Alan Davies quotes from QI

Alan Davies

Not me. Wasn’t me. I didn’t do anything.

Alan Davies

I’m winning, therefore I’m losing.

Alan Davies

Cadiz is pronounced Cardiff, by the way. If you say Cardiff you're much closer to the way the Spanish say it.

Alan Davies

A MILT is a Mum In Leather Trousers.

Alan Davies

[points towards audience] There's a few people out there work retail.

Alan Davies

[on the audience's reaction] Oh, you really got this one bad, haven't you? [goes: awww, awww] One spineless hedgehog and you lose it. Sums this country up, if you ask me.

Stephen Fry

Now, why... Hugh?

Yes?

Stephen Fry

Why does the actor Edward Woodward have 4 Ds in his name?

Well... No! What are you doing?

John Sessions

I'm sorry!

What are you doing?

He can’t do that!

John Sessions

I'm sorry. It was a spasm.

John Sessions

I’ll put it out. Just carry on.

Alan Davies

Did you know, this is quite interesting...

Stephen Fry

Yes, good. That’s what we’re here for.

Alan Davies

Did you know, kiwi fruit uses more than its own weight in aviation fuel to get from New Zealand to Europe?

Stephen Fry

Another 5 points. It sounds mad, but is of course true. Absolutely.

Alan Davies

And regarding the Edward Woodward...

Stephen Fry

Yes?

Alan Davies

That’s how you spell it!

Stephen Fry

Oh, no, let Hugh... Poor Hugh.

No really, that’s fine. I was gonna say exactly that. It’s got that many Ds in it, cos that’s his name! If you took the Ds out, it would be a different name.

Alan Davies

Ewar Woowar!

Ewar Woowar.

Stephen Fry

Exactly. It would be Ewar Woowar. It’s a sort of structural device, like a joist, which stops his name collapsing into the sort of spongey mass of Ewar Woowar.

Stephen Fry

What would you do with a pencil and a lesser anteater?

Alan Davies

Oh, hours of fun.

Alan Davies

I nearly injured myself the other day.

Stephen Fry

Oh yes?

Alan Davies

I was standing...

Stephen Fry

This is a not quite interesting?

Alan Davies

I was standing at the urinal and it was so high I had to stand on tip toe, and I nearly pulled a muscle in the hamstring area. It must have been a really really lanky plumber who put it up.

Stephen Fry

It must have been.

Bill Bailey

You were in a giant’s toilet.

Alan Davies

Stumbled into a giant's loo.

Jeremy Hardy

Might have been a fountain.

Bill Bailey

It was a font in a church.

Alan Davies

It was outdoors... [Realising what Bill said.] I was not weeing in a font! I resent that.

Bill Bailey

I baptise you... oh, stop that. Distguting.

Stephen Fry

How many moons does the earth have?

Alan Davies

It has... [He gets distracted for a moment by his buzzer, which is now a chicken.]

Stephen Fry

Yeah?

Alan Davies

The earth has one moon which is made of cheese.

Stephen Fry

Ooohhh.

Stephen Fry

So you lose 10.

Alan Davies

But it does have one moon!

Stephen Fry

No.

Alan Davies

It’s called ‘The Moon’! I rest my case.

Rich Hall

Who comes up with this shit? So you're telling me there's a second moon?

Stephen Fry

There... I am!

Jeremy Hardy

"Blue moon, I saw you standing alone." Not "with a small friend."

Rich Hall

So why is there, uh... why is there not one romantic song with the word "Cruithne" in it? Why not "Blue Cruithne of Kentucky," or "Cruithne River," or--

Alan Davies

No one can see it--

Stephen Fry

BECAUSE IT WAS DISCOVERED IN NINETEEN-NINETY-[bleep]-FOUR!

Rich Hall

9 years! 9 years to write a romantic song with the word ‘Cruithne’ in it.

Stephen Fry

In the last 9 years, no romantic songs, as far as I know, have been written at all. Have they?

Alan Davies

Bryan Adams wrote one.

Stephen Fry

Oh, please!

Bill Bailey

‘Everything I Do, I Do It For Cruithne?’

Stephen Fry

How many planets are there in the solar system?

Alan Davies

Nine.

Stephen Fry

Oh, sorry. Not again. [He holds up the ‘nine’ card.] Nine. Not the right answer, another forfeit of 10, I’m afraid. I’m afraid the answer is actually eight.

Alan Davies

I’m gonna write them down. You carry on.

Stephen Fry

Alright. Okay.

Alan Davies

Mars.

Stephen Fry

Yes, Mars is one.

Alan Davies

Pluto.

Stephen Fry

No.

Rich Hall

Here we go again.

Alan Davies

Pluto is a planet! It was discovered in the 1930s. It was the most recent planet to be discovered.

Stephen Fry

It was discovered by Clive Tombaugh in 1930 exactly, yes.

Bill Bailey

It’s a collection of gasses, it’s not actually...

Stephen Fry

It’s not a planet. By no criterion by which planets are judged could Pluto be said...

Alan Davies

It’s really, really big and it goes around the sun!

Stephen Fry

Yes, but it’s not really that big at all. It’s tiny.

Alan Davies

Well, that’s why it took so long to find! Don’t be hard on it cos it’s small!

Alan Davies

Is gay whispers like Chinese whispers

Stephen Fry

Much more fun, I assure you, much more fun.

Stephen Fry

Holmes was retired by this point, and was keeping bees on the Sussex Downs.

Alan Davies

Against their will?

Alan Davies

I’ve got that in my pond, I get rid of it.

Stephen Fry

No. Think about how many people you kill by doing that. You might just as well go around with a pillow and just clamp them to old lady’s faces. You bastard.