You sure you wanna do a movie, Tiger?
I want to be beloved again, like before I had sex with all those waitresses from IHOP. Jordan did Space Jam. I want my Space Jam.
Well, studios aren't lining up to lend their characters to a Tiger Woods movie. Everyone aggressively passed except DiC, but I cannot recommend that.
[Cut to the title card for the Golf Jam movie]
Welcome to the Golf Jam!
[Cut to Tiger on the golf course]
Time for a day of playing golf and being faithful to my girlfriend. [falls down a large hole] What? Whoooooooa!! [lands in DiC Land, surrounded by Heathcliff and other DiC characters] Ow!
Welcome to DiC Land, Tiger.
[getting up from his fall and waving hello] Why, hi, Garfield.
I'm Heathcliff. I'm more romantic and have an accent. This is Cleo.
We need your help, Tiger.
[enamoured with Cleo's beauty] I want to put my penis in you... [snaps back to attention, and looks at the camera] I mean, I love my girlfriend.
We brought you here because the evil Dork Punks challenged us to a game of golf.
[once again enamoured with Cleo's beauty] I want to hump your face... [flustered] I mean, help your face- [snaps out of it again] Help you, I will help you!
[The Dork Punks walk into the shot, as Tiger turns to look at them]
Let's tee off, DiC-heads!
[Tiger and Heathcliff look at each other and nod, and we cut to a golf-playing montage. Tiger (now wearing a cap with the DiC logo on it) hits a beautiful shot as Heathcliff, Cleo, and a couple of other toons watch. LongArm uses his gauntlet to sink a putt, as Tiger chats up Princess Lana and receives a slap to the face from her. As Cleo prepares to sink her putt, Tiger walks up from behind and starts pretending to hump her. Ja-Kal prepares to take a shot as Armon looks on, but a piece of Armon's gauze is caught on Ja-Kal's club. As Ja-Kal swings, he and Armon both get tied up in Armon's gauze. Tiger is seen in one of the bunkers with Nefer-Tina sitting on top of him, as she unwraps the gauze from her upper body much to Tiger's delight. The montage ends as Tiger is getting ready to sink his final putt, with Cleo and Hammerman watching on]
If you sink this putt, we win!
Wish me luck, Bobby Brown.
Bobby Brown? I'm Hammerman! I'm M.C. Hammer, except not, and I have magic shoes. [shows off his magic dancing shoes]
[looks at Cleo] You know, I don't even know if I want to save you DiC's. You're just uninspired rehashes of good ideas. Seriously, how cheap is DiC? This is a movie, and you all look like you were drawn on a napkin.
Win the game and I'll blow you.
[Upon hearing this, Tiger immediately sinks the putt and wins the game. As the DiC toons celebrate, Tiger unzips his pants and takes a terrified Cleo by the hand into the Pancake House for his well-earned blowjob]
[rapping] Everybody tee off, get a club in your hands, charisma-free sex addict saving DiC Land! Welcome to the Golf Jam!
[Cut to black with the bold white text "Golf Jam was rented once from Redbox. The copy was returned on time." And Screen Cuts to static]
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