LouThomas, you're just in time for another in a series of gripping exchanges and deep thought and personal wisdom.
What are we talkin' about?
Lou
Today's topic is the most number of times they've masturbated in one day.
Yeah, I'm 7, Sean's 4. Lou?
Lou
3.
Lou
Well, it's only 8:30, the day's young. I'd go for 4, but I'm doing food prep.
Well, yeah, but it takes a little longer now, I mean, the older you get... don't you need more time in between... you know...
Lou
Ejaculations?
Well, I mean, that's if you get technical, I was gonna say jizzes.
We did have a kid in the old neighborhood, Bobby Morgan, claimed he jacked off 17 times in one 24 hour period.
17 times, is that even possible?
Well, even more amazing than that, it was a school day.
Yeah, he said the last time, it pretty much just came out air.
So his cock farted? I mean, come on, if it comes out air, it's a fart.
[about Colleen and Shawn] But the kid's great, he doesn't smoke, he doesn't drink, I got nothin' bad to say about the kid. Is he my first choice to date Colleen? No.
Lou
Yeah, and I think you're real lucky too about the deciding to not have sex thing.
Lou
What you didn't know that?
What? They're not havin' sex? Why would they not be havin' sex?
Lou
Oh, I dunno, I dunno.
Why are they not havin' sex?
Lou
I don't know. [looks away]
Lou
No reason. [Tommy makes a face at him] They're waiting.
Lou
Why don't we get this chair outta here?
Lou
Until they get married... [Tommy bites down on his glove as Black Shawn passes by]
Oh, that sneaky little black son of a bitch!
[about Colleen and Shawn waiting to have sex] She's not gettin' married, I'm tellin' you that. How did we go wrong? We purposefully raised her the wrong way, as a lapsed Catholic so now she enjoying herself on birth control, bangin' her brains out, but now she wants to reclaim her virginity and wait to have sex 'til she gets married. My daughter turned Amish on me, how's that possible? She's not gettin' married, she's not gonna end up like her mom, I'm tellin' 'ya.
Lou
Wh- What do you mean? Gorgeous, 40, and angry? She's Irish, she's gonna end up angry no matter what.
She's not gettin' married, I'm tellin' 'ya. Too young!
Lou
Tommy, you keep that act up, she's gonna get married even sooner.
I'm gonna tell 'ya what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna talk to her, have a conversation with her, and she's gonna end up having sex with him, okay? She's gonna have lots of sex with him, she's gonna have so much sex, that it's gonna turn into what sex is supposed to be: Boring, monotonous chore, just like it is for everyone else who's in a long-term relationship, and then he's gonna get bored, and then he's gonna leave, and then we're all set, and the marriage is off.
Lou
Right. So lemme get this start, you're gonna have a conversation with your teenage daughter, telling her to have sex with her boyfriend?
Lou
Can I sit in on that conversation? Because it's gonna be so creepy, it's gonna reset the high end of my creep-meter for the rest of my life.
Sean: I’m so full of shit now, really
Lou
Finally, a moment of self-awareness
No, seriously, I haven’t taken a shit in like five days. I’m really getting backed up. I feel like I have a shit turduckin sitting in my colon.
MMikey
What’s a turduckin dude? I mean I get the turd part, but -
Lou
Fancy poultry thing. It’s a chicken jammed inside a duck jammed inside a turkey.
Yeah, except in my case it’s a shit jammed inside a bigger shit jammed inside a really big shit.
Okay, never thought I’d say this, but can we go back to the twins?
Lou
Alright, here’s my theory: I think there’s some guy with this super twin producing sperm, running around Hollywood impregnating all these broads.
Here’s one way to find him, look for a guy with four balls.
MMikey
Four balls, how do you think he deals with the chaffing issues?
Lou
Well, I have another theory and that theory involves fact that I think this guy put some of the celebrity baby money into design and construction of the special ball harness.
Lou
Ahh!
And with that gentlemen, I bid you adieu.
Lou, we're not putting him in the ring with Keira Knightley. We are gonna find the biggest, ugliest, meanest lesbian on this planet.
Lou
Hillary Clinton would never do this.
Lou
Yeah, I know, but would you fight her?
In my heaven, every man that's ever done this job and laid down his life in the line of duty, like the 343 from 9/11, they get the best seats in the house.
...
DDamien
Do you believe in heaven?
Lou
Yes, I do.
What's heaven like for you?
Lou
Free hot doughnuts on floating trays.
Lou
Barbra Streisand.
Lou
No, she's not singing. She's alone. She's just there. She's just kinda loitering, and I'm burning up in flames. They're lickin' my body, and she's just standing there a couple yards away, just looking at me with that weird, crazed, kinda go-funny eye of hers just glarin' at me. For Hitler, she'd be singing.
[The series' last lines]
Lou
You know you're gonna have to get that fat kid as the new probie, right? I mean, none of you assholes can cook. Looks like the kid knows his way around food. You know, you could've mentioned me by name out there. You're talking about heroes and brothers, blah, blah, blah. Oh, and one more thing. When you pick a photo of me, you know, for the plaque in the firehouse, can you find something that doesn't look so chinny?
Lou
Yeah, get one from when I was younger and thinner.
Lou
Like freshman year in high school.
Lou
Yeah, I was a buck-10.
Lou
You know, that's no way to talk to the dead. But I'm gonna let it slide since you named my godson Shea Gavin.
Lou
Very cool. Good name for a restaurant.
Lou
I'm gonna go restaurant. So are you gonna sit here staring at me or are we gonna drive someplace?
[starting the truck] Oh, right. Yeah.
Lou
Duncan Hines cake mix, huh? Well, I guess that's kind of symbolic or ironic. Not quite sure which.
Rescue Me · 279 quotes
