Stephen Fry quotes from QI

Stephen Fry

You should read the books.

Alan Davies

I don’t have time to read the books. I haven’t read all yours yet.

Stephen Fry

It’s full of interesting stuff. For instance, Bond has these strange ideas, he has this idea that homosexuals can’t whistle, for example.

Alan Davies

Its cos they’ve got cock in their mouth.

Stephen Fry

I want you to go and stand in the corner.

Stephen Fry

If a lion mates with a tiger, you get a …?

Alan Davies

Scandal.

Stephen Fry

How do hedgehogs make love?

Alan Davies

Carefully!

Alan Davies

An old lady gave me a Kit Kat recently, and it tasted exactly like old lady’s cupboards. And I looked on the sell by date and it was 1998.

Stephen Fry

Oh, bless.

Are you using the phrase ‘old lady’s cupboards’ in any kind of euphemistic sense?

Stephen Fry

… which means they would in fact have recently visited Madrid, which is "MAD" … Bossy-er City, Louisiana …

Rich Hall

Oh!

Stephen Fry

… which is "BAD"—you're from Louisiana, aren't you?

Rich Hall

It's called Bossier City. [He pronounces it "Bojer".]

Stephen Fry

Bossier! I beg its appallingly insignificant pardon.

Stephen Fry

There’s a little bit of Alan in me. Is there any Alan in you?

Rich Hall

No. No.

Alan Davies

Do you want some?

Stephen Fry

It's in the Bible …

Alan Davies

I haven't read it!

Stephen Fry

You should—it's hilarious.

Stephen Fry

What, or which, is the largest living thing on earth?

Alan Davies

[determined] It is the blue whale!

Alan Davies

I had an ants nest in my flat once.

Stephen Fry

Did you? What did you do?

Alan Davies

Well, I was fairly stupid about it, because I saw an ant, I thought ‘there’s an ant in the flat’. And the next day I saw an ant and I thought ‘oh, there he is.’

Stephen Fry

It’s the same one?

Alan Davies

And this went on for a couple of weeks, and then one day I moved the telephone table, there’s loads of them there. They went, [gasps]. Hoovered them. Hoovered the lot of them.

Stephen Fry

No.

Stephen Fry

I'll give you an extra two points if you can tell me the longest fence in the world.

Phill Jupitus

The Great Fence of China!

Alan Davies

It's to keep people off the Great Wall.

Stephen Fry

There's a village in Nuremburg whose name means "eavesdropper" in German. Now, what did this village provide the whole world with for almost 100 consecutive Christmases?

Sean Lock

War criminals.

Stephen Fry

Oh, dear.

Sean Lock

[starts revolving his arm as though roasting on a spit] You know, the old tradition of roasting a war criminal.... With a glass of sherry... "Cheers, Mr Pumblechook!"

Stephen Fry

God in Heaven! Oh, Lord.

Sean Lock

Compliments of the season!

Stephen Fry

Did they...

Sean Lock

[German accent] "I was obeying orders!" [continues roasting on the spit while drinking deeply from a glass of sherry]

Stephen Fry

The answer is that none of them are the odd one out.

Phill Jupitus

What kind of hellish quiz is this? "Which one's the odd one out? None of them! Bahahaaa! Bahahaaa! …"

Stephen Fry

Is that meant to be me? [Phill was impersonating Stephen's braying laugh in his role in Blackadder Goes Forth as General Melchett.]

Phill Jupitus

That's you!

Stephen Fry

Oh, bugger you! I don't sound like that—bahahaaa, bahahaaa …

Stephen Fry

Which was the second species of animal for humans to domesticate after the dog?

Alan Davies

A cat.

Stephen Fry

No.

Alan Davies

Prove it!

Stephen Fry

Beetle-fanciers, as you probably know, are called—

Bill Bailey

Coleopterists.

Stephen Fry

Very good! Coleopterists. I'll give you five points for that.

Alan Davies

Press him on how the hell he knows that.

Bill Bailey

Well, when I was a child, I—

Stephen Fry

In Alan's world, knowing something is a kind of freakish, weird thing.

Bill Bailey

Welcome to my world of knowing! The wonderful world of looking up things in books!