Stephen Fry quotes from QI

Stephen Fry

It captures an insect, sucks out its innards completely, and then wraps the empty shell in silk. And then gives it to the female, but by the time the female's unwrapped it, and discovered that as it were her box of chocolates is empty, he's already mated with her and scarpered.

Clive Anderson

[to the audience] Now, don't try this at home!

Stephen Fry

Now, what would you call someone who never laughs?

Alan Davies

[points towards the audience] That bloke.

Stephen Fry

[laughing] You're right. He hasn't cracked a smile the whole evening.

Alan Davies

He might be dead. Nudge him.

Stephen Fry

…There was an immediate controversy, 'cos they used baguettes. And so they weren't quite sure whether they were oriented in the same direction. It might have been a cross shape, which would have disqualified it as a sandwich, really, you can't have a sandwich baguettes crossing, can you?

Bill Bailey

How do you get to be involved in these competitions?

This is when we need Hugh Laurie on this show, isn't it?

Stephen Fry

He would explain it, exactly. If the script was put in front of him. He's a gibbering idiot without it.

Jack Dee

I was a goth for a while.

Stephen Fry

Were you?

Jack Dee

I was asked to leave, 'cos I was just too miserable.

Sue Perkins

You were bringing them down.

Alan Davies

I was an emu for a while.

Sue Perkins

When did the hand come out?

Jack Dee

What’s the difference between an emo and a goth? I missed that.

Alan Davies

One’s a flightless bird. The other one’s a horny headed vandal.

Stephen Fry

Alan, you're a zombie. You bite Jimmy. Jimmy, you're now a zombie, you bite Jack. Jack, Jack bites Mel, and so on.

Alan Davies

[pointing at Sue Perkins, who's rolling her eyes] Sue.

Stephen Fry

What?

Alan Davies

Sue!

Stephen Fry

[Realizes what he has said, buries his face in his hands]

Jimmy Carr

Stephen, ten points now if you know her name.

Sue Perkins

Is this the warm, personal touch that you get when you come to this show?

Stephen Fry

[bright red] I'm so ashamed! Oh Sue, I'm sorry.

Alan Davies

No-one noticed, Hugh.

Jimmy Carr

I think it's a trick question. Because you're a vegetarian. You wouldn't bite me, I don't think. You'd have a salad.

Alan Davies

I wouldn't consume you, but I would be prepared to kill you. Turn you into one of me.

Jimmy Carr

What, we'll all live in windmills and solve crime?

Alan Davies

I look like the character.

Stephen Fry

You do, actually.

Alan Davies

I'm not actually...

Stephen Fry

Where does the saying 'saved by the bell' come from?

Jack Dee

[hits his buzzer, then grimaces] Oh no, I know what's gonna happen now. It's gonna be, I'm gonna get the klaxon for this. Is it boxing? Is it a boxing reference?

Stephen Fry

Yes!

Jack Dee

Oh.

Alan Davies

Is it - is this where the bells gonna go off…

Sue Perkins

[whispering] Don't do it!

Alan Davies

...Is it going back to being buried alive?

Jimmy Carr

How can you get it wrong after he's got it right?

Alan Davies

People definitely did that in pubs when I was growing up.

Stephen Fry

They threw up in order to drink more?

Alan Davies

Yeah. Go outside, be sick on the pavement, shake their heads, go straight back to the bar.

Phill Jupitus

Oh yeah, the tactical chunder. Totally.

Alan Davies

Yeah. "I feel terrible. I'm gonna have to go and have a tactical chunder." Come back five minutes later: "I'm fine now!"

Stephen Fry

Hmm. Makes sense.

Alan Davies

Makes sense. Four quids worth of bitter in the gutter and carry on.

Stephen Fry

We should do this the Athenian way. We should offer Alan the chance - because I can say that Alan is coming last…

Alan Davies

It's one of my best features.

Jeremy Clarkson

How do you get wheat to mate?

Stephen Fry

Pollination.

Jeremy Clarkson

Yes, well, how does that happen?

Bill Bailey

You turn down the lights…

Alan Davies

Ask the barley to leave the room...

Stephen Fry

What's a Manhattan?

Bill Bailey

Red Bull. Red Bull and Egg nog.

Stephen Fry

They look straight cause they are straight.

Johnny Vegas

That's not a question! Why does this man look thin? Because he is. That is taking me on whole circle. My train of thought was: They look like this because they are. This is why I struggled in school.

Stephen Fry

It's the Q in QI...

Johnny Vegas

If a train travels at forty miles an hour and leaves at nine o'clock and arrives in Glasgow in twelve o'clock, how did it get there? And you're goin': 'Cause it did.

Stephen Fry

It's sort of that...

Johnny Vegas

It's not sort of that, its very confusing!

Stephen Fry

It's the Q in QI. Its going round in a circle but with a little wriggly bit at the end.

Johnny Vegas

Why does that look straight [holds up his notebook with a wriggly line drawn on.] Because it's not. That would have been a question. [Draws a straight line next to it] Why does that look straight? Because it is!

Stephen Fry

Sometimes...

Johnny Vegas

Because it is!

Stephen Fry

Sometimes things look...

Johnny Vegas

It’s straight!

Rob Brydon

I give you one theory and you look at me like I’m an ass!

Stephen Fry

I was just, I can’t...

Rob Brydon

No, you’ve done this before on this show!

David Mitchell

Is this radio...?

Rob Brydon

I haven’t said anything for a while.

Stephen Fry

Date of death?

Rob Brydon

August 16th, 1977.

David Mitchell

It’s like Radio 2 in the middle of the night!