffled] A golf ball?

Scissors

No, it's-- Well, it was a pearl. Oh, she did say it only glows when you're with your perfect match, which is me for my mermaid girlfriend.

Paper

Guys, I asked you to help set up for the Apology Soirée.

Rock

The what?

Paper

The event I'm hosting where we invite everyone we've wrong over the past year to apologize. [holds up a whoopsie cake]

Rock

Are you doing this because individual apologies are hard and doing it all at once is the coward's way out?

Paper

That's what sold Scissors.

Scissors

Big coward!

Rock

Yeah, this feels like more of a "you guys" thing.

Paper

Fine. Then Scissors and I will be the mature ones in this-- [gets smacked in the face by Scissors' sticky hand] Ah! Ow! Scissors, you are such a child! [starts chasing him around] What grown man has a sticky hand?! You are a nightmare! If I look up "nightmare" in the dictionary, I would say, "Wrong picture," because it should be Scissors!

Rock

[gazing at the enlargement ray, and an idea gets in his head] The enlargement ray! [imagines himself in his enormous size as the apartment building and making modeling poses]

Franz

[amazed] Well, I certainly can't ignore you, now that you're enormous!

Franz

Well, great. Thanks to you, we are now further from the ray and stuck on this counter. When will you learn?

Rock

[bitterly] Never from you.

Franz

What was what? You spoke at a volume suggesting you were saying nasties about me.

Rock

Forget it. [sees two of Lou's cats on the counter and one of them hops off] Franz! I know how to get down. [they climb onto the cat]

Franz

How do we get it to go?

Rock

We wait. I mean, it's not like Ratatouille where you grab some hair and-- [grabs the cat's fur with both hands, making the cat stand up] Oh, shoot! It is like Ratatouille!