Well, kids, never thought I'd say this, but, Summer, you were right.
SummerWait, what?
I thought I wanted to teach you guys about tents, but really, I just wanted to feel important. I guess sometimes teenagers do know what they're talking about, even if it's mean.
Right, but didn't you, like, go into god-mode and fight Mom?
Love is the only power that matters, Morty.
No, you had actual power, and you did jack shit. That was a divine staff. You could've cured cancer or raised the dead. Instead you made bugs.
Well, I was impressed, Dad. He saved my life, no thanks to you.
[A moment of silence, with Rick looking bitter and noticing Jerry smirking in his mirror]
Your kids got high on alien mist and drove the ship into that Zeus guy's head. Basically murdered him.
Summer
Grandpa, what the hell?!
What? You did. I mean, not to cast the first stone, but Beth and Jerry? Pretty terrible parenting on your part. Did you know Summer huffed a K-Zax Array? She basically smoked The Ring - most pilots die after three days. And Morty, the fucking moron, he thought the ship worked like a game controller! What in the Disney Channel fuck is that?! Maybe help him with homework next time! He's clearly crying for help!
You gotta at least wanna know who your real mom is?
Not really, Rick. We have two badass moms now, that's kind of a win-win.
Summer
Yeah, Grandpa Rick, don't drag us into your bullshit just because you're losing control.
But why does he always want to be hunted?
That's not important right now, dad!
Sure, guys. Rick can make secret decoys of the family and place them all around the country, but fuck me if I have questions about the starfish man in the target suit.
Summer
So thankful this is my Saturday.
"Terminate"? They're alive, dad!
And at some point, they won't be. That's how existing works. What, are you gonna save every stray cat?
No, but I can resist making more of them in a lab!
Look, save the empathy. It's more termite infestation than Blade Runner.
Summer
I still think we're decoys.
You just want an excuse to stop trying!
Summer
Yeah, and?
Summer
You're gonna need my help. It's only a matter of time before Bruce learns you're a creepy little grandpa's boy always climbing up into alien asses.
Or the "Summer Smith shampoos her pubes" rumor.
Summer
Okay, you came to play. We both need to acquire Chutback's loyalty before he finds out we're losers. By all accounts, it's a very small window, so I think it's in our best interests to work as a team.
Yeah, most people would call that family.
[Summer turns and farts at him]
Summer
You have to like it, or you're sexist!
Summer
The turkey is raw, dad. Shit's potato bunz.
Sorry, Summer, the United States enclosed us in a shimmer bubble that scrambled my oven timer. So I guess elections do have consequences.
Eat my ass, Jerry! I've seen your IRS records. You can blame me once you have taxable income.
[laughs, then catches himself] Yes, Jerry's a piece of shit, I agree.
Summer
Your kids and their grandpa are asking you to do an activity with them - when did that stop being a parent's wettest dream?!
I guess around the time our family created a giant incest baby and the government launched it into space.
Summer
[sarcastic] "Oh my god, we made a giant incest baby!" "Oh my god, you might be a clone!" "I exist because you guys failed to abort me!" We get the family we get, not the one we want, and if you want to keep the one you got, get your asses into some anime spacesuits!
Summer
I've been really sensitive about family lately because of something I've been keeping secret...
Okay, who's on the Supreme Court and what state do we live in? It's been years since I thought about this--
Summer
No, I'm not pregnant, but as you guys recall, and as a lot of people keep bringing up, Morty and I did accidentally create a giant incest baby, which the government did launch into space. And... I'm not sure how to tell you this, but, it is still alive, and I have been in contact with it. [narrating over a flashback] There were soldiers waiting for me outside school last month. They took me to the Pentagon and briefed me, and from there, I was shuttled to a secret base on Mars. They had captured him and wanted to see if he'd respond to me instinctively, being his mother. And he sure did. But what they didn't expect was that I'd respond to him. I was supposed to help discipline him so they could turn him into the ultimate weapon. Instead, I trained him to love, to believe in himself - and finally, to escape! [flashback ends] The government doesn't want anyone to know it happened, but it's only a matter of time before the story comes out. And when it does, all we're going to have is each other. And you guys are a couple, and Rick has Morty, but I'm the odd one out, so [starting to cry] I wanted to make sure we stuck together! But instead, I drove us apart, and Rick replaced me with an anime girl, so all I got is myself and my giant, tortured, government-trained rogue incest monster baby out there in space somewhere!
[comforting her] Oh, baby, what the fuck? [frowning] And then you have to wonder, what else are they doing with our taxes?
[Rick and Morty start flashing green with a pulsing sound]
Wait, what? Wh-What's happening?!
Instead of resetting portal travel, I may have reset portal travellers. Too late to apologize.
[enters, also pulsing green] Rick, why am I pulsing green? And don't say you don't know, because you're pulsing green.
Rick, are we about to die?!
[putting a makeshift device together] No, we're about to vanish from this reality.
No, it isn't! It's everyone from this reality returning to their reality of origin.
Back to our original universes...!
I explained it fine, Morty, you're spoon-feeding spoons. Where's Summer?
Summer
[enters] Oh nice, you guys are back. [notices the flashing] Whoa...
Summer, three of us are one-way blind hopping. [hands her the device] You gotta help us get back. There's a protocol for this in your chore-server, filename "Booger AIDs".
Summer
Every file is "Booger AIDs"!
I—I hate naming things! Just.. search for words like "one-way blind hop, reset map beacon".
[aghast] Why do I have a reality of origin?!
There's no time to explain, Jerry! Counting on you, Summer! "One-way blind hop beacon protocol"! HERE WE GOOOOOOO...!
[Nothing happens for a while, though the pulsing speeds up]
So there was time to explain.
Don't waste extra precious seconds with your pettiness, Jerry! Summer, let's rundown--
Summer
"One-way blind hop, reset beacon, Booger AIDs".
Cool. [waits for a moment] Wow.
[angrily] THERE WAS SO MUCH TIME TO EXPLAIN!
Yes! Fine! Hindsight is 20-20! Who has ever taken this long to vanish?
How did I end up not in my own universe?! [thinks] Oh my God, the Jerryboree!
RMRick and Morty
Ohhhhhhhh, the Jerryboree.
Deep cut. [all three vanish]
Wait, but where's our real dad and our real Morty?
Summer
Buried in the backyard.
That's what the possums are after...
Do you understand time dilation?! I'm losing a month a second out here!
Summer
There's an alien army out here shooting people! What am I doing?!
It's a small group of alien terrorists. Just do a Die Hard.
Summer
What does that mean?!
Sneak around, use air vents! You've never seen Die Hard.
Summer
I'm seventeen! No, I've never seen fucking Die Hard!
Well, neither did the guy in Die Hard, so good luck!
Seriously, you two?! What the hell did you do in my holodeck?! Holy shit, you... you did a full "San Junipero" in here?! Oh my God, Beth, there's masturbating and then there's masturbating!
Eww, Dad, stop! I'm sorry!
[groans] Look, this isn't my business, and by all means, enjoy being sapphic horse girls together, but you suck at doing it secretly! We all know!
Summer
No, Dad's so in the dark that he's enjoying a video game about being in an affair right now.
If you guys are doing this, you got to tell him!
Okay, little man, back off.
Take it easy. They're right.
Right about what? That we have to be twice as considerate and twice as repressed because [towards Rick] some dick split us in two? This is the shit I left! [pulling Beth towards her] This isn't. This is me. This is the me that doesn't tell you all to fuck off. So allow me: fuck off. She'll tell her husband what she wants when she feels like it. And you can deal with it or you can deal with me, but you should know I have all the Predator weapons.
[Short silence]
Summer
Fair enough.
[leading them away] I guess it's time for ice cream.
Summer
You know, fortune cookies only come true if you eat the cookie first. [eats and reads] All right. "Hard work often pays off." Lame.
[reading hers] "Family time is time well spent." Okay, that's not only empty, it's been disproven.
Okay, mine says "Family time is time well..." Oh man, I got the same one?
What's your stupid 21st century watered-down fortune cookie say, Dad?
"You will have sex with your mother."
[Jerry gets surprised, awkward looks from the family and everyone else in the restaurant]
Rick and Morty · 269 quotes
