For your information Chris was just here. He told me everything.
That's right, I mean we're such good friends, I mean when were you gonna tell me about it?
Alright, well, now I'm confused too. Why didn't you just talk to me, maybe I'd have gone the same way.
Yeah, bro. I like to keep it fresh. I like to try new things. Try new positions, switch hit. How could you go behind our backs and do this?
Sean you gotta know the truth. It-- it was just Chris.
Oh, don't pin this on him.
But it was him. He gave me like a half a dozen blow jobs, and it was always him goin' down on me. I never kissed him or slept with him, it was just the blow jobs I swear.
[Sean looks shocked and backs away]
Okay, what're we talkin' about here?
All Chris told me was about this transfer order-- Holy shit!
Sean, please just don't tell anybody.
[Lou walks in]
LouOh, hell I knew that.
Lou
Who's Chris?
Chris is his lover man-- guy.
I can explain, Lou. Just please don't let anybody else know.
[Franco walks in]
Lou
Mike's gay.
Yeah tell me something I don't know. [looks up from his book] Oh, you mean gay, gay.
Every morning I'd pass by the construction guys out there on my way to work and there was this one guy-- Chris and I noticed him a couple of times. And one day, when I was passin' by, he sorta like smiled at me.
Okay, I think I'm gonna puke.
Well, it freaked me out too. Every morning he'd gimme this like smile. And one day when I stepped out and he wasn't there--
Lou
Did you check the end of your cock? [everyone laughs]
Lou, let him talk. Go ahead, kid.
And he was gone and I sorta liked missed him.
Alright, my balls just went up behind my lungs.
I don't know how to describe the way I was feeling. Y'know, he was a nice guy... and-- and, we started talkin' and I guess I was like lonely or something and I moved into his place and it was great at first... then it got weird.
And then it got weird, because I was wonderin' when that was gonna kick in.
And he was into me that way, and that's when the blow jobs started... and it freaked me out at first. Yeah, and I knew it wasn't right for me--- he's gone, I'm not with him. I-I-I left, it's over, and that's the whole story.
Bullshit, Mikey. What about the transfer?
I filled the form out but I never turned it in, did I?
Oh, cut the shit, Mike, you already got your new house all picked out.
Because he's playin' for their softball team.
Yeah, your boyfriend Chris, he told me that you were battin' for the other team. edit »
I don't want him showerin' with us that's for sure. It's nothing personal, Mike. I just don't need you starin' at my hang down like it's an a la carte special at the Chez Homo.
Yeah, and I don't wanna know about your new boyfriends, or your new clothes, or nights out at the disco, or Liza Minnelli, or ass toys. It's off limits from now on.
I'm not gay. I didn't do anything sexual to him. I'm totally into chicks, and I'm seein' this girl over the past coupla weeks--
Y'know, if this is how it's gonna be, if I can't make a little mistake in my personal life then maybe I should transfer.
Hey, hey, kid come here. Guys, better or worse, I think we all consider ourselves a family here, correct? Now whether, Mike's a fag. Sorry, Mike. Or not he's, he's part of that family, correct? I think y'know, as a firefighter he's been startin' to pull his own weight. Y'know and maybe he acts a little faggy from time to time. Sorry, Mike. But y'know, in the shit he's been learnin', he's been performin', y'know Johnny Stack would not be alive today if it wasn't for Mikey. Now, as far as it goes in the house, I trust the kid, y'know, I feel like if I'm stuck somewhere on the job, I feel like he's got me, y'know, he's got me-- covered. Come here kid. [they hug] I got no problem with this.
Lou
[whispers] Ten bucks says Mikey's hard.
Lou
Like Rain Man retarded or Paris Hilton retarded?
Well, he can function, like Paris, he can go to the bathroom on his own which I assume Paris can do. He's pretty good with numbers, I'm not sayin' that the guy can count toothpicks off of the floor or anything and you know, he eats things.
Lou
Hey, hey now there's nothing retarded about that.
No, I'm not talkin' bout food things, Lou. I'm talking about actual things shit that's layin' around the room. Checkers, paper clips, erasers, pen caps, the guys small intestine must have a silver lining.
Lou
Well, you know how they talk about retards having like what's it called retard strength?
What're you lookin' at me for?
Lou
Well, maybe that's what Richard the retard has except all of his power is concentrated in his digestive track.
The thing is that I really wanna make a good impression with Nat, so I figured I take the guy to a ballgame.
Yeah, hey that's a good idea. A nice chance to bond.
Lou
Yeah, that should work out real nice, you know, assuming he doesn't eat the tickets before you get to the gate.
Tell me that she is not a nun. Tell me that, she was wearing a nun costume like her French maid costume was at the dry cleaners or somethin', right?
Lou
[sighs] Okay. Your confusion is expected as was this conversation. What the mind sees is sometimes not which is real but the reality that is brought to it.
Lou
I'm brushing up on Buddhism. The Buddhist approach to things. Ask yourself this Tommy: If a tree falls in the forest... [Lou opens up a book. Tommy takes Lou's book and throws it out the window] ...and there's no one there to see it or hear it, would you still be such an asshole? Actually, you might've done me a favor there by discarding one of my possessions. That's part of the path to enlightenment.
Okay, my foot is about to take the enlightened path up your ass. Is she a nun or is she not a nun?
Lou
She's a semi-nun.
She's a semi-nun, what does that mean? She's in the Nun National Guard, huh? What, She's the bride of Christ one weekend a month? What the hell's that mean?!
Lou
Why don't you sit down and calm yourself and I'll make us some green tea. And we will talk.
I'm not sitting with you and doing anything, okay? You have crossed a boundary my friend.
Lou
You have boundaries?
I have one boundary Lou. One boundary and one boundary only, and that is no sex with nuns in the place where I live.
Lou
She's a nun until the end of the month, okay? She's leaving the order, they know all about it. She's trying to spend a few days, every week, out of the convent trying to adjust.
Trying to adjust what, her vagina?
Lou
She's living under their roof for a couple more weeks, she has to abide by their rules...This could be really big for me Tommy.
Oh, I'm sure--sure it is. A nun, what's bigger than a nun? A saint?
Lou
You know, I've got a chance here. She's only been with two guys, one was some clown back in high school and the other was, you know, Jesus.
Yeah, Jesus, our lord and savior who died for our sins, that Jesus, right?
Lou
Yeah but word on the street is that I was created in his image, you know. There are those people that say, that I too move in mysterious ways.
Uh huh. And technically she’s still married to him so that means she’s cheating on the son of God with you!
Lou
I got 100 pounds on the guy, and look no holes in my hands. Bring it on Jesus!
Okay, you just crossed the second boundary, I--I need to lay down. [clutching his chest] What is that smell? It is either the kitchen or I think you might have actually burned a hole in my soul...oh yeah that is it, uh, oh yeah...right through the middle of the soul.
Lou
Jesus Christ, he is now officially two hours overdue. I mean, this is unheard of. Jerry is never late.
Still gettin' Tommy's voice mail. Called him at home, the machine is full.
Lou
He was in the shower when I left this morning.
Maybe he like slipped and knocked himself out.
Lou
You know, the way that his life's been goin' that would be an improvement.
What do you wanna do, Lou?
Lou
What do I wanna do? What does Lou wanna do? Lou wants to sit here with a box of doughnuts and watch Frankenstein. That's what Lou wants to do. Although, that combination usually leads to a jerk off session so Lou will just stand here and worry.
Lou
You know, how would you rather go out? Lying there burnt up like Stack in some hospital bed. They come in and take you, bit by bit. Like you're a goddamn Mr. Potato Head. Or like Jerry? Bangin' away, free as a bird, his cock as hard as a shovel, huh? Mr. Potato Head style or cock like a shovel? Well?
I'm thinking. [pauses] Shovel cock.
Lou
Huh?
Lou
That's my boy.
FDFuneral Director
This one is considered the Mercedes-Benz of caskets.
Lou
And how much?
FDFuneral Director
Fifteen thousand.
Lou
And the cemetery fees, the cost of embalming, and the wake and all of that...
FDFuneral Director
I'd have to sit down in front of the computer.
Lou
Ballpark.
FDFuneral Director
About forty thousand dollars.
Lou
Jesus, it'd be cheaper to buy a used Mercedes and put him in the trunk and drive him off of a goddamn bridge. Tommy, what do you think?
Lou
H.Q. I told them that we don't have a Chief, and they said that they sent somebody.
It must've been Izzy, right?
Lou
No, it's not Izzy, he's got his own crew to deal with. Same with Needles. They tell me this guy... (looks at his paper) Tell me, how do you pronounce this? P-E-C-H-E-R.
You've gotta be kiddin' me. It's gold.
Lou
It's 'pecker', right?
This is like shootin' fish is a goddamn barrel. You've got so many options here.
Lou
Yeah, if he's an asshole, you've got peck-a-wood, peck-a-head.
Yeah, and if he's good lookin', Gregory Pecker.
Lou
And if he's black... you've got Black 'n Pecker.
[looking at a 9/11 Memorial] It's hard to believe it's been five years, man.
Yeah I saw a thing about this in the Times, the picture didn't do it justice.
Lou
You realize the only reason this is here, is because firefighters and regular people, wanted to honor the guys we lost. There were no politicians involved.
No. The Chief of the Department, did I tell ya, when they did the unveiling... his speech, he said "All we got was empty promises from empty suits."
Lou
You know I feel for those families over there. Waiting for a memorial for their loved ones, we already got ours.
You know, the guys from this house, they lost a lot of brothers that day... they wrote on the back of this thing, they put personal prayers, put personal notes, and remembrances, of all the brothers they lost that day... and then they sealed it up so that nobody will ever be able to read what they wrote.
Lou
That's the way it should be, it stays between brothers.
Each other is all we got, right.
Hey guys, can I ask you somethin'?
Lou
Oh, here we go.
What? What do you mean 'here we go'?
Lou
Well, everytime you say 'Hey guys, can I ask you somethin', we're either gonna end up in some ridiculous, dead end incrediably moronic conversation or you're gonna say somethin' so stupid that we're gonna spend the night unable to sleep because we're gonna end up thinking back to what you said and laughing our tired asses off. Not like it's gonna stop you. (hands out plates of food) My grandma's lemon chicken, you dumb Irish minks, so eat slow. Proceed, Sean.
Wow. Okay, you know how uh, porn has come out on DVD so it's like really cheap and available? And you go onto the internet and it's right there and kinda pop-upable in your face. ... Well, here's-- here's my question: Do you guys, do you still use the you know, the good 'ol spank bank?
Lou
Finally. A perfect fit for some fine dinner conversation.
Well, at this stage of the game my wife's got a bigger bank than I do.
Let me think though, Scarlett Johannson. Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer Garner. Uh, Barbra Hersh, this chick I went to high school with, uh... Brittney Klein, another chick I went to high school with. Karen Palonowski, whoo she was on the swim team. Janet... Uh lemme see...
Janet... Janet... Janakowski. She was uh, on the debate team, she was uh... she was so hot, she could really debate.
Lou
Shit. Gimme the knives. [grabs all the knives from the table]
What's happening? I don't understand. Shit where was I...?
I think you were talking about my wife.
No, no, god no, I was not talking about... your wife?
Yes, yes, you were. You're jerkin' off to my wife.
No. Oh my God, I don't know where you got that from, I did not say that! I would never...
Yes, yes you did. That's what you said. Yes you did. You did, you did!
Okay, I did. But let me explain. It was the picnic a few years ago, okay? You remember she showed up with the white blouse on and it was kind of see though and we had a water balloon fight, I mean come on!
Lou
I mean apologies don't mean shit to a teenage girl. You gotta take a beating if you wanna win her back.
What do you mean, like take a beating, take a beating?
Lou
Take a beating, take a beating. You're gonna have to go over there, mix it up with him, but this time, you don't hit first. You gotta get him so pissed at you that he really, really just wants to kill you, you know, so just be yourself. And then you take the beating like the little bitch that you are. Daddy's little girl kneels by your side, tears, all of a sudden, he's the shit heel, you're the victim, get a little of that sympathy goin' your way.
Eh, I don't know if I can do that, Lou.
Lou
Yeah, you can. Do it for Colleen, I'll go with you, it'll be fun.
Lou
Mikey, what the hell's the matter with you? Are you okay? Mikey?
Lou, I'm a grown man and I-I don't even know how to use a dryer. She did everything for me, you know, guys. And I never even thanked her. I mean, I thanked her, like you know, I said 'thanks, mom', but they were just words. I didn't really mean it, you know, I just said it so she'd do it again. Like make my bed, or cook me breakfast, or pick out my clothes... Lou, you make one gay joke and I swear.
Lou
Mikey, I'm not gonna make a gay joke.
What, then? [Kenny hugs him, and the Mike walks off]
I can't believe you uh, didn't make one gay joke during that whole little monologue.
Lou
Well, Jesus, Tom. The kid just lost his mother, you know? Can we not give him a little bit of time.
Alright, so, first thing tomorrow morning...
Lou
Oh, yeah. We attack him at dawn.
Alright. How many gay jokes do you think you have?
Lou
Oh, I got a dozen right in the back of my mind.
Rescue Me · 279 quotes
