Red vs Blue · Season 2
[Grif learns most of his body parts have been replaced by leftovers]
[to Sarge] Where did you get the leftovers?
Why, from our other subject, of course!
Subject my cyborg ass.
NO WAY.
Yeah, I'm real happy about this myself, numb-nuts.
Yeap, those too
Did I get your lips? Because then maybe I'll figure out how to kiss Sarge's ass.
[Doc is trying to explain what he's found to Vic]
It's like a thing.
It's like a thing. Okay, dude! Thank you for the update! I'll be sure to alert the Chiefs of Staff!
I'm just a little dazed. It's a big thing. It- it's purple, it's uh, it's a big purple thing.
Use your words, dude.
This doesn't seem physically possible!
Nonsense. Modern-day technology makes anything possible! It was as easy as Shake-'N-Bake!
And I helped!
...actually Donut, I don't really know if snickering in the corner all night like a prepubescent monkey actually qualifies as help...but it sure was entertaining.
Man Caboose, you were asleep for a long time. What were you dreaming about?
Ohhhh nothing. I do not like to dream. I try not to think while I am sleeping.
That's pretty much how you function while you're awake too.
I think consistency is important.
[In ghost form] Well you look okay, then again that's just the armor. How do you feel?
Great! [Short pause] Who are you?
Oh come on, not this again! How can you seriously not remember me?!
Oh of course! I remember you. [Shorter pause] You're Marvin!
[Slowly] I'm Church.
I think I would remember a name That ridiculous. Nope. You are definitely Phill.
You killed me with the tank.
Dave!
You insulted my girlfriend, you called her a cow.
Terrence!
Dude, he called her a slut.
Phineas?
You're whole life is based around pleasing me.
Wally.
In fact, I think you're kind of obsessed w-
Milo?
-ith being my best friend.
[To Tucker] Psst! The new guy is pretty full of himself.
New guy? What the? I'm not the new guy! You're the new guy!
I don't know, I kinda like it. I can get used to calling you rookie.
Oh yeah? Could you get used to me beating you to death?
[To Tucker again] Psst! What's wrong with the rookie? He seems mad.
Oh son of a bitch.
Hooven?
Donut, there's no way you can jump that high.
Yes I can. (jumps) (while jumping a second time) Yes I can.
What the hell is he doing?
Losing a bet.
[explosion noise]
OW! Who left the spleen ball where someone could trip on it? Simmons! I need your ovaries!
Grif whats wrong? Are my lungs ok? Wait a second, are you smoking inside of your helment again?
What? No. (Exhales smoke)Oops.
I knew this would happen. And how many snack cakes have you had today?
None.
: ...
Okay five. ...or more. Baker's dozen at most.
Do you even know how many there are in a baker's dozen?
By my count? Forty eight.
[O'Malley and Doc are conversing in the cave, à la Gollum/Sméagol]
You know, I really think we should try a non-violent approach to resolve this.
I agree, except replace the word "non" with "extremely", and after the word "violent", include the phrase "blood explosion extraordinaire"!
I will rip out their guts and feast on their entrails!
But I'm a vegetarian!
I will devour their hearts and crap out their souls! They will all taste oblivion! Which tastes just like Red Bull... which is disgusting.
Look, instead of just running straight in to enemy gunfire like we usually do, why don't we try some reconnaissance this time?
You mean like spy stuff? That would be cool! I could wear, a spy tuxedo...
No.
With a hidden spy camera...
No.
Inside a tiny spy bowtie...
No.
Or, I could wear a flower on my lapel...
Said no.
That sprays water in people's faces, oh man...
Shut up Donut.
No- secret spy liquid, hahaha. That would be awesome!
No!
Maybe! ...Uh, I mean... noooooo.
Oh come on, I could be double-O Donut!
You mean like Doonut?
The license to thrill! Or be thrilled!
Alright, since you're both so in to the idea, Grif, Donut, you're on recon. Find us a way to break in to their base, and report back on the double.
Great, more time alone with the idiot.
Grif, Grif Grif Grif Grif Grif Grif. Let's pretend, we're wearing super-spy jetpacks!
(sighing) Huhhhhhhg...
No, no no no, like this- (jetpack whooshing noise) Phschewschhhhhhhhhhhwewwwww...
Hey, can you not stop that for two seconds?
Come on agent- (clears throat, resumes in a deeper voice) Come on, Agent Grif. We've got to hurry if we want to save the Princess from the evil goblin.
What Princess? I thought you were pretending to be in a spy movie?
Look, my secret spy character gets to marry a beautiful Princess in a castle, alright? Deal with it!
Donut, can you just go find some higher ground or something?
But we're on higher ground now.
Why don't you use your jetpack to go to the highest ground?
Good idea! I bet the blues won't think of that!
No, if they were that stupid, we probably would have won by now.
Secret Agent Donut, to the rescue! Phschewshhhhhhhhhhh... (heads off)
I could just shoot him. No one would ever have to know. No one.
Okay, listen closely. Our biggest secrets is Wahigattatawagatagata.
Caboose, it's me Church. I've possessed this guy so we can... whew, hey, this pink armor is kinda' comfortable. Roomie. Sweet. What were you two guys talking about?
Oh... nothing.
.... Wanna braid each others hair?
[Reds negotiate with the Blues with Church possessing Donut, posing as a prisoner]:
What's this business? The Blues are giving up? I smell a trap. Or rat. Or rat in a trap. Don't accept, Simmons.
You can't surrender, Blues! We haven't attacked you! Now go home and wait for us to attack and then you can surrender!
Wait. If we accept, that means we will have two surrenders and they will have none. That means we WIN!
Win what?
Uh, I don't know. The war... or something, right?
You're an idiot.
[shouting to Reds from a distance] In exchange for not killing us, they, them, we, they would like to (Tucker turns to him and stares at him) release the robot guy and me. [pause] The pink guy.
Are you becoming retarded?
What should we do, sir?
I'm torn, between my intense distrust of the blue team, and the need for plans stored in my favourite robotic creation. No offense, Simmons.
None taken, sir. You removed the negative emotional center of my brain, and implanted it in Grif.
[crying] I CAN'T, I JUST CAN'T TAKE THIS, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!
I don't think they're going for it.
Oh, MOTHERFUCKER!!
OKAY, NOW YOU'RE UNDER ATTACK! GO AND SURRENDER, BITCH!
Nice thinking, Simmons.
[crying] The humanity!
ALRIGHT, THEY SURRENDER!
Fuck that. I'm pissed. Let's fight!
[Caboose and Donut in Blue base]
I think this is what they call the calm before the storm?
I call it nap time. Which is right before food time. And then comes food-nap time! That is my favorite time of them all!
Private Doughnut... That sounds like Private Biscuit!
Yeah, it kinda' does...
Thhhaaattt's far enough, Lieutenant McMuffin.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Red vs Blue pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
