[Zooms over to blue base where Church and Tucker are chatting]
Hey Church, if your body is the red team's old droid, and droids usually fix stuff, can't you just activate your repair sequence and fix Sheila?
Huh... well, yeah, it's worth a shot, I guess. *Ahem* All right, stand back. [Church starts grunting for six seconds]
Yeah, it's not as easy as you'd think it'd be.
Maybe there's a button on you somewhere.
See what you can find. I'll keep trying from in here. [Begins grunting again] Oh, hey.
Nah, no, wait. All I found was the time and temperature function. It is currently 26 degrees, by the way.
What? It's not 26 degrees out here, that's freezing.
Come on dude, Celsius sucks. [Tucker bends down to only find a switch in Church's crotch] Hey, I found something.
Oh yeah, you found a button?
No dude, it's more like a...switch.
Well, give it a flip. [Tucker stand up to face Church]
Oh, you gotta be kidding me!
These arms aren't that flexible. I can't even reach down there.
Aw man, he's so stupid. I don't even know if he knows how to operate a switch.
Tucker, come on! We'll laugh about it later. I'll buy you dinner. [Tucker bends down to flip the switch but comes back up, unsuccessful]
It won't move. Its stuck.
No way, I'm not wiggling your dongle.
Oh stop being a baby. Just wiggle it. [Tucker bend down to wiggle the switch as five seconds flow by in silence]
Ssssoooo, you from around here baby? [Tucker shoots back up]
Okay look, if you want me to do this, you can't talk.
Alright, alright, I'm sorry. I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding.
I wish Tex was here. She wouldn't have any problem flipping it.
You obviously did not know Tex that well.
There, got it. Feel any different?
No, what?! Hey that's odd. Can you hear something beeping?
Is it like a screaming, high-pitched whistling noise followed by a series of random clicks?
No, it's just like this constant beep, beep, beep noise.
Oh... then no, I don't hear anything.
Whoa wait, do you actually HEAR a series of whistling noises followed by some random clicks?
No, I'm just trying to be helpful.
Yeah, well, you're failing.
Oh, I hear that voice telling us to kill all of our friends before they have a chance to kill us. (Church and Tucker stare at Caboose)
What? You guys don't hear that?
[The Blues activate the tagetting system on the jeep]
JJeep
Aqquire Target..Red.
Uh Sarge... you may want to start running... now.
[The rest of the team except Sarge starts running backwards towards the base]
[Sarge is pinned to the base wall by the jeep as the jeep's machine gun begins firing closer and closer to his head.]
What a way to go. Killed by my own mechanical creations. I'm sure there's a philosophical lesson to be learned from all this.
Something about the dangers of technology and the unwavering pride of mankind?
No, something about hiring better help that doesn't just stand around watching you die!
[Caboose sees Reds approaching behind Tucker and Church]
Uh… Church? I think that you should know that the Reds are—
Church [interrupting]: Dammit, Caboose! In the short time I've known you, you've managed to call my girlfriend a slut, blow me up with a tank, shoot me in the head, and now paralyze me from the waist down! So I hope it's not too much for me to ask, just for once, if you'd shut your fuckin' mouth!
Hey Blues, we're here to — what the hell are you guys doing?
[As Doc approaches the Blue base, apparently part of a Red plan]
[looking through the sniper scope] Oh, Church, Church. Okay, I-I see something. [through the scope, we see Grif and Simmons leaving Doc to look around in confusion] Okay, the two red ones are walking away, uh but the purple one is... [Scary voice] I think he's going to attack.
Purple? Oh wait, the purple guy is that worthless medic.
He's not gonna attack, he's a pussy-fest.
Ah, whatever, let's tie him up and roll him through the teleporter.
Wait a second, wait a second, think about this for a minute. Why would the reds leave him out there by himself? This has to be some kinda trick.
I'll bet they've used some kind of... brainwashing technique on him! They're-they're probably planning to have him do all their dirty plans! And also the schemes!
Caboose, that is ridiculous.
{stares at Tucker through the scope] Is it? Or is it so ridiculous, it's the most ridiculously perfect idea that you never thought of?
No, just the regular kind of ridiculous.
[Tucker has punched Church to ensure that he was not dreaming]
Tucker, when you think you're dreaming, you don't punch somebody else. You get somebody else to pinch you.
Dude, it doesn't matter what kind of dream I'm having, I am not going to ask you to pinch me.
Church [after Tucker throws a grenade through the teleporter]: Cough, cough, what the he-cough? Who tried to blow me up with a grenade? And why am I coughing? I don't have lungs.
Hey Sarge, hold on a sec. Did you see something weird, Sarge?
Yes I did. Once when I was a small child, I saw a man who claimed to be my uncle do this thing with a garden hose that still haunts me to this—
Whoa, whoa. I mean did you see something weird just now? Like 5 seconds ago.
What was all that stuff about your uncle?
I keep telling everyone he wasn't my uncle! He wasn't!
[talking to Lopez] Alright, that's the deal Mr. Robot. You fix our tank, we let you go free.
I thought the plan was to trick him into fixing the tank, and then Church will take over his body again when he is done.
Yeah, but you don't tell the person you are tricking what's going on, Caboose.
So, if I'm the one being tricked, then you will not tell me what is really going ON?
Oh. [Pause] I think you know.
[looking through the sniper scope while standing on the upturned Warthog] Aw, crap. Hey, they got a guy fixing their tank.
Impossible! Our intelligence clearly states that-
[interrupting] We have intelligence?!
That the only soldiers in this canyon with mechanical training are that dead freelancer and Lopez- oh, wait a minute!
Sarge, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Lopez runs away, the jeep starts driving itself and suddenly there's a new guy on the blue team?
Yes, Simmons I am. Why, obviously the blue team has constructed some kinda diabolical mind-control ray beam that they used on Lopez and now he has to do their evil blue bidding.
[jumping down from the jeep] Or, since he's a robot, maybe they just reprogrammed him.
Or maybe that blue guy who got killed by the tank has come back as a ghost and now he's possessing Lopez's body. That could also explain why Sarge went nuts when we had the prisoner, the blue ghost probably possessed him too. And the jeep going nuts was probably a weird set of coincidences while the guy learned how to use Lopez's body.
[Pause]
I think I like the ray beam idea better.
Yeah, rookie. Your idea sounds a little dumb.
