Bill Bailey quotes from QI

How do you get wheat to mate?

Pollination.

Yes, well, how does that happen?

Bill Bailey

You turn down the lights…

Ask the barley to leave the room...

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What's a Manhattan?

Bill Bailey

Red Bull. Red Bull and Egg nog.

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[On the I series "Nobody knows" bonus]

Bill Bailey

What are the points that you gain by using it correctly?

I think we all agree that nobody in this universe understands QI's scoring system.

Bill Bailey

Right. So, by that logic, were we to raise the subject of the scoring system, and I was to do that, [holds up his "Nobody knows" card] then… [he's cut off by laughter and applause]

He's made a very good point.

I suppose I'm trapped in an infinite loop. Yes, fortunately that isn't one of the questions.

If it were in a hypothetical round a question - "What is the QI scoring system?" - and then "Nobody knows", [mimics lifting up the card] what would happen to the person who does the QI scoring? Would they not then feel rather sad? They are at least presumably sitting there thinking that they know.

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I think they reserve a lot of their creativity for this show, don’t they?

I wonder what the score is now.

Yes, the score now... [He consults his screen.] Amazingly, Bill has three and everyone else has zero.

Why three?! I’d have thought one, or ten. But three?! How would you divide your contribution by three?

Bill Bailey

[Pointing at each of the other panellists.] Better than you, better than you, better than you. Three.

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When was the First World War first named as such?

Bill Bailey

Um, at the outbreak. The assassination of Archduke Ferdinand.

You think they called it the first world war straight away?

Bill Bailey

Before it started, yeah.

It would be an act of a pessimist to call it the first world war that early, surely. It's gonna be some point after 1939, isn't it?

Bill Bailey

A realist, surely.

[Forfeit klaxon goes off - 1939]

Excuse me! I think I said - I think what I said, people in the box, is after 1939. Which may contain 1939, but does not mean it.

No. Well -

[Forfeit klaxon goes off - AFTER THE SECOND WORLD WAR]

[waving finger] Okay! No, no, no! "After 1939" and "after the Second World War" are not synonymous. Now, this is just giving you time to type "after 1939".

[Forfeit klaxon goes off - DURING THE SECOND WORLD WAR]

Why don't you just type "MITCHELL IS A COCK"?

[warningly] I wouldn't put it past them...

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[On what the bill Ingram Fraser killed Christopher Marlowe over was for]

Might have been a prostitute, might have been a brothel.

Sue Perkins

So a brothel bill, then.

Bill Bailey

I didn't have that.

Sue Perkins

To be honest, the service charge in this is redundant.

Bill Bailey

I had one of them, two of them...

I asked for that, but it never happened.

It was off.

Bill Bailey

If we all chip in...

Why don't we have a big one, and we all have a bit?

[...]

Anyway, what made Lord Byron limp?

Sue Perkins

That's a follow-up question.

Bill Bailey

Item four on the brothel bill...?

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[ Bill Bailey has correctly identified a bird on the screens as a flycatcher.]

That was a flycatcher. It was a Juan Fernández Tit-Tyrant.

Here we go again...

Bill Bailey

Wait a minute...[writing in his notebook] A Juan Fernández Tit-Tyrant.

There are points for knowing where the Juan Fernández islands are.

VCVictoria Coren

*scoffs* Breastcock Lane...?!

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We call our numbers Arabic numbers.

Do we? I thought our numbers... okay.

Roman alphabet.

Right.

And Arabic numerals.

Bill Bailey

And Gregorian chanting.

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Within 10 years, tell me when this great, huge explosion...

1883.

1883?

Bill Bailey

Um... 1882.

Right. Ladies and gentlemen, viewers at home, brace yourselves.

Bill Bailey

Oh, hello.

The explosion, the enormous, gigantic eruption of Krakatoa was in 1883.

Thank you.

Can I just say, wtf?

There was a documentary about it on the BBC where they re-enacted it.

Well remembered.

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What about when we went scuba diving and your mask was too tight?

Bill Bailey

Oh. Oh, yeah, I don’t...

His eyes nearly came out of his head!

[Bill shakes his head.]

They were inside the mask... these massive eyes! We’re all going, “look at Bill! Check he’s alright. Check he’s alright.” And when we found out he was alright, I laughed, I laughed my head off!

Bill Bailey

No, no, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Rewind! Rewind. Can we just go back to the it where you said, “when you checked we were alright you laughed your head off.” You were laughing from the minute my face came out of the water. There was blood pouring out of my eyes.

You had no idea. You had no idea at all.

Bill Bailey

I had no idea. I was going, “what?” and people were going, “oh my god!”

[Alan points and screams.]

Bill Bailey

Oh my god!” And I went, “what? What?” Like Carrie or something, with blood streaming from my eyes.

It took quite a long time for them to recede as well.

Bill Bailey

Yes, it did. And a lot of laughing was going on.

I thought you had some sort of magnifying mask on, but when you took the mask off they were still enormous!

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[On posteriors]

If you had a colonoscopy, you know, 24 hours before you would have to take these unbelievably powerful, er...

Bill Bailey

Hallucinogenics?

[The audience and Stephen start laughing as Bill starts slouching in his chair and talking in a Texas accent.]

Bill Bailey

Wow, wowee, ah ha! Oh, I'm being taken by a space octopus!

[Bill's buzzer suddenly goes off without him touching it.]

Bill Bailey

I didn't even touch it!

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What has 20 legs, 5 heads and can't reach its own nuts?

Westlife.

Oh, ho-ho-ho. Oh, you're so lucky. You're so lucky, cos I know what the klaxon was.

Ha-ha!

Jimmy Carr

I presume the klaxon: shall I?

Yeah, go on.

Jimmy Carr

One Direction?

Oh!

[Forfeit Klaxon goes off - ONE DIRECTION]

[later on in the conversation]

It sounds like a gypsy band, but it's the squirrel kings. What would squirrel kings be?

Bill Bailey

The best squirrel?

Well, oddly enough, it's really unfortunate. They squirm around on trees. But sometimes trees exude, a sticky sap. And when the baby squirrels get their tails caught in the sticky sap, their tails get stuck together. And you get this (cuts to image of 5 squirrels stuck together by their tails). Absolutely stuck together.

[Audience goes "aww!"]

Oh, that's fucking hysterical!

[Laughter]

Seriously they're stuck together?!?! [cackles]

You're so bad! You are so bad! The audience goes "aww"!

It's not! It's the funniest thing I've ever heard of! And they're never going to be organised enough to go "Ready, steady" and run off in different directions. They'll never be able to do that!

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Bill Bailey

What would happen?

If?

Bill Bailey

No, I’m just saying, it’s rhetorical. There’s a question. What would happen, Stephen? Discuss.

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