Alan Davies quotes from QI

Jeremy Clarkson

I've got a twisted testicle, a hideous skin disease, two slipped disks...

Alan Davies

[singing] …And a partridge in a pear tree!

There will be a lot of people watching who will wonder what does a true Scotsman wear under his kilt, and I can tell you true Scotsman will never tell you what he wears under his kilt. He will show you at the drop of a hat.

Stephen Fry

I've seen dandruff on the shoes. That's a giveaway. But the short kilt -

Sandi Toksvig

I don't feel well now.

Alan Davies

[waving arms] I don't feel good with that information. Quick, send something else! Give me another image!

Rob Brydon

Well, it makes sense now, when you think about when you're being in a hot country, and you're tossing at night and you can't get off, and then you hear the…

Alan Davies

[long look]

Rob Brydon

No! No, no, no.

Stephen Fry

[sympathetic look]

Rob Brydon

I'm simply not having it!

Sandi Toksvig

Sounds like it.

Stephen Fry

A million British horses were sent to the First World War front. What happened to the ones that survived?

Alan Davies

They settled in the southern France, opened a caravan park…

Jimmy Carr

Of course they couldn't learn the language, so they ended up moving back.

Dara Ó Briain

No one has ever fallen on a banana peel. No one’s slid on a banana peel... Presumably the only person...

Dara Ó Briain

You? You’re kidding. The one person in history.

Jimmy Carr

That is a commitment to comedy, Alan. Well done.

Stephen Fry

Was this in comedy school, or once you’d graduated?

Alan Davies

No, it was in Chapel Market in Islington. It’s a fruit and veg market.

Stephen Fry

That’s a likely place to find one.

Alan Davies

I did actually tread on a banana. And you really go. I mean, they are incredible.

Rob Brydon

You know what I would use this for, Stephen? If I was enjoying some salted pistachio nuts at home, while watching the Emmerdale omnibus, I would use this to…

…Kill yourself?

Sandi Toksvig

He can’t have been that ill though, cos he seems to have had time to change his socks.

Alan Davies

I’m dying. Get the death socks.

Rob Brydon

Stephen, can I point out? Can I give the seal of approval to his wonderfully long socks?

Stephen Fry

Rob long socks. Oh dear.

Lee Mack

I'm not surprised that they're endangered, because clearly they aren't mating, are they? They're looking at each other and going: "I'd rather not!"

Stephen Fry

It is dark, remember.

Alan Davies

All the ugly ones come out in the dark.

Lee Mack

That's how Jimmy mates. "I'm happy to do it, luv, but it'll have to be with the lights off."

Jimmy Carr

I can't believe your wife told you that.

Bill Bailey

What are the points that you gain by using it correctly?

Stephen Fry

I think we all agree that nobody in this universe understands QI's scoring system.

Bill Bailey

Right. So, by that logic, were we to raise the subject of the scoring system, and I was to do that, [holds up his "Nobody knows" card] then… [he's cut off by laughter and applause]

Alan Davies

He's made a very good point.

Stephen Fry

I suppose I'm trapped in an infinite loop. Yes, fortunately that isn't one of the questions.

David Mitchell

If it were in a hypothetical round a question - "What is the QI scoring system?" - and then "Nobody knows", [mimics lifting up the card] what would happen to the person who does the QI scoring? Would they not then feel rather sad? They are at least presumably sitting there thinking that they know.

David Mitchell

I think they reserve a lot of their creativity for this show, don’t they?

Alan Davies

I wonder what the score is now.

Stephen Fry

Yes, the score now... [He consults his screen.] Amazingly, Bill has three and everyone else has zero.

David Mitchell

Why three?! I’d have thought one, or ten. But three?! How would you divide your contribution by three?

Bill Bailey

[Pointing at each of the other panellists.] Better than you, better than you, better than you. Three.

Stephen Fry

And Alan goes:

Alan Davies

[presses buzzer]

Stephen Fry

She also actively sought out degrading experiences. She once drank a cupful of cancerous pus from a woman who'd abused her.

Alan Davies

But had she appeared on Mock the Week?

Brian Cox

I'm going to, to play the card there.

Stephen Fry

[looking at Cox] You are right! You're a true scientist. The fact is that nobody does really know, do they.

Alan Davies

[pointed cough]

Stephen Fry

[turns to see Alan with his card] Well done!

Alan Davies

[Formally] Thank you.

Stephen Fry

This is an optimistic one here. "Welcome to Tower Hamlets - Let's make it..."

Alan Davies

"…out alive."

Ross Noble

There was another slogan, it said: It did happen on Friday the 17th. If you've witnessed it...

Stephen Fry

I've just done voice for them, so that if you have TomTom or Garmin…

Ross Noble

No, you drive along, and it goes: "Turn left. Now, the interesting thing about this particular building…" [His voice is drowned under the audience's laughter and applause. Stephen buries his face in his hands.]

Alan Davies

Did you do it as if you were talking to me? That's the worrying thing. "Left, you moron!"