TV show quotes
[Andy is acting as a translator for the alien]
What is he [the alien] saying?
Listen guys, if want me to translate, you can't keep asking me every four seconds, "what's he sayin' now, Andy?" "what's he sayin' now?" I'm gonna tell you what he's sayin', that's my freakin' job!
That's what he said? That's a pretty weird thing to say. Ok, tell him, sorry, I will stop saying...that. And...also...no.
I think we need a translator just for Caboose.
That thing that he's talkin' about must be that sword, and it's not broken—it's right there.
Argh blargh!
He says it only works with the hero who passes the trial of the windmill, and retrieves it from its resting place. For everyone else, it might as well be broken.
Uh oh.
Trial? Please, I fell in a hole, that's not a trial. I'm startin' to like this culture though, any dude who trips is a hero. I'm pretty sure that makes Caboose God.
This all sounds like bullshit to me.
No he's right. It didn't work for me, remember?
Of course it didn't work for you, you're a girl. I mean, you can't even work the entertainment center back at the base. Doesn't mean the remote control is mythically attached to us.
Don't worry, Tucker. We're not sending you alone.
You're coming with me, Tex?
Me? Hell no. This is the first thing you wimps have done that actually sounds dangerous.
Well, I'm not going with Church. That guy's a worse fighter than I am.
Well, you're in luck, then. Cause I'm not going either.
[Simmons is trying to make the Red Team jealous]
[to himself] Is that Simmons? [to Simmons who is standing on the cliff] Hey Simmons, why are you painted blue? Have you finally lost it?
This isn't working, they don't care. Sheila just shoot at them.
Firing main cannon. [Sheila fires at the Red Base]
[Translating for the Alien] After we cross the Burning Plains of Honka Hill, we're gonna reach the Freezing Plains of Blarganthia.
The Burning Plains are next to the Freezing Plains? I bet there's some pretty wet plains in between.
[The Blues are about to embark on their quest]
I hope we meet a cleric on the way. We don't have anyone who can heal.
He says he's a healer.
Oh, good.
Not really. They eat their wounded. (starts laughing)
(speaks slowly) Just like chiropractors!
Ok, so, um, Tucker is the fighter, Crunchbite is the healer and I am the powerful.....and intelligent wizard, Morphumax.
What the hell does that make me?
Caboose': You're the good-looking and stealthy archer.
A bow and arrow? I don't have any arms, you frickin' moron!
That is what makes you so stealthy. [turns away from Andy] This is going to be the best party ever.
I'm gonna fuckin' die.
[Simmons has Sheila attack the Red base]
Firing main cannon.
Yeahah, take that! Suck it Blue- I mean Red! Suck it, Blue-uh, damn! Red! God, this is harder than I thought...
Hey Simmons, what the hell are you doing?
What does it look like I'm doing, I'm attacking the Blue base—I mean, the Red base! Fuck!
[later]
You told Sarge that there wasn't a tank. There it is, it's a tank!
Oh, you said listen to you, not agree with you. Yeah, I thought that joke was pretty funny, but now Donut's my manager and everything kinda sucks now.
Well, too bad, 'cause this is what you get now, you dumb Blue bitch! Red bitch! Fuck, you know what I mean!
[later]
Grif! What are you doing all the way over there! At least Simmons has the ingenuity to formulate a traitorous plan!
Thank you, sir!...I mean, SUCK IT BLUE!...God dammit, I mean RED!
But you're a slothful idiot! Treason takes effort! I never would've expected this from you.
Oh, up yours.
What was that?
...up yours, SIR.
That's better!
Well, good luck guys. Don't forget to change your underwear at least once a day. Tucker, that goes double for you.
What? I'm the cleanest guy here!
No, it goes double for you because now you're in charge of changing Caboose as well.
I hate you.
[Tucker notices Tex staring at the alien's crotch]
Let me put it this way; I felt less threatened when Tex was staring at just the sword.
[Tex snaps out of her trance]
Whu-What? Oh, I was just admiring his... His alien... Muscle structure...
Yeah, one particular part of his muscle structure...
Well, that's just a matter of penis- I mean opinion! Opinion... that's... what i meant.
Smooth.
Caboose (horrified): You told me it was another arm...
Alien (happily): Blaaaaarrrrrggg!
Andy (laughing): Hey, Caboose, high five!
Caboose (disturbed): I don't want to do that anymore...
What if I have to kill stuff, dude? I'm a lover not a fighter.
Yeah Tucker, I'm the same way. That's why we get along so well, we're both just a couple of lovers.
(Short pause)
That sounded kinda gay, dude.
Yeah, it did... umm... I feel obligated to say something encouraging as your boss.
Our captain died, you're just the guy pretending to be my boss.
Y-you know in our given situation technically you could be seen as one of my employees.
Except that I'm not.
(sigh, frustrated) Whatever, listen I just- as... as someone in an employee-manager relationship...
Which doesn't exist.
(sighs)
Why did you pull me aside again?
I'm sure it was to say something inspiring or... something, but now I just don't care.
You know, I have to say I'm a little surprised that you're not going with them.
Why? Quests are dangerous!
Yeah but they usually have some kind of big reward at the end you know like some, big treasure chest or an entire room filled with gold and art. It's not really like you to pass up on something like that Tex. ...Tex? ...You're gone, aren't you.
(sighs) I really shoulda seen that coming.
Simmons (aggressively): I said in the hole!
[Simmons pushes Grif into a hole he is using as a prison and Grif appears from a gravity lift behind him]
WHOS A BAD HOSTAGE TAKER NOW BITCH!
I think I found a design flaw in your hole.
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