Tommy Gavin quotes from Rescue Me

Tommy

[on the phone] Hey.

Lou

Hey, how's it goin'?

Tommy

She hasn't ordered any food, okay?

Lou

Oh, that's perfect. She's a cheap date. Cheaper than Sherry Feldman.

Tommy

Yeah, okay. She's also a repeater.

Lou

She farts a lot?

Tommy

I mean, every time I say somethin' she repeats it back to me, okay?

Lou

Tom, that's perfect. All you gotta say is 'I'd like to take you to my car and blow you', and she repeats it back, and you say 'yes', bingo!

Mickey

[seeing the destruction in the apartment] Holy shit. What is this?

Tommy

Janet and I got into a little bit of a thing.

Mickey

You were drinkin', or...?

Tommy

No, no. Jesus, no.

Mickey

Listen, I know your marriage is kinda goin' south but...

Tommy

No, no, no. This isn't the marriage, no, no. She-- She had... That was about the marriage. The table and the kitchen. And then, she split. And then... this fire uh.. you know, broke out in the bedroom, so you know, I tried to go in the main door and that was uh... I couldn't get in there. [motions to the hole in the wall and door] So, I tried going through here, to put it out, but as it turns out once I got through the wall, there... there was no fire.

Mickey

Time for a meetin'.

Tommy

Yeah. Lemme... Lemme just put the axe away.

Mickey

We just want you to know, that everybody is in this room because we love you. And feel like you're slippin' away. And so, you know, if you just take a moment, we've all written down some things and we'd like you to just listen with an open mind... to--

Maggie

Wait, is this like one of those intervention thingys?

Mickey

Yeah.

Maggie

I'll do it.

Tommy

You'll do it?

Maggie

Yeah. I'm tired of this shit. Waking up god knows, with god knows who, havin' done god knows what, feelin' like an atomic bomb went off inside my skull. I'm finished. Box me up and ship me to rehab.

Mickey

Okay!

Sean

I have a stack of notebooks here, I didn't even get to say my piece.

I'm with the kid, I have grievances to air.

Maggie

Oh, blow it out your ass, old man. I am not gonna give you the satisfaction.

Teddy

So, what are you people tryin' to say?

Tommy

You gotta get off the sauce, Teddy. You gotta quit drinkin'.

Teddy

This is comin' from you? Look at this place, look at your life! Does being sober make your life any easier?

Tommy

Not really, but--

Teddy

Well, there you go.

Tommy

Hey, it's a process. It's a one day at a time type of thing. You do one day at a time, then two days, then turn days into weeks, and weeks into months, and gradually, slowly, it goes from being shitty, to being good, to eventually, being uh... great, right?

Mickey

Right, great.

So, what do you say, Teddy, you gonna get some help?

Teddy

Uh, no.

Teddy doesn't wanna go to rehab, but he does wanna get better. Mick, you still gonna take him to meetings?

Mickey

Yeah, sure.

Maggie

I mean, shit, we got enough drunks in this room, to start our own meetings.

Tommy

That's not a bad idea.

Mickey

There's no reason we can't.

Tommy

No, right?

Mickey

Sure.

I'm not a drunk. [Maggie laughs]

Tommy

Yeah, okay. We could do it Monday, Wednesday...

Except I'm not a drunk!

This from a guy who drank a bottle of brandy, and drove his car into his laundromat.

Hey, that was three years ago, and it was snowing.

Tommy

Yeah, it was the weather.

As far as I'm concerned, God was your mother. The way she raised you kids, the love she showed you. The way she helped you overcome all the stuff that scared the shit outta 'ya. The height thing, the bee thing, your mother was a saint.

Tommy

What heights thing? I'm not afraid of heights. What are you talkin' about? I'm a goddamn fireman for Christ's sake, I'm up on the ladder, up in the bucket every other goddamn day.

No, not now, thanks to her. Christ, she couldn't even put you in a highchair. But she cured 'ya, she took you up on the roof, held you over the side, and tickled you with her nose, the next thing you know, you were begging her to throw you up in the air.

Tommy

What was the bee thing?

You're deathly afraid of them. You used to wear a wool hat in the summer so they wouldn't bite you on the head. I don't think you ever got over that. There's one now.

Tommy

[startles and looks around] Where?

[laughs] Gotcha.

Tommy

[on the phone] Hey, how 'ya doin'?

Mike

The knee's still really sore, but I feel better, a lot better.

Tommy

Yeah? What are you doin'?

Mike

[eating ice cream] Uh, nothin'. Ju-- Just chillin'.

Tommy

Doin' what?

Mike

Nothin'.

Tommy

You're mopin', aren't 'ya?

Mike

No, I'm not mopin'.

Tommy

You're havin' a giant mope-fest over there, aren't 'ya?

Mike

No, I- I was just readin'.

Tommy

You're reading? That guarantees me that you're mopin'. Here's what I want you to do, when they were bringin' me down off the fire escape, the other night by your place, I noticed down the block there's like a bar/cafe thing. I want you to put away the ice cream, yeah, yeah, I know you're eating ice cream, yeah. That which guarantees again, moping. I want you to put on somethin' nice, go down there and meet somebody, alright? Preferably a girl.

Sean

Hey, check it out, look what Shawn found.

Black Shawn

Antique lamp, totally untouched by the fire or smoke.

Franco

Pretty cool, huh?

Lou

Hand it over, you mugs. [they hand it to him] Alright, three things, okay? This is private property, which means it belongs to someone, which means it has memories and emotions attached to it, it could possibly be a family heirloom. Second, taking private property from the scene of the fire, damaged or not, okay? Is against department regulations.

Franco

What's the third thing, Lou?

Lou

It looks like it's a reading lamp from a bedside table, which means there's probably another one exactly like it lying around, if you could find that and bring it directly to me, I'd appreciate it. [they all turn to go look for it] Thank you.

Tommy

You know what, that's gonna go real nice with that headboard that you got out of the furniture warehouse fire last year.

Lou

It's the fun side of being a boss.

Lou

[discussing whether or not he should have sex with his cousin Mike's girlfriend as revenge for his cousin having sex with Teresa] There's only one problem: She's black.

Tommy

Are we talkin' Halle Berry black, or Jennifer Hudson black?

Lou

Aretha Franklin black.

Tommy

Holy shit.

Lou

Now, not to say I have anything against black women, I think they happen to be very, very beautiful, it's not a racial thing at all.

Tommy

No, no, no. Nobody's talkin' about nobody's skin color or anything. Lemme ask you this, can she sing?

Lou

How the hell do I know?

Tommy

Well, I'm just askin' because sometimes a talent in one area can overcome or take the edge off a lack of talent in the other area.

Lou

Did I also mention that she's fat?

Tommy

Oh, she's fat? How fat?

Lou

I mean, she'd have to be able to sing, dance, paint, and figure skate just to take the edge off, and even then there'd be a lot of edge left.

Tommy

Okay, you know what? You'd have to be psychologically damaged, or maybe have a dent in your head to even think about possibly having sex with somebody under those particular circumstances.

Lou

You think?

Tommy

Yeah, I think so.

Lou

[pause] I'm thinkin' the sooner the better.

Tommy

Yeah, maybe tomorrow, just to get right back him.

Sean

Hey, guys, I'm dyin', whoo! I can barely keep my eyes open, I got hammered last night. Those Long Island Iced Teas really do a number on 'ya, you know? Brutal. [Tommy and Kenny go to walk away] Hey, you wanna know how many I had? Two... and a half. Yeah, you know, it was hardcore, you know where I woke up this morning? My couch. It's pretty goddamn embarrassing, you know? I think I might have a problem.

Tommy

I have been waiting for this moment for a long, long time. [hands him a pamphlet]

Sean

What's that?

Tommy

It's a little thing we like to call the 20 questions. It's from Alcoholics Anonymous, it's kinda like a booze exam if you'd like to take it.

Sean

Okay. [reads questions from it] 'Is drinking making your home life unhappy?' It's mostly her drinking, so no. 'Do you drink because your shy with other people?' No. 'Is drinking affecting your reputation?' No. No. No. No. Why are you supposed to have yes' for this? Because if it's no's I'm gonna ace this thing.

Tommy

Lou.

Lou

One time in the not so distant future my cousin Mike and I are gonna take out drinking. And if we notice you like to drink and get drunk and drink to excess, and if you pass the Shea cousin's drinking exam, then you will be called an alcoholic.

Sean

Why's that?

Lou

Because we're all alcoholics, functioning yes, but blazin' alky's all the same.

Tommy

[about taking the Chief's daughter on a date] What if she gets interested?

Lou

Well, then you give her the whole: 'Look, I'm a mess, you're so great, and I can't give you what you need. So, I'm gonna have to do the horrible thing and walk away and think about you for the rest of my life, especially when I masturbate.'

Tommy

Yeah the famous Lou end to the relationship line.

Colleen

[about Wyatt] He kept me up all night last night, and I couldn't find a babysitter so I had to miss Tony's gig.

Tommy

Yeah, well, welcome to babyland. This is what it's like. You're finally learning, you're not ready, okay?

Colleen

My own kid will be completely different.

Tommy

Oh, really? How's that?

Colleen

'Cause I will actually be in love with my own baby.

Tommy

Oh, right, right. Love. I forgot, you're an expert on love.

Colleen

Like you know. Like you're an expert on that.

Tommy

I do know. I am an expert on love. I know enough to tell you this, you the two of yous, what's his name?

Colleen

Tony.

Tommy

Tony, okay? You think you're in love but one of these days, the two of 'ya, are gonna wake up and one of 'ya's, maybe both of 'ya's at the same time are gonna look at the other and say, 'you know what, I'm outta here.' You know, you're 18 years old, he's your first boyfriend.

Colleen

Okay, well, you met mom in high school and she was 16.

Tommy

Okay, you know what? We... we didn't start having sex until, you know, later.

Colleen

She was pregnant with me before she even graduated.

Tommy

Right. We fell in love, and then we had sex, that's-- that's how it happened. It was real love. It wasn't this, y'know, Fake Babyhead, lead singer, rock and roll love. What? Listen to me, I know what I'm talkin' about. I wasn't the lead singer in a band, okay? I had a real job.

Tommy

[about the Jetta] You got any keys?

Yeah. [hands him a screwdriver]

Tommy

You're kiddin' me.

Well, look on the bright side, if you lose it, there's 200 just like it at TruValue.

[about Tony, Colleen's boyfriend] You know, he can't even read music.

Tommy

Really?

Yeah. But, neither could John Lennon, by the way.

Tommy

Yeah. [to himself] Where's Mark David Chapman when you need 'em?

Tommy

[about Colleen] She kicked me in the shins, three times. Unbelievable.

Lou

Tom, quick suggestion.

Tommy

Yeah.

Lou

If you wanna take steps to really, really improve your relationship with your daughter, not to mention your soon to be ex-wife, two words: shin guards.