Jo Brand quotes from QI

Stephen Fry

You spray or apply furniture polish to a radiator, and it fills the room with the smell of furniture polish. These hints are either from a book called Trade Secrets by Katherine Lapworth and Alexandra Fraser, or from Superhints by the Lady...

Jo Brand

I know those two. They're slags, the pair of them.

Stephen Fry

What do you know of the book called Superhints by the Lady Wardington?

Jo Brand

Yeah, I know her.

Stephen Fry

Do you know the Lady Wardington?

Jo Brand

She's a bitch.

Stephen Fry

Why do they [British Royal Family] open presents on Christmas Eve?

Jo Brand

Because they're all fuckin' mad!

Stephen Fry

No, because they're all fuckin' German!

Stephen Fry

Now, question one, I think. I'm naked; it's pouring down with rain. Can you give me a good reason why I should crouch down with my bottom in the air? [Jo immediately rings in; Stephen is already laughing.] Jo.

Jo Brand

Stephen, I wouldn't have thought you'd need a good reason.

Stephen Fry

You’re not doing badly, I must say. A fulsome pair of funbags there.

Jo Brand

You know what? That was almost heterosexual.

Alan Davies

But it wasn’t though, was it?

Stephen Fry

In this episode, there is a special forfeit if you use a particular F word...

Jo Brand

Oh, fuck off.

Stephen Fry

It was almost a clever double-bluff that it would be that word.

Stephen Fry

Alan, do you enjoy fargling?

Alan Davies

Am I fargling now?

Stephen Fry

No.

Stephen Fry

By the way, does anyone know, incidentally, what is the best opening move of Paper, Scissors, Stone?

Dara Ó Briain

If you say, "You go first"

Jo Brand

Is it a real rock?

Stephen Fry

How would you describe the famous Thatcher effect?

Phill Jupitus

Yes. You get the country to bend over, and you give it one till its eyes water.

Jo Brand

It was great actually when she became Lady Thatcher, because then she sounded like a device removing pubic hair.

Stephen Fry

[pointing to the red flower in his buttonhole] What does my buttonhole tell you about me?

Jo Brand

That you're a closet heterosexual?

Stephen Fry

How dare you!

Stephen Fry

And the film based on La Dame aux Camélias is …?

Jo Brand

Carry On Menstruating.

Rob Brydon

Now, the socks that man in the middle is wearing, very long socks, and just out of interest for you, that’s something that I’ve turned to recently. I now favour the longer sock.

Stephen Fry

Do you? Can you take me through your reasoning?

Rob Brydon

Yes, I can, I’ll show you. [He slowly pulls up his trouser leg.] The gentleman’s sock. Now Jo, you as a lady, you’re gonna think this sock is gonna stop a lot sooner than it does. So watch this. Look at that. Surely you’ve reached the peak. Surely we’ve peaked.

Stephen Fry

Oh, my word! He’s wearing tights!

Rob Brydon

Can I say, not so much for Jo, but Stephen, Alan and Sean, I urge you to give it a go. Because it gives you a feeling of security.

Jo Brand

They do make you look like a nob-head.

Stephen Fry

Now, tell me about the "Great Disappointment".

Jo Brand

Have you been talking to my husband?

Stephen Fry

What is the point of teenagers?

Jo Brand

Are they the only group you are legally allowed to punch?

Stephen Fry

It seems that we produce about three pints of wind a day.

Jo Brand

Pints?

Stephen Fry

Yes, it's measured in pints. Released in ten to fifteen individual "episodes".

Andy Hamilton

You can get the box set as well.

Alan Davies

Or, you can have a feature-length episode.

Stephen Fry

So, what begins with J and appears to be alive?

Jo Brand

Is it me?

Stephen Fry

You begin with J and are most magnificently radiantly alive.

Jo Brand

He's on the turn.

Liza Tarbuck

James Blunt.

Stephen Fry

Closer, I grant you.

Sue Perkins

Jeremy Clarkson.

Stephen Fry

This is something that appears to be alive, but quite obviously isn’t.

Sue Perkins

Jedward then. I'm revising my original answer.

Stephen Fry

I got jumbo wrists and I'm covered in tit juice. What have I been up to?

Sue Perkins

You've changed.

Jo Brand

Is it a night out with Tarbuck and Perkins?