Jesus Christ, Jerry. Shit. I mean, there's no other way?
LouYou know, you just don't get it, Franco.
No, you're damn right we don't, Lou. Come on.
Lou
You know why? You know why you don't get it? Because you're young and the future is your friend, you know, and your eyes work and your cocks work, and the way you guys think you're gonna be on the job forever eatin' smoke, and it don't work that way, boys.
Okay, so if I get a little older, a little sick, I should just kill myself? Is that what I'm supposed to do?
Lou
You know what? It was Jerry's life and he was unhappy and he made a choice. And obviously it was a pretty severe choice, but you wanna know somethin'? I give the guy all the respect I have for going out on his own terms.
Yeah, well, I don't. I think he was a goddamn coward.
Lou
Watch it, Franco.
I'm just sayin' how I feel, Lou.
Lou
[to Tommy]' Do you hear this shit?
Yeah, except that I kinda agree with him.
Lou
Well, then screw you, too.
Lou
Watch it Tom, okay?
He was afraid. Afraid of workin' behind that desk down at down at headquarters for the next five or--
Oh, come on, Tom. That's your excuse for the guy?--
Shut up, asshole! What do you got eight years on the job? (Sean goes to say something) Shut up! Christ almighty. You know how much he hated being the Chief, huh? Watching us run into jobs while he stood outside, but he did it. You know why? So he could teach assholes like, (points to Sean and Franco) you and you what the job was really about. When he was working up in the Bronx, when the Bronx was burning, huh? You ever hear about those days, huh? They'd get 10, 12, 14 jobs a night! Shithead. He ran into a job up on 279th street, he pulled three kids in wheelchairs out in somethin' like 15 minutes. You know why? Because the rest of his crew was busy bringing old people out. There was a cold storage warehouse fire up there one night and the Chief on the job that night shut the job down because it was 'too hot for humans'. You know what Jerry did? He ran around the side of the building, went in the side door, pulled out two drunken assholes, ends up the two same assholes who started the goddamn fire! And he was working then, without a mask, running in and out of the building with a cigar danglin' out of his mouth. You wanna talk about being brave and who's a coward and who's not a coward? Suck my cock. Wanna talk about being brave? When he was workin' up in the Bronx, he used up all the goddamn brave he had.
Lou
I love you Teresa. You're really important to me, you know, but the way things have been going... I mean, anything that we do with our clothes on, it-- it just feels like filler until we get into bed. ... Or into the shower, or on top of the kitchen table, or... in the alley behind the building. I just-- I think we owe it to each other to put the sex on hold, and lets see what we really have. And to safeguard against the very real possibility that without a breather, my dick's gonna snap off like a twig.
TTeresa
I love you, too, honey.
[about Jerry's ashes] You know, what if it's not really the Chief in there?
Lou
You know, the kid's got a point. I mean, it's ashes, for all we know it could be Anna Nicole Smith.
Well, does silicone burn?
Lou
Not in that quantity.
I still feel so bad. Her cheating on you... with me... that bitch.
Lou
Well, you know, it's not the first time she cheated on anyone.
So, she's done it before?
Lou
She was a nun when I met her so technically, you know, she was married to Jesus.
I guess that makes you the other man. [laughs] That's a mighty impressive takeaway on your part.
Lou
Yeah, well, I'm real proud about that. Even if it means I'm takin' the express train to hell.
But look, it was worth it, right?
Lou
No, not really. ... You know, I mean, you're family, Mike. That's what's important, you know, family, that... that unbreakable bond. And I'm willing to forgive and forget.
Lou
Bros before hoes.
Now, let's get shitfaced and make it official.
Teresa: Oh, wait. There's just one more thing. I'm gonna need to get my handcuffs, and my whip and my leather lingerie back. Also, the box of edible panties would be great.
Lou
I um... I ate all the edible panties.
Teresa: You ate the panties... Great. [walks off]
Lou
Yeah, and vanilla and strawberry. I had a Neapolitan thing goin'.
You're tryin' to get me to date the Chief's daughter, aren't you?
Lou
No!
Lou
No!
Lou
Yes.
Lou
Yes, I am. Yeah, look it's a career move, Tom. Number one, you're takin' out the Chief's goddamn daughter, okay? Number two, you're gettin' my ass out of the fire. Number three, you're winning very valuable brownie points with Lou. Okay, look, I know I owe you 5 grand from the Great Lou Depression of last year. If you take her back, I will pay you back 7 grand. [Tommy moves closer to him] You take her out and I'm gonna give you back, 7,500 dollars. [Tommy moves closer] I'm gonna give you-- Aw, Christ, Tommy, you know I don't have that kinda money. Why don't you say something?
He asked you first, didn't he?
Lou
No!
Lou
No!
Lou
Yes!
Yes, yes. Yeah, I knew. I knew. Yeah.
Lou
Hey, how's it goin'?
She hasn't ordered any food, okay?
Lou
Oh, that's perfect. She's a cheap date. Cheaper than Sherry Feldman.
Yeah, okay. She's also a repeater.
Lou
She farts a lot?
I mean, every time I say somethin' she repeats it back to me, okay?
Lou
Tom, that's perfect. All you gotta say is 'I'd like to take you to my car and blow you', and she repeats it back, and you say 'yes', bingo!
When's Tommy comin' back?
Lou
Why?
Because it's not like him to call in sick. Whenever I do, he calls me a pussy.
Lou
Well, number 1, you are a pussy. Number 2, he's fine, a little stomach virus.
Hey, check it out, look what Shawn found.
Antique lamp, totally untouched by the fire or smoke.
Lou
Hand it over, you mugs. [they hand it to him] Alright, three things, okay? This is private property, which means it belongs to someone, which means it has memories and emotions attached to it, it could possibly be a family heirloom. Second, taking private property from the scene of the fire, damaged or not, okay? Is against department regulations.
What's the third thing, Lou?
Lou
It looks like it's a reading lamp from a bedside table, which means there's probably another one exactly like it lying around, if you could find that and bring it directly to me, I'd appreciate it. [they all turn to go look for it] Thank you.
You know what, that's gonna go real nice with that headboard that you got out of the furniture warehouse fire last year.
Lou
It's the fun side of being a boss.
Lou
[discussing whether or not he should have sex with his cousin Mike's girlfriend as revenge for his cousin having sex with Teresa] There's only one problem: She's black.
Are we talkin' Halle Berry black, or Jennifer Hudson black?
Lou
Aretha Franklin black.
Lou
Now, not to say I have anything against black women, I think they happen to be very, very beautiful, it's not a racial thing at all.
No, no, no. Nobody's talkin' about nobody's skin color or anything. Lemme ask you this, can she sing?
Lou
How the hell do I know?
Well, I'm just askin' because sometimes a talent in one area can overcome or take the edge off a lack of talent in the other area.
Lou
Did I also mention that she's fat?
Lou
I mean, she'd have to be able to sing, dance, paint, and figure skate just to take the edge off, and even then there'd be a lot of edge left.
Okay, you know what? You'd have to be psychologically damaged, or maybe have a dent in your head to even think about possibly having sex with somebody under those particular circumstances.
Lou
You think?
Lou
[pause] I'm thinkin' the sooner the better.
Yeah, maybe tomorrow, just to get right back him.
Hey, guys, I'm dyin', whoo! I can barely keep my eyes open, I got hammered last night. Those Long Island Iced Teas really do a number on 'ya, you know? Brutal. [Tommy and Kenny go to walk away] Hey, you wanna know how many I had? Two... and a half. Yeah, you know, it was hardcore, you know where I woke up this morning? My couch. It's pretty goddamn embarrassing, you know? I think I might have a problem.
I have been waiting for this moment for a long, long time. [hands him a pamphlet]
It's a little thing we like to call the 20 questions. It's from Alcoholics Anonymous, it's kinda like a booze exam if you'd like to take it.
Okay. [reads questions from it] 'Is drinking making your home life unhappy?' It's mostly her drinking, so no. 'Do you drink because your shy with other people?' No. 'Is drinking affecting your reputation?' No. No. No. No. Why are you supposed to have yes' for this? Because if it's no's I'm gonna ace this thing.
Lou
One time in the not so distant future my cousin Mike and I are gonna take out drinking. And if we notice you like to drink and get drunk and drink to excess, and if you pass the Shea cousin's drinking exam, then you will be called an alcoholic.
Lou
Because we're all alcoholics, functioning yes, but blazin' alky's all the same.
[about taking the Chief's daughter on a date] What if she gets interested?
Lou
Well, then you give her the whole: 'Look, I'm a mess, you're so great, and I can't give you what you need. So, I'm gonna have to do the horrible thing and walk away and think about you for the rest of my life, especially when I masturbate.'
Yeah the famous Lou end to the relationship line.
You and Tommy are tight, right?
Lou
Well, if you mean, we're close, then yeah. In terms of actual tightness, I can only speak for myself.
So if Tommy were to find out that one of the guy's on the crew was doin' somethin' behind his back that he might not be--
Lou
Oh my God, you're sleeping with Colleen.
Lou
I'm right?
Lou
It-- It could only be worse if you were banging Katy. Tell me you're not banging Katy.
Of course not. I'm not banging either one of them.
Lou
Wait a minute, you just said you were sleeping with Colleen.
Lou
So?
See, we're sleeping together but we're not like, y'know-- [makes a motion with his hand]
Lou
So you're not-- [makes a sex noise]
No, no, no. And if we ever do, I pray it won't look or sound anything like that.
Lou
So, what's the deal? Tommy's gonna kill you anyway, for just seeing her, you might as well get a little piece before you go.
Those days for me are over.
Lou
What getting laid days?
Listen, Lou, there's somethin' that you need to know about your man, Shawn, I've tapped plenty of asses in my day, good ass, and usually pretty quick. The quicker I tap it, the quicker I'm out the door. I'm looking for a real relationship here. You know, I want the sex to have value.
Lou
Well, your life's on the line, that's valuable.
Come on, you mean to tell me that you've never had a relationship where you waited to have sex?
Lou
Not on purpose.
Well, this is on purpose. The next ass I tap, is the ass I marry.
Lou
Oh, yeah, that's sweet. I'd like to see that on a sampler. But I would leave Tommy out of it, it's gonna be really hard to tap that ass from beyond the grave.
I'm sorry, you bought a lezbo bar? What are you crazy?
Well, it was a lezbo bar a long time ago.
Well, Mike, the whole reason we're doin' this, the whole reason we're buyin' this bar is because of the pussy vibe.
No, Sean-o's right, it's because of the pussy.
Yeah, and now you stuck us with a place that possibly has the wrong pussy vibe...
Is there any pussy vibe that's wrong?
And you know what? The Realtor said that years ago this whole building was a gynecologist's office.
Okay, now, I gotta rethink the whole pussy vibe thing. Maybe it was a gynecologist's office longer than it was a lezbo bar. Which then, the good pussy vibe might counteract the bad.
Lou
I've waited my whole life for this. We're actually having a discussion about pussy Feng-Shui.
Rescue Me · 279 quotes
