Alan Davies quotes from QI

Alan Davies

Charlton Heston played Michelangelo?

Stephen Fry

Yes, you know, and—

Alan Davies

The effete Italian homosexual?

Stephen Fry

Yes, that's the one, he was not effete—

Alan Davies

Played by the president of the gun club?

Stephen Fry

He was an athletic Italian homosexual-

Alan Davies

I thought he was a wussy one!

Stephen Fry

He may well have preferred man-on-man action, that doesn't mean he was Julian Clary! He was butch, like me!

Alan Davies

How do you spell ribbit? Oh, like that.

Stephen Fry

That’s apparently how you spell it.

Alan Davies

No, that’s rabbit in New Zealand.

Stephen Fry

You could call the American Indians, or Native Americans, you could call them Aboriginals if you wanted.

Alan Davies

You could. But it’s more fun to call them redskins.

Stephen Fry

Yes. I wouldn’t try it though, in America.

Alan Davies

No.

Stephen Fry

You’d have your balls turned into a small purse.

Alan Davies

A very big purse, I think you’ll find.

Stephen Fry

What am I thinking?

Alan Davies

I’ll have my balls turned into a rucksack.

Alan Davies

I know that the stingray sucks food up from the sea bed.

Stephen Fry

Yeah, it’s more of a fish than an insect.

Alan Davies

It can locate and suck up food from a foot below the surface of the sea bed.

Stephen Fry

It’s what we in the gay community call a bottom feeder.

Alan Davies

Can I be in the gay community?

Stephen Fry

Oh, very well.

Alan Davies

Can I be an arthropod and in the gay community?

Stephen Fry

It’s a specialist area, but I’m sure there are many websites devoted to it.

Alan Davies

The gay arthropods.

Stephen Fry

The gay arthropods.

Stephen Fry

You should read the books.

Alan Davies

I don’t have time to read the books. I haven’t read all yours yet.

Stephen Fry

It’s full of interesting stuff. For instance, Bond has these strange ideas, he has this idea that homosexuals can’t whistle, for example.

Alan Davies

Its cos they’ve got cock in their mouth.

Stephen Fry

I want you to go and stand in the corner.

Stephen Fry

If a lion mates with a tiger, you get a …?

Alan Davies

Scandal.

Jo Brand

Can I just say something that's very strange? Because there's some German chewing gum called Spunk, and, um, you do have to be careful you don't swallow it—but in fact, I actually talked about that chewing gum on Clive James's show with you [pointing at Stephen] and Princess Diana! Do you remember? Seriously!

Alan Davies

[wearily] That was a dream. You've got to sort these out.

Stephen Fry

How do hedgehogs make love?

Alan Davies

Carefully!

Alan Davies

An old lady gave me a Kit Kat recently, and it tasted exactly like old lady’s cupboards. And I looked on the sell by date and it was 1998.

Stephen Fry

Oh, bless.

Are you using the phrase ‘old lady’s cupboards’ in any kind of euphemistic sense?

Stephen Fry

There’s a little bit of Alan in me. Is there any Alan in you?

Rich Hall

No. No.

Alan Davies

Do you want some?

Stephen Fry

It's in the Bible …

Alan Davies

I haven't read it!

Stephen Fry

You should—it's hilarious.

Stephen Fry

What, or which, is the largest living thing on earth?

Alan Davies

[determined] It is the blue whale!

Alan Davies

I had an ants nest in my flat once.

Stephen Fry

Did you? What did you do?

Alan Davies

Well, I was fairly stupid about it, because I saw an ant, I thought ‘there’s an ant in the flat’. And the next day I saw an ant and I thought ‘oh, there he is.’

Stephen Fry

It’s the same one?

Alan Davies

And this went on for a couple of weeks, and then one day I moved the telephone table, there’s loads of them there. They went, [gasps]. Hoovered them. Hoovered the lot of them.

Stephen Fry

No.

Stephen Fry

I'll give you an extra two points if you can tell me the longest fence in the world.

Phill Jupitus

The Great Fence of China!

Alan Davies

It's to keep people off the Great Wall.