[First lines of the series]
RigbyAlright, Beef Burrito. I'm gonna give you one more chance to take back what you said about my mom! [A Beef Burrito doll lies silently on the floor] I'LL KILL YOU!!!
[He pats his elbow and jumps onto a trampoline, body-slamming the doll. He then elbows the doll multiple times, and body slams it once more. He picks up the doll and moves its arm, making it punch himself in the face. Behind him, Mordecai is calling to him]
[Pretending to be weakened, Rigby walks over to Mordecai and high-fives him. As Rigby drinks a soda, Mordecai pulls the Beef Burrito doll away. Rigby slams the soda can onto the ground and lets out a ferocious cry. Mordecai sets the doll up next to a bed before walking away onto the shelves]
Rigby
What?! [silence] Oh, you want us to put the hurt on you? [Mordecai grabs Rigby] I think he wants me to put the hurt on him!
I think he wants you to put the hurt on him!
Rigby
You think he wants me to put the hurt on him?!
[Mordecai & Rigby scream. Mordecai throws Rigby down onto the trampoline, launching him into the wall. The impact leaves a large hole in the wall and Rigby ends up in a trash can]
Rigby
Uhhh..... [Stands up] Uuuuhhhhyyyy.... [Removes trash can] Yea-uh!! Did you see how awesome it was when I hit the trampoline?
Hahahaha! Yeah, I did! But it wasn't as awesome as when you punched that hole in the wall!
[They both begin laughing]
I can't believe I listened to you! I knew we should've gone out to do some work, but no — let's wrestle this stupid doll, it'll be fun.
Rigby
But it was fun.
Well, yeah, but... now there's a big hole in the wall! Dude, we're 23 years old! We shouldn't be bustin' holes in walls! We're gonna get FIRED for this!
Rigby
You mean you're gonna get fired for this.
Rigby
You're the one who threw me too hard, ya hole!
Don't call me a hole! You're the hole! You're the one who wanted to wrestle!
Rigby
Okay, okay! Let's not blame anyone. Now, how in the "h" are we gonna fix this "s"?
I dunno, man. Ugh, we can't fix it and we definitely can't pay for it, cos we don't have any money. Unless you had some money.
Rigby
No. Besides, I don't even know how much it cost to fix a hole like this. Probably a ton.
Exactly. Which leaves us with only one possible solution. We convince Benson to give us raises so we can afford to pay someone else to fix it.
Rigby
Dude. [beat] ..You are a genius! Of course, raises!
Rigby
Let me stop you there because I already know what you're going to say — hamboning.
Rigby
Yeah, dude! Hamboning! We just go up to Benson and we'll be all like, "We both want raises." [starts hamboning, but Mordecai pushes him away]
No, man, stop it. We just need to ask him for a raise and just explain all the—
Rigby
No, no, no! That's not gonna work! What're ya, 65?! "Excuse me, sir, can I have a raise?" 'C'mon'! I'm tellin' ya, dude! Hamboning~!
Rigby
Hamboning will save your life someday! You'll be all like, "What? You tryin' to mug me?" [starts hamboning again and mordecai shoves him away]
No!! We're not doing that! Ok? OK?
Rigby
Fine... (Gasp) I know what to do!
[Rigby goes through pieces of clothing to find a keyboard]
Rigby
Hehe, are you for raises? Bop-weep-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-booooooo!
Woah! How did you get that?
Rigby
I have my methods.
[Flashback: The wizard runs and puts his keyboard on the park bench and goes behind the bushes to take a whiz while Rigby takes the keyboard without the wizard looking]
[End of Flashback. Rigby chuckles, remembering]
I don't know man, how is that gonna give us raises?
Rigby
Dude, c'mon man, look. Just come and check it out.
[Rigby presses a few keys and music plays]
Rigby
Uhh...
Did you just send Skips to the moon?!
Rigby
Isn't that what you said?
No, room! I sent him to his room, not the moon you idiot! Dude, wish him back.
Rigby
But, it doesn't work that way.
Rigby
I can't see him, can't I?!
Then we have to go get him.
Rigby
But he's gonna be pissed!
Better than him being dead!
Rigby
Don't get mad at me guys, but I kind of sent a bunch of stuff to the moon while you guys were in the house.
(Flashback)
Rigby
A bunch of baby ducks, send 'em to the moon. Soda machine that doesn't work, send it to the moon.
(End of flashback)
You drillbit! What else did you send?!
(monster growling)
Look there's Skips! There he is!
Oh great, it had to be a monster.
Rigby
Ha-ha-ha! We did it! Yeah! Hey, that's mine!
Nope. You sent him to the moon, so the least you can do is give him your keyboard. Right, Skips?
Right. (Smashes the piano.)
MRMordecai and Rigby
Aww!
Rigby
What?
(Turning red) THE $40 YOU TWO CONNED OUT OF ME WITH THAT STUPID KEYBOARD CRAP! I know you still got it. Now give it back. (Rigby sighs then they give Benson the $20) NOW CLEAN UP THIS MESS OR YOU'RE FIRED! Ugh, can you believe this?
Dude, how came we're always stuck with the lame jobs? Settin' up the chairs??
Rigby
LAAAAA~ME!!!
I can't trust you guys with something actually important. You're always slacking off!
Rigby
Did he!? Did you!?
He's callin' us slackers. Look dude, we can totally set up all those chairs without slacking off.
Rigby
Yeah. And then next time you'll get someone ELSE.. to set up the chairs?
[Benson looks at Mordecai, who shrugs]
MRMordecai & Rigby
OOOOHHHHH!!!! Not settin' up the chairs next time! Not settin' up the chairs next time! UUHH!
...Just set up the chairs...
Woah! Hey Benson. Before you freak out, we totally set up those chairs.
[pan left to see cheering kids, Muscle Man and Hi Five Ghost seated in a moat of fire]
WOOO!!! This birthday party's hot!
Rigby
So we're cool, right?
YOU IDIOTS!! That's the last time I entrust you with something important, LIKE THE CHAIRS!!!
[beat.]
MRMordecai & Rigby
OOOOHHHHH!!!! Not settin' up the chairs next time! Not settin' up the chairs next time!
But you ARE going to clean up this mess, and you can start by sweeping up the special entertainment.
Rigby
We got it.
Rigby
...We're gonna take a break first, right?
TTranslator
Uh, Mordecai and Rigby. Uh, funny seeing you here...
A chainsaw, are you serious?! I mean, WHAT'S UP WITH THE CHAINSAW?!
GCGiant Coffee Bean
Coffee! Coffee coffee!
TTranslator
Why didn't you buy us tickets?
What are you talking about? We never said we'd buy you tickets!
TTranslator
But we had a contract!
Rigby
SHUT IT!!! (Snatches the tickets)
You know, at first I thought you were cool, but now I know that you're both total losers.
Rigby
Everybody hates you!
Oh, and I just realized something...
MRMordecai and Rigby
OOOOHHHHHHH!!!!
Aw, man. Dude, let's play it
Rigby
Whoa whoa whoa! You can't play a game like this out of the box. We gotta stretch it out first. We don't wanna pull our hammies, you know what I'm saying? (BEEP!) Hey! What are you doing?
Starting. Hurry up and pick your character. (chuckles)
Rigby
Aw, what?! I wanted to be player 1!
Dude, I'M player 1. YOU'RE player 2.
Rigby
I don't wanna be player 2! He just digs with the sucky pickaxe. I want the one with the shovel.
Dude, they're exactly the same!
Rigby
Then why don't YOU be player 2?
[scoffs] I'm not usin' that sucky pickaxe.
Rigby
(Gasp) SEE?!
Dude, calm down. Let's play punchies to see who gets to be player 1.
Rigby
Fine! (Punches Mordicai)
(Mordecai punches back at Rigby causing him to fly across the couch)
Rigby
NO! It's not fair you always get your way! (angrily mocks Mordecai) "Let's play punchies, let's punchies!" I'm sick of it! Of course I'm not gonna beat you at punchies!
Dude, you don't beat anybody at punchies.
Rigby
Yes I do!
(Flashback of Rigby losing at a game of punchies)
(End of flashback)
We-oo! We-oo! We-oo! [imitating a doctor] Quick, doctor. Both of these buttcheeks are unrecognizable! If we want anybody to recognize this as a butt in the future, then we're gonna have to do a complete butt transplant, STAT!
Rigby
STOP TALKING!!! There was only damage to the one cheek and you know it!
[laughs] That's right. We used to call you "The One-Cheek Wonder!" Dude, I'm bringing it back.
Rigby
You better not.
Is that One-Cheek Wonder? I hope he's not trying to play punchies with cheeks like that!
(shows Rigby's buttchecks)
MMMordecai & Muscle Man
(Laughs)
Rigby
(Covers his buttchecks with his tail) SHUT UP!! Don't look at them! (Runs upstairs) I'll win at punchies, you'll see! (Slams the door then messes up Mordecai's side of the room) Dumb Mordecai!! I hate you!!
(Offscreen) You better not be messing up my side of the room!
Rigby
(Yells and picks up a phone book) YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE!!!! (Throws phone book but the book bounces back at Rigby's face) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
(Mordecai is annoyed by Rigby's screaming. He then grabs a set of headphones and continues playing)
Rigby
(Moaning) Stupid bo- (Pause) -ok? Death Kwon Do? (reads the page) "Learn kicks, chops, and punches in moments!" "Unlock your full potential today"? Yeeeeesss!
(Cuts to the Death Kwon Do Dojo)
It's a touching story, really it is, but I don't know if you're ready for Death Kwon Do.
Rigby
Why not?
Death Kwon Do is all about self defense. But from the sound of it, you just want to hit harder!
Rigby
Uh, no? Can you just teach me something?
Hmm... Determination. I like that. OK, I'll teach you some beginner defensive moves. All you gotta do is pick from the sacred text of Death Kwon Do. (Holds up a note book) Let's see, we can start you off with the Bicep Flex of Death. Or there's the Leg Lifts of Death. That's a good beginners move, or the Pelvic Trust of Death. That's one of my personal favorites.
Rigby
That one. That's the one I want, the Death Punch.
(Shows the Death Punch of Death technique)
That, I'm afraid is not for beginners.
Rigby
What? Why?
Because you only wanna use it to beat up your friends. You're not pure of heart!
Rigby
What!? Don't call me not pure of heart! What about you with your crappy mullet?! YOU'RE the one who's not pure of heart!!
THAT'S IT!!! I'm turning my back on you and counting to 3 of death. And when I turn back around, YOU'RE TOAST!! 1... of death. 2... of death.
(RRRIIIIPPPP!)'
Rigby
Whoa... Time to take this baby for a test drive. (screams and lands outside)
(Rigby looks around, and sees Muscle Man rolling a wheelbarrow with Hi Five Ghost behind him.)
Rigby
(screams and runs up to them, and throws out his punch beam at them. It hits Muscle Man and Hi Five so hard it sends them flying)
(hits walls, cracking it) Oh no, bro!
(Screen shows Pops flying a kite)
(Rigby runs up and throws a punch beam at Pops, sending him flying into the sun)
WOOOAAAAAOOOOAOAAAOOOAH! (flies toward the sun)
(Skips is fixing a lawnmover. Rigby comes up and punches Skips. Skips breaks through the shed and skids the grass, knocking over a trash can, a tree, a lamp post, a bench, and another lamp post.)
Why yes, sir. I have the Death Jump & the Death Dump right he- (Sees that the Death Jump & the Death Dump techniques were taken away) NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
(Cuts to the ruined park)
VGVideo Game
D-d-d-d-d Dig Champs!
Rigby
Aw yes! It's finally happening!
Yep, for once being a huge baby actually worked out for you.
Rigby
STOP TALKING!!!
(Chuckles) Dude, just hurry up and play. You're just gonna die right at the beginning anyway.
Rigby
(Mimics Mordecai) Hmph! I'll show you.
(Rigby plays the game, but dies by touching a snail)
Rigby
Aw what!? Snails are bad? I thought snails were good!
Rigby
Aw man! This sucks. I wanna be player 2.
Rigby
There's that chocolate cake at the snack bar!
Yeah...but Benson will only let you have it for free if it's your birthday.
Rigby
Who's to say it's not my birthday?
...Who's to say it's not my birthday?
MRMordecai and Rigby
FREE CAKE! FREE CAKE!!
It's neither of your birthdays.
Rigby
Aw, man! He's killing us with that.
MRMordecai and Rigby
No cake....no cake....
{appears from inside the bushes} But it is Skips' birthday!
MRMordecai and Rigby
FREE CAKE! FREE CAKE!!
But he's really private about it.
MRMordecai and Rigby
No cake....no cake....
Come to think of it, I don't think we've ever had a party for Skips.
Regular Show · 562 quotes
