Stephen Fry quotes from QI

Stephen Fry

What's the most dangerous thing you can find in doctors waiting rooms?

Matt Lucas

Ah, a copy of the Daily Telegraph.

Stephen Fry

It sounds odd, but a bear can't be wiped down.

Alan Davies

You've tried.

Stephen Fry

You can, obviously...

Alan Davies

You've wiped down a lot of bears, come on Stephen.

Stephen Fry

13.5% of hard toys...

Alan Davies

Don't google that whatever you do. Don't google hard toys. Don't google wiping down bears.

Ross Noble

Certainly no Winnie the Filthy Shit.

Stephen Fry

Who's having sex on your face right now?

Alan Davies

Bacteria. [To Lucy Porter] It’s usually bacteria, so go with me on this one.

Stephen Fry

They have no anuses.

Alan Davies

Ooohh, thank God for that!

Stephen Fry

Unfortunately Alan, unfortunately, the fact they have no anuses, means that when they die, a whole life time of waste is deposited on your face. That is what happens...

Ross Noble

Is this 14% of waste you can see?

Stephen Fry

No. But what...

Ross Noble

That's a lovely tan you've got there Stephen...

Matt Lucas

That we have less filings, maybe that's because we don't go to the dentist at all.

Stephen Fry

Fewer fillings.

Matt Lucas

Fewer fillings...

Stephen Fry

I'm being very silly.

Matt Lucas

Stephen?

Stephen Fry

Yes?

Matt Lucas

Knock, knock.

Stephen Fry

Who's there?

Matt Lucas

To.

Stephen Fry

To who?

Matt Lucas

No, it's "To whom?".

I know some actors who pretended to be gay to get out of conscription.

Stephen Fry

I've known more actors who pretended to be straight...

Stephen Fry

According to one contemporary report, 171,000 British troops visited the brothels in one street in Le Havre in just one year.

Jimmy Carr

Makes you proud, doesn't it?

Stephen Fry

How do all-female battles differ from all-male battles?

Alan Davies

They tidy up afterwards.

Stephen Fry

In Scouting for Boys...

Jimmy Carr

Sorry? Your hobby?

Stephen Fry

You're new to QI and I'd like to be merciful. But I'm not going to be.

Sami Shah

Alright, fair enough.

David Mitchell

It's really difficult to name a place after yourself, isn't it?

Stephen Fry

Yup, it is.

David Mitchell

The thing to do as an explorer is to get there and then ask your assistant explorers if they can think of a name while reminding them of how they got the job.

Stephen Fry

It is known to contain more tools than any other place on Earth.

Sue Perkins

Apart from Made in Chelsea.

Stephen Fry

I don't want to make hasty judgements about Pakistan, but...you’ve got the Taliban, hello?

Sami Shah

Yeah, but other than them, it's nice.

Alan Davies

But Stephen, the Naan! The Naan!

Stephen Fry

Alaska's state motto is North to the future. Don't know what that means, but there it is. They all have mottoes, these states, My favourite one is Kentucky. Kentucky's known, really, for two things.

Sue Perkins

Fried Chicken.

Stephen Fry

Well, apart from that. It's called The Bluegrass State, but it's Bourbon and The Kentucky Derby - the race. And somebody came up with a two-word phrase for Kentucky which encapsulates both those things which I think is rather brilliant.

Sue Perkins

Pissed Horses?

Stephen Fry

That would do it. No, it's Unbridled Spirit. Isn't that clever? Genuinely clever.

David Mitchell

Yeah. No, that's great. That absolutely shits on North to the Future.

Stephen Fry

[Laughing] It does, doesn't it? It's got to be said.

David Mitchell

Because if there's one place you do not want to head north from, it's Alaska. 'Cause there's fuck all of the world there. You want to go south! You want to see stuff... North to the Future maybe you'd say from Argentina.

Stephen Fry

Who gets the most use out of a man engine?

Alan Davies

A woman. [Laughter] Can't believe that [the forfeit klaxon] didn't go off.

Stephen Fry

Do you want to know what the forfeit was? [Deep voice] 'You do, Stephen.' I said, 'No! No-one's going to say that.' And you didn't.

Sue Perkins

We’ve moved beyond.