Bill Bailey quotes from QI

Phill Jupitus

Wouldn't it be great if you walked into a pub with him, though … [points at Stephen] … with Fry on your team? "Yeah, this is Barry from down the road. Yeah, he does look like him." And Fry would be there having to fake it in the pub—"Oh, blimey!"

Bill Bailey

Giving it away by swearing in Latin!

Bill Bailey

I saw a goat up a tree in Morocco. They go right up the top! I couldn't believe it, I thought it was somebody in the pub having me on, but no …

Stephen Fry

And you're sure it was a tree, not a goathanger?

Stephen Fry

An octopus the size of a volleyball can fit into a soft drink can.

Bill Bailey

Er, bluff.

Stephen Fry

What I want you to do first is tell me all about the twelve Frenchmen and the twelve mosquitoes.

Dara Ó Briain

Once upon a time, there were twelve Frenchmen called... 'Appy, Sleepy, Arrogant, Furieux, Un Chose Comme Ca, Bof and Zut Alors. And...

Phill Jupitus

That's six!

Dara Ó Briain

Fenètre, Boulangerie...

Alan Davies

Le Table.

Dara Ó Briain

Le Table, of course. And Jambon et Fromage, the twins. And they used to travel around with mosquitoes...

Phill Jupitus

And what were the mosquitoes called?

Bill Bailey

Buzzy, Stingy...

Dara Ó Briain

It was a very, very low-rent 1950's French detective series, that involved, at some point, the extraction of a tiny amount of blood from one of the suspects.

Phill Jupitus

Is it true that someone dressed as a lady to escape detection?

Stephen Fry

Yes, apparently it is true, because it was women and children first.

Bill Bailey

[chuckling] I thought you said "someone dressed as a baby".

Phill Jupitus

[posh accent] "Yes, goo-goo indeed. I have a lollipop and I have no control over my urinary functions. I am, in fact, an infant. And I know you think I'm Lord Albemarle, but I am in fact a little baby. With a beard. Yes, goo-goo, gaa-gaa. And madam, may I tell you I've been a very naughty baby?"

Stephen Fry

Where do you put your ladder if you want it to go into space?

Rich Hall

On top of a spaceship. With a flag hanging on it, so other spaceships don't follow you too closely.

Bill Bailey

It's a conceptual question. How about this: Up against the wall of silence.

Stephen Fry

You should have railings build around you and people come and worship you as a kind of modern Buddha. You've got the look, I have to say.

Bill Bailey

Oh, thank you very much.

Stephen Fry

Buddha look.

Bill Bailey

Rural Buddha [in a West Country accent] Wisdom...and cheap cider.

Bill Bailey

How about this: You could just...imagine.

Stephen Fry

Oh Bill, that is so beautiful.

Bill Bailey

'Tis the wisdom of the rural Buddha.

Sean Lock

The Dalai Farmer.

Bill Bailey

Was it 'This is the Moon, this is the end of the line...'

Rich Hall

Great to be here in Philadelph—I mean, the Moon.

Bill Bailey

There's a certain efficiency about it. [in German accent] "He does somesing, then he falls over. Is very amusing. Before, he vas valking in a straight line, so he's valking into the door! Is genius!"

Alan Davies

"Zis is vhat happens vhen you break ze rules!"

Bill Bailey

"Sometimes I stay up very late!"

Stephen Fry

What's the commonest cause of death among mountain goats?

Bill Bailey

[hitting his buzzer] BRIAN BLESSED.

Alan Davies

It's all the time travel he does! He knows something about every era.

Stephen Fry

[cough] He's acting. [cough]

Bill Bailey

It's not real? [sounds agitated] What do you mean? What do you mean?

Don't listen to him. [glares at Stephen]

Stephen Fry

[raises a hand apologetically] I'm sorry!

Bill Bailey

[leans towards David] Don't tell me it's not real!

[whispering] Don't listen to the bad man!

Bill Bailey

I know, it’s a documentary, I know.

Yes, Exactly.

Alan Davies

Cybermen are real. Saw one in the corridor upstairs looking for you.

Stephen Fry

At school, we used to do what we called quad hockey, which is like a polo, only on bikes. You use a hockey stick and a ball, and you just go round on, um…

Bill Bailey

On quad bikes?

Stephen Fry

No, not on quad bikes. In a quad. In a quadrangle.

Bill Bailey

You were playing hockey in a quadrangle? You had a very different sort of schooling to a lot of us.

Stephen Fry

Why? How is that different?

Lee Mack

Well, in my school, we used to set fire to cars. In an octangle.

Alan Davies

The Nazis banned smoking?

Stephen Fry

The Nazis, yeah, they had very strong anti-smoking…

Bill Bailey

The more I hear about them, the less I like them.

Alan Davies

"Well that's the final straw!"

Stephen Fry

"Up until this point, I've been prepared to listen…"

Alan Davies

"Oh, I can rationalise everything else, but that …"

Lee Mack

You can't damn it and damn it and double damn it. You could damn it and damn it and triple damn it.

Stephen Fry

Yeah. That was his mistake.

Bill Bailey

[eyeing David] ...chairman of the pedantic society.

Lee Mack

Vice chairman actually. [grins]

Bill Bailey

[mimicking German accent] "Zees new uniforms are cool!"

Bill Bailey

[ironically] So this is Christmas...

Alan Davies

[mimicking German accent] "I joined ze Nazi party. Zey're cool, daddy-o!"

Bill Bailey

"Cool, daddy-o!"

Alan Davies

"And bezides, I have no choice."

Bill Bailey

"I burned down a Reichstag. Cool!"

Stephen Fry

…There was an immediate controversy, 'cos they used baguettes. And so they weren't quite sure whether they were oriented in the same direction. It might have been a cross shape, which would have disqualified it as a sandwich, really, you can't have a sandwich baguettes crossing, can you?

Bill Bailey

How do you get to be involved in these competitions?