Stephen Fry quotes from QI

Stephen Fry

How many moons does the earth have?

Alan Davies

It has... [He gets distracted for a moment by his buzzer, which is now a chicken.]

Stephen Fry

Yeah?

Alan Davies

The earth has one moon which is made of cheese.

Stephen Fry

Ooohhh.

Stephen Fry

So you lose 10.

Alan Davies

But it does have one moon!

Stephen Fry

No.

Alan Davies

It’s called ‘The Moon’! I rest my case.

Rich Hall

Who comes up with this shit? So you're telling me there's a second moon?

Stephen Fry

There... I am!

Jeremy Hardy

"Blue moon, I saw you standing alone." Not "with a small friend."

Rich Hall

So why is there, uh... why is there not one romantic song with the word "Cruithne" in it? Why not "Blue Cruithne of Kentucky," or "Cruithne River," or--

Alan Davies

No one can see it--

Stephen Fry

BECAUSE IT WAS DISCOVERED IN NINETEEN-NINETY-[bleep]-FOUR!

Rich Hall

9 years! 9 years to write a romantic song with the word ‘Cruithne’ in it.

Stephen Fry

In the last 9 years, no romantic songs, as far as I know, have been written at all. Have they?

Alan Davies

Bryan Adams wrote one.

Stephen Fry

Oh, please!

Bill Bailey

‘Everything I Do, I Do It For Cruithne?’

Stephen Fry

How many planets are there in the solar system?

Alan Davies

Nine.

Stephen Fry

Oh, sorry. Not again. [He holds up the ‘nine’ card.] Nine. Not the right answer, another forfeit of 10, I’m afraid. I’m afraid the answer is actually eight.

Alan Davies

I’m gonna write them down. You carry on.

Stephen Fry

Alright. Okay.

Alan Davies

Mars.

Stephen Fry

Yes, Mars is one.

Alan Davies

Pluto.

Stephen Fry

No.

Rich Hall

Here we go again.

Alan Davies

Pluto is a planet! It was discovered in the 1930s. It was the most recent planet to be discovered.

Stephen Fry

It was discovered by Clive Tombaugh in 1930 exactly, yes.

Bill Bailey

It’s a collection of gasses, it’s not actually...

Stephen Fry

It’s not a planet. By no criterion by which planets are judged could Pluto be said...

Alan Davies

It’s really, really big and it goes around the sun!

Stephen Fry

Yes, but it’s not really that big at all. It’s tiny.

Alan Davies

Well, that’s why it took so long to find! Don’t be hard on it cos it’s small!

Alan Davies

Is gay whispers like Chinese whispers

Stephen Fry

Much more fun, I assure you, much more fun.

Stephen Fry

Holmes was retired by this point, and was keeping bees on the Sussex Downs.

Alan Davies

Against their will?

Stephen Fry

What begins with A, has six Cs, and no Bs?

Clive Anderson

Is it the Welsh alphabet?

Alan Davies

I’ve got that in my pond, I get rid of it.

Stephen Fry

No. Think about how many people you kill by doing that. You might just as well go around with a pillow and just clamp them to old lady’s faces. You bastard.

Stephen Fry

What is the most boring place in Britain?

Jo Brand

Is it the Big Brother House?

Alan Davies

Charlton Heston played Michelangelo?

Stephen Fry

Yes, you know, and—

Alan Davies

The effete Italian homosexual?

Stephen Fry

Yes, that's the one, he was not effete—

Alan Davies

Played by the president of the gun club?

Stephen Fry

He was an athletic Italian homosexual-

Alan Davies

I thought he was a wussy one!

Stephen Fry

He may well have preferred man-on-man action, that doesn't mean he was Julian Clary! He was butch, like me!

Stephen Fry

How do otters kill crocodiles?

Rob Brydon

Softly with their songs.

Danny Baker

The fourth largest navy in the world, if one goes by boats alone? Disney. Disney has the fourth largest flotilla in the world.

Stephen Fry

Good God. They'll be making films next!

Alan Davies

How do you spell ribbit? Oh, like that.

Stephen Fry

That’s apparently how you spell it.

Alan Davies

No, that’s rabbit in New Zealand.

Stephen Fry

You could call the American Indians, or Native Americans, you could call them Aboriginals if you wanted.

Alan Davies

You could. But it’s more fun to call them redskins.

Stephen Fry

Yes. I wouldn’t try it though, in America.

Alan Davies

No.

Stephen Fry

You’d have your balls turned into a small purse.

Alan Davies

A very big purse, I think you’ll find.

Stephen Fry

What am I thinking?

Alan Davies

I’ll have my balls turned into a rucksack.

Alan Davies

I know that the stingray sucks food up from the sea bed.

Stephen Fry

Yeah, it’s more of a fish than an insect.

Alan Davies

It can locate and suck up food from a foot below the surface of the sea bed.

Stephen Fry

It’s what we in the gay community call a bottom feeder.

Alan Davies

Can I be in the gay community?

Stephen Fry

Oh, very well.

Alan Davies

Can I be an arthropod and in the gay community?

Stephen Fry

It’s a specialist area, but I’m sure there are many websites devoted to it.

Alan Davies

The gay arthropods.

Stephen Fry

The gay arthropods.

Sean Lock

They walk.

Stephen Fry

I'm sorry?

Sean Lock

Banana plants, whatever they're called, walk.

Stephen Fry

Nurse, nurse, he's out of bed again.

Sean Lock

...they do, they walk. I travelled to Colombia and went to a banana plantation and I was admiring this banana tree said "hold on a minute, what about this patch next to the tree and the man said "the banana trees they walk".

Stephen Fry

The intelligent voices in my head tell me you're absolutely right Sean, they do walk! They walk up to 40 centimetres in a lifetime.