Alan Davies quotes from QI

Alan Davies

Let me play with the gun! I wanna play with the gun that shoots around corners.

Stephen Fry

No, you can’t play with the gun.

Alan Davies

[Grumpy.] “Special instructions ‘don’t let Alan...’”

Phill Jupitus

“Police were baffled in London tonight by a series of murders committed around corners.”

Alan Davies

[saying nothing, places his fingers on top of his head]

Alan Davies

Is that the way they can now read my mind, these people?

Stephen Fry

[laughing] It's amazing, isn't it.

Alan Davies

It's the eighth series, I suppose.

Alan Davies

[to cautious David] Embrace the klaxon!

David Mitchell

I'm trying to!

Stephen Fry

My favourite on the Weakest Link was "What are Chardonnay, Shiraz and Pino Noir?" And the guy said "Footballer's wives."

Alan Davies

My favourite one was: "Name a dangerous race". And the man said "The Arabs."

Stephen Fry

You can tell from the strides that they ran really fast.

Jack Dee

What were they running from?

Alan Davies

The white man.

Stephen Fry

And someone who doesn’t even know the meaning of the word lugubrious, Alan Davies.

Alan Davies

That’s true.

Alan Davies

Give everyone the mental age of six.

Andy Hamilton

Well, the media are working on that, aren't they?

Andy Hamilton

How else do you meet if you’re not on a dating site, though?

Alan Davies

Join a group.

Andy Hamilton

Join a group?

Stephen Fry

Yeah.

Alan Davies

Yeah, you join a Facebook group with like minded people.

Andy Hamilton

Oh, right.

Alan Davies

They send you witty remarks. Eventually, you send them a photograph of your genitals.

Alan Davies

Have we killed anyone on this show?

Stephen Fry

I...

Alan Davies

We must try harder.

Stephen Fry

It is a sliding organ, a wet organ, that is…

Alan Davies

What are you looking at me for?

Dara Ó Briain

I gonna have go to them to get them to talk and I was in Liverpool at The Strip, I start with dreams about the occasion of having a dream about a famous person and some bloke in the crowd shared with us that he had a dream about Kate Winslet. And I said "Oh!" and I said "Was it a sexy dream?" and he said "No, she turned me down" [general laughter] In his own head! And I said to him "Were you disappointed?" and he said "Naw, I didn't hit her with my best stuff".

Stephen Fry

That's very strange.

Alan Davies

I had a dream about Kate Winslet and in my dream it didn't turn out well either.

Dara Ó Briain

Wow, she's like the Freddie Krueger of teases.

Alan Davies

Tomatoes.

Stephen Fry

Tomatoes is the right answer.

Alan Davies

50 points!

Stephen Fry

Yeah... maybe. Some points.

Alan Davies

You normally introduce me last. It slightly caught me out, and I was applauding myself.

Stephen Fry

Oh, bless.

Alan Davies

And I was applauding myself insincerely.

Stephen Fry

The ecological footprint is a measure of the amount of land needed to regenerate consumed resources and deal with the resultant waste, and current figures calculated by the United Nations are that we are using up 1.4 times more than the planet can restore.

Alan Davies

The thing is… we evolved from this planet, we are of this planet, we live on this planet, so… can't we do what we like?

Stephen Fry

Yep… absolutely.

Alan Davies

I mean we are victims of our own evolution; I just happened to have come in at this point and now I have to turn the lights out and can't see where I'm going when I go to bed.

Stephen Fry

It has never been illegal to own a slave in England until April 2010. [To Alan] I'm saying I could have had you, as a slave, legally.

Alan Davies

You mean, this series, I'm finally free?