Alan Davies quotes from QI

Alan Davies

That's a really ugly baby.

Clive Anderson

That's not any use! Don't learn that expression. "Really ugly baby." There's never an option to use that in real life.

Alan Davies

Cut the long story short, they airbrushed her nipples out of the poster. Her nipples were showing through her costume, just the two little… [motions with his hands]

Clive Anderson

But this is radio!

Alan Davies

[laughing] Not just for the radio. And, uh, she had complained about it. "So why have you airbrushed my nipples, that's ridiculous. Why don't you just leave them?" And the presenter said: "Well, perhaps they thought they weren't suitable for children".

Female sexual dysfunction, for example, started being pushed at the time that various companies were trying to get licences for things like Viagra for the 50% of the population who are unlucky enough not to have a penis. And...

Stephen Fry

[to Jo Brand] Steady.

Alan Davies

Jo's got loads of penises, but they're all in her drawer.

Stephen Fry

It seems that we produce about three pints of wind a day.

Jo Brand

Pints?

Stephen Fry

Yes, it's measured in pints. Released in ten to fifteen individual "episodes".

Andy Hamilton

You can get the box set as well.

Alan Davies

Or, you can have a feature-length episode.

Stephen Fry

You've gotta have two machines abreast, is usual, isn't it? And then all the living quarters were next door... [interrupted by a chuckle from Alan]

Alan Davies

Sorry, I've just thought of breasts. [hands on his chest] "Two machines"?

Stephen Fry

[laughing] Two machines per breast.

Sandi Toksvig

It was an odd moment, Alan, 'cos I was with you.

Chris Addison

You know, Edison electrocuted an elephant. It's my favourite fact of all time.

Stephen Fry

Yes. Do you know why?

Chris Addison

He was carrying out an execution.

Alan Davies

I think you might know this 'cos you saw it on QI.

Stephen Fry

[laughing] Yes.

Chris Addison

Really? [over the audience laughter] The problem of joining you people so late is that you've basically covered all human knowledge!

Stephen Fry

My next question is this; why can’t blindfolded people walk in a straight line?

Alan Davies

Can’t see where they’re going. Next question.

Alan Davies

So what do we have to pronounce?

Stephen Fry

Now, yes that’s what I was... how did you know that I was gonna ask that as a supplementary question?

Alan Davies

I thought you already did.

Stephen Fry

Oh, did I already say it?

Alan Davies

Either that, or I read it off the autocue.

Stephen Fry

You read it off the autocue! You great big cheater!

Last night, I had an anxiety dream about coming on this show, and in this dream, I think I was sitting on the other side and you were asking the question very sternly "Why was the March Hare so important to the Aztecs?" And I didn’t know the answer and I said "Did they worship it?" And the screens went "Worship it. Worship it." which was absolutely terrifying.

Stephen Fry

Anyway. [very sternly] Why was the March Hare so important to the Aztecs?

Alan Davies

[Egging Victoria on] Whatever you dreamt was the answer, is the right answer.

I know the answer isn’t "Did they worship it?", because...

Stephen Fry

That was a flycatcher. It was a Juan Fernández Tit-Tyrant.

Alan Davies

Here we go again...

Bill Bailey

Wait a minute...[writing in his notebook] A Juan Fernández Tit-Tyrant.

Stephen Fry

There are points for knowing where the Juan Fernández islands are.

*scoffs* Breastcock Lane...?!

Stephen Fry

We call our numbers Arabic numbers.

Alan Davies

Do we? I thought our numbers... okay.

Stephen Fry

Roman alphabet.

Alan Davies

Right.

Stephen Fry

And Arabic numerals.

Bill Bailey

And Gregorian chanting.

Stephen Fry

Where the hell did I leave my passport?

Alan Davies

I lost mine in a plane once, and it had gone down, under the cushion of my seat. The actual plane seat. And I was on the plane for ages, I refused to get off the plane.

Stephen Fry

You have to get your seat disassembled. I’ve had that.

Alan Davies

And eventually I found it.

Alan Davies

That’s the end of the story.

Stephen Fry

That was a beautiful story. That is a lovely, lovely story.

Rob Brydon

Stephen, is that Alan Davies or is that Peter Ustinov? That was one hell of an anecdote. If that is the level of the bar this evening, I may go home.

Stephen Fry

What did Napoleon say to Josephine on his way back from a journey?

Alan Davies

I sense a trap! The only thing I know about Napoleon and Josephine was he said...

Stephen Fry

Yeah?

Alan Davies

What was it? Rob, what was it?

Rob Brydon

Phill?

Phill Jupitus

Cal?

Cal Wilson

I’m gonna do it. “I’m coming back. Don’t wash.”

Alan Davies

I only know the other one.

Stephen Fry

The other one, which might be...?

Alan Davies

It’s the one, Rob, what’s it...?

Rob Brydon

Phill, you know it.

Phill Jupitus

Cal...

Stephen Fry

Now what’s a male ferret called?

Alan Davies

Jeff.