Lou Shea quotes from Rescue Me

I was readin' FHM yesterday and they said that the average cock is like six inches long.

Yeah we're huge! [slaps Sean's hand]

Huge.

CChief

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Before you two ponies start swingin' your johnson's around, answer one question for me. Did you measure from the top or bottom?

Ooh. A little fly in the ointment.

CChief

Did you go from the under carriage, from the ball-sac to the tip?

[Mike and Sean exchange looks]

Yeah. Yeah, we did.

Well then you might as well have been measuring from the base of your spine because everybody gets at least an inch going the other way. You gotta go from the pubic bone to the tip.

Ah, no way, that means I'm only like 6 1/2.

Almost.

Shit.

I don't know if you're right about that, Chief.

Been there, done this, boys. I got twenty that starts the "biggest dick in the crew" contest. Who wants in?

You gonna measure yours?

I haven't seen my feet in ten years let alone my dick.

Chief, I got a question.

And I think I know what that question is Firefighter Gavin.

Really?

CChief

Girth?

Ha. Exactly.

Wait. What? Girth.

Circumference, asshole.

Lou

That's gonna be a completely different story. I'm gonna double the wager.

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Look, guys I wanted to get you together because we have a situation that's arisin...arosen. It's pretty important.

It's arisen.

Shut up. [to Lou] Is he right?

Lou

Amazingly, yes. How?

I've been bangin' this chick who plays alotta Scrabble. Hey, did you know that Q-A-T is a word?

Shut up.

I swear.

I said shut up.

Alright.

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I know you guys are talkin' about my tits and my ass. Just in case you are wondering, I'm a 34-C cup, my nipples are slightly larger than average and stand up like top-hats when aroused. My ass is tight as a snare drum but still soft to the touch. Any more questions?

Wow. [Laura puts Tommy's sandwich on the table]

Yeah. Can I get one of those? [points to the sandwich]

No. [leaves]

Did she just say top-hats?

I believe she did.

Lou

I've always been a big fan of formal wear.

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Two fags in a tree.

Lou

It's a tree-some!

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I'm tellin' ya brother. Havin' your picture in this calendar is like having a license to mint pussy.

Lou

"Mint pussy." May be one of the worst Ben & Jerry flavors of all time.

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[After they found out they were cheating on each other]

Lou

Are you gonna stop seein' him?

PPhyllis

Are you gonna stop seein' her?

Lou

Who is this guy?

PPhyllis

Who's the girl?

Lou

Do I know 'em?

PPhyllis

Do I know her?

Lou

You know what? Maybe, maybe we shouldn't be asking questions right now.

PPhyllis

Maybe not.

Lou

You know what? Lemme just say this, okay? If you told me, what you told me and I didn't have somethin' goin' on the side, I would have been so goddamn pissed you wouldn't even believe.

PPhyllis

Well, you know, I'd be pissed too.

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[A guy was impaled by a tree branch from a rooftop garden]

Lou

Maybe we should uh, go up and talk to the tree. I mean, it looks like an accident but you never know.

Well, there might be a couple of scrubs up there that saw somethin'. I say we go up, uproot the whole goddamn garden and bring it in for questioning.

Lou

You know, just 'cause it's vegetation it thinks it can get away with this shit.

Shameful.

Lou

It really is.

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[The whole crew is looking at the NYC skyline]

It's a nice view, huh?

Yeah. It'll never be the same for me.

Yeah, me either.

Even when they put up whatever it is that they're puttin' up.

It's like they're tryin' to erase what happened. You know?

It's insulting. Remember when they had those spotlights right after 9/11? I couldn't take that. I like it like this... empty. Just the way those scumbags left it. No spotlights, no new buildings, just empty.

Yeah. That's the thing about the spotlight, you know. Walk out into it and at first everybody thinks they see a good-lookin' all-American hero. But then you stay out there long enough and you know, they start to notice certain things. Maybe your nose is a little crooked, you know, maybe your teeth are too crooked. Maybe you got a little scar on your upper lip. Your hair's not right. One eye's bigger than the other. Next thing 'ya know they think they're lookin' at some kinda goddamn monster. Like they're lookin' at King Kong. Then they start throwin' shit at 'ya.

Lou

Well, I'll tell ya one thing. That morning they threw a couple a jets into a couple a buildings. And they threw at us the biggest job in the history of our profession. And what do we do? We gave up 343 of our guys to save... at least 10,000.

Yeah. And look at us now: Three years later and still waitin' for a goddamn raise. I'll tell 'ya what guys, we were on our own that morning and we're still on our own today.

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Broads.

Lou

Crazy broads.

[sees Laura] Speaking of which. [to Laura] Banker's hours, sweetheart?

Sorry, darling.

Excuse me?

From now on, you call me names, you're getting them right back.

Don't push it, dollface.

Okay. Love-lum. [walks into the house]

Love-lum?

Lou

I've used it.

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[Lou catches Tommy sitting outside the house in his truck]

I got this new girlfriend, and uh, she's really into antiques. Uh, and I remember that antiques shop up here and I went over to look at---

Lou

[interrupting] Who the hell do you think you're talking to asshole? I've helped you concoct some of the most bullshit cover stories---

[talking over Lou] This is not a concoction, okay?

Lou

---Under the worst possible pressure situations okay?

I have a new girlfriend, okay?

Lou

[mocking] Antiques, and my new girlfriend. Why don't you kiss my goddamn giant Irish pisshole? I've seen you out here in your truck 10, 20, times in the last three months. I figure you must to desperate to know what's going on so I figured I come out here and fill you in.

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Lou

[after rescuing Sully, who's dressed in female fetish clothing] All the angels and saints.

Holy shit.

Is that Sully? [Sean checks, sees that it is, and jumps up and away from him instantly]

Blessed screaming Jesus on a whole wheat goddamn cracker.

Okay, I think I'm gonna puke.

SSully

Wait, guys let me explain.

Lou

Go ahead, man. We're all ears.

SSully

[laughs] Oh, who am I kiddin', right? I like to dress up like a chick, okay? I like to wear panties and high heels and... rough sex.

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You see, that's another thing. Puerto Ricans even get shafted when it comes to racial slurs. Chinks have what, like four? We have one-- Spick. That's it. The Irish they got, mick, patty, donkey. The Italians they got guinea, wop, dago.

Yeah, and spaghetti-bender.

Ah, spaghetti-bender went out of style during Sinatra's first marriage.

Greaseball.

Yeah, greaseball. There you have it; that's four.

Yeah, and the same thing with the Jews, right? Heeb, kike, Jew boy, Benny.