TommyWhat?
Mike, Franco and I, we're buyin' a bar.
Uh, correction. Mike bought the bar, and I'm watching Garrity screw it up.
It's gonna be awesome. And if you have any suggestions Tom, we're totally open.
Tommy
Uh, cool. Yeah, I got a couple. Build it on the edge of a cliff, go inside and start fixing it up and then pay somebody to come along and just push it over the side. It'll save you a lot of time and money.
Yeah, well, that's actually not gonna work 'cause we're opening it in the city.
Tommy
Alright, quick quiz. You gotta pick one, you gotta lose one. Ball or eye?
Ball, or no eye. Or... ball. I mean, if you lose an eye, you can't even see your balls, so what's the point of that?
Pause, pause. I have the floor. Ball. It immediately cuts your chances of ball cancer in half.
That's a good point. I'm gonna go ball.
Tommy
What if you pick the wrong one?
Thomas, you're just in time for another in a series of gripping exchanges and deep thought and personal wisdom.
Tommy
What are we talkin' about?
Today's topic is the most number of times they've masturbated in one day.
Yeah, I'm 7, Sean's 4. Lou?
Well, it's only 8:30, the day's young. I'd go for 4, but I'm doing food prep.
Well, yeah, but it takes a little longer now, I mean, the older you get... don't you need more time in between... you know...
Well, I mean, that's if you get technical, I was gonna say jizzes.
Tommy
We did have a kid in the old neighborhood, Bobby Morgan, claimed he jacked off 17 times in one 24 hour period.
17 times, is that even possible?
Tommy
Well, even more amazing than that, it was a school day.
Tommy
Yeah, he said the last time, it pretty much just came out air.
So his cock farted? I mean, come on, if it comes out air, it's a fart.
Tommy
[about his dad] Teddy, his was 82, okay--
What are you puttin' time limits on people now? Shut your mouth. Just because it's okay for you, doesn't mean it's goddamn okay for the rest of us.
Tommy
Who says it's okay for me?
I seen 'ya, I seen 'ya at the funeral. I'm up there cryin' my eyes out like a bitch and you're sitting there like a goddamn stone. And then all that shit you said the other night after we watched the movies? You make me sick just to look at you. You're glad he's gone, you're glad because now you don't have to look at the kind of man that you'd never be.
Tommy
[about his hearing] You know guys, I'm sure you're aware, if this doesn't go my way, which I'm sure it won't, they're gonna put me on immediate light duty and the odds are that I'm not gonna be comin' back to the firehouse. I just wanted to say--
MSMike, Sean, Franco
[at the same time] Nah, nah, Tommy. We feel that same way. It's been an honor working with you.
Tommy
Lemme just get this out of the way, and say it out loud, as firefighters, it's like a football team, y'know our pluses and minuses balanced out and we made a great team, we really did. And I felt really safe working with you guys, and you saved my ass many times and vice versa. But... you know, I felt blessed, and the other thing that I wanted to say... [they all tell him he doesn't have to] Let me just say this stuff, very quickly because it needs to be said, in case the guy that comes in and stands in my shoes doesn't put it out on the table, I'll do it for him. #1, you're a moron. [points to Sean] Don't argue with me, because you proved it in spades when you married my goddamn sister, okay? [Mike laughs] What are you laughin' about? Because if he's a moron, you're the king of the morons. Don't give me the look... Do me a favor, spell "moron".
Okay, spell what? [they laugh]
Tommy
Franco, I really, wished you weren't the guy who laughed the hardest at that because, if you took one iota of energy that you spend everyday chasin' pussy and you put into somethin' good, like I don't know, helpin' mankind, I'm pretty sure at this point we'd have stitched up the whole in the ozone layers, there'd be no more wars, and this party would be in a bar owned by you and the planet Neptune. [to Black Shawn] You, can't really say too much about you, because I don't know well enough and it wouldn't be fair to judge you. But, life's unfair, so let me get it out of the way, you probably suck, too. [points to Lou] And this, my best friend, who is not only a loser with women and a giant slob, but a goddamn lush. [Lou nods] Case closed. So what does that say about me? Good luck, guys. See 'ya later.
Tommy
[about Colleen and Shawn] But the kid's great, he doesn't smoke, he doesn't drink, I got nothin' bad to say about the kid. Is he my first choice to date Colleen? No.
Yeah, and I think you're real lucky too about the deciding to not have sex thing.
Tommy
Yeah. ... What?
What you didn't know that?
Tommy
What? They're not havin' sex? Why would they not be havin' sex?
Tommy
Why are they not havin' sex?
I don't know. [looks away]
Tommy
Lou.
No reason. [Tommy makes a face at him] They're waiting.
Tommy
Waiting for what?
Why don't we get this chair outta here?
Tommy
Lou.
Until they get married... [Tommy bites down on his glove as Black Shawn passes by]
Tommy
Oh, that sneaky little black son of a bitch!
Tommy
[about Colleen and Shawn waiting to have sex] She's not gettin' married, I'm tellin' you that. How did we go wrong? We purposefully raised her the wrong way, as a lapsed Catholic so now she enjoying herself on birth control, bangin' her brains out, but now she wants to reclaim her virginity and wait to have sex 'til she gets married. My daughter turned Amish on me, how's that possible? She's not gettin' married, she's not gonna end up like her mom, I'm tellin' 'ya.
Wh- What do you mean? Gorgeous, 40, and angry? She's Irish, she's gonna end up angry no matter what.
Tommy
She's not gettin' married, I'm tellin' 'ya. Too young!
Tommy, you keep that act up, she's gonna get married even sooner.
Tommy
I'm gonna tell 'ya what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna talk to her, have a conversation with her, and she's gonna end up having sex with him, okay? She's gonna have lots of sex with him, she's gonna have so much sex, that it's gonna turn into what sex is supposed to be: Boring, monotonous chore, just like it is for everyone else who's in a long-term relationship, and then he's gonna get bored, and then he's gonna leave, and then we're all set, and the marriage is off.
Right. So lemme get this start, you're gonna have a conversation with your teenage daughter, telling her to have sex with her boyfriend?
Tommy
Yes, I am.
Can I sit in on that conversation? Because it's gonna be so creepy, it's gonna reset the high end of my creep-meter for the rest of my life.
What did you wanna talk to me about?
Tommy
Uh, I just wanted to say that, your mother and I... we're very proud of you, and we think Shawn's great.
Tommy
Yes, and the being black thing, doesn't bother us at all. I mean, I think we've raised you kids with that color, creed, religion, you know... none of that stuff, you know, doesn't matter to us. And... you know, love, it's a big thing... it's... you know, it-- it, it just happens. And I think it's kinda important to... you know... What?
Tommy
There's no problem, honey, I just wanna... okay... If you were gonna buy a car, you'd test drive it, that's what I'm tryin' to say.
Tommy
No, no, listen. If you were gonna test drive a car, you'd take it out and you'd drive it around, and you'd maybe take it on the highway...
[walks up]: Hey, Col, how are 'ya? You're gonna buy a car so I hear? Y'know my friend, Mark, is gettin' rid of this old--
Tommy
Y'know, she's all set, she's got a car. That's nice though. Thanks. [Sean walks off, Tommy continues his thought before Sean interrupted] Listen, I just think you know, it's important that the parts... fit.
Tommy
You know the parts, and don't make me say the parts, you--
[overhearing]: You guys aren't talkin' about cars, are you? [Tommy makes a face, and Sean walks off]
Are you actually tellin' me to have sex with Shawn?
Tommy
No... kinda... yeah. I'm just sayin' that I don't think it's such a bad idea for you to do it, okay? You don't have to do the whole thing... just y'know, do the Clinton thing, you don't have to go all the way--
Tommy
Honey, what? I thought that would be easier.
Dad! Dad, are you tellin' me to-- Oh, my God.
Tommy
I'm not tellin' you anything, what? What? It's a suggestion, I'm suggesting some stuff to help you with your--
Hey, Tommy? Did you tell Colleen to go down on me?
Tommy
What?
She said you said somethin' about Bill Clinton. ... I just find that shit, very, very disturbing.
Tommy
I didn't say anything like that.
Now, here I am a good brother, tryin' to keep it real, and here you are tellin' her to go down on me, and service me in an oral fashion.
Tommy
Wh-what? Wh--What? See? This is the reason you can't tell anybody anything any more, it gets blow out of proportion!
I'm gonna stay strong, and focused, and give her that good lovin' on our weddin' night!
Tommy
Wh-- Al-alright, but you wouldn't buy a car without test driving it!
Sean: I’m so full of shit now, really
Finally, a moment of self-awareness
No, seriously, I haven’t taken a shit in like five days. I’m really getting backed up. I feel like I have a shit turduckin sitting in my colon.
MMikey
What’s a turduckin dude? I mean I get the turd part, but -
Fancy poultry thing. It’s a chicken jammed inside a duck jammed inside a turkey.
Yeah, except in my case it’s a shit jammed inside a bigger shit jammed inside a really big shit.
Tommy
Okay, never thought I’d say this, but can we go back to the twins?
Alright, here’s my theory: I think there’s some guy with this super twin producing sperm, running around Hollywood impregnating all these broads.
Tommy
Here’s one way to find him, look for a guy with four balls.
MMikey
Four balls, how do you think he deals with the chaffing issues?
Well, I have another theory and that theory involves fact that I think this guy put some of the celebrity baby money into design and construction of the special ball harness.
Tommy
Like a ball hammock.
Tommy
And with that gentlemen, I bid you adieu.
Rescue Me · 279 quotes
