Stephen Fry quotes from QI

David Mitchell

What a weird, unsettling thing to discover that would be, in the context of the credit crunch and everything, suddenly to discover that Rodney Bewes was immortal. Just imagine, on the news, them going: "And today it emerged that actor Rodney Bewes has been alive for as long as time."

Graham Norton

Given the things that we're talking about, or pretending to know what we're talking about, I actually really don't know who Rodney Bewes is.

Stephen Fry

I have to say, the whole point about QI, right, is that the rest of the world talks about cultural things, reality TV and pop stars and Rodney Bewes… and we talk about Leonardo. And what you've done [motions towards Graham] by coming on is we started - no, you actually. [turns to point at Alan] We started talking about Leonardo and we've arrived at Rodney Bewes! That's the wrong direction!

Graham Norton

I didn't even know who he was!

Stephen Fry

How old are you?

Graham Norton

[flirtatiously] How old do I look?

Alan Davies

[flirtatiously] How old do I feel?

David Mitchell

Just shows you the effect of this game, though. You ask a question, all four of us think: "That is something I definitely know the answer to, but I've been made so uncertain, and frightened about that, [motions behind himself - referring to the klaxon] that I'm not even willing to give my own age, name, or address".

Dara Ó Briain

How can it be a trap? How can this possibly be a trap? I AM thirty-seven. Look! [hits the buzzer - Dublin, Ó Briain] Thirty-seven! There we go. No points lost...

Dara Ó Briain

BUT THAT'S NOT WRONG!

David Mitchell

DON'T ACCEPT IT: YOU ARE!

Dara Ó Briain

I actually am!

Graham Norton

We should all do it.

David Mitchell

Yeah, alright. [hits the buzzer - Peterhouse, Mitchell] 34.

Stephen Fry

34, eh?

David Mitchell

34.

Stephen Fry

[to Graham] You don't want to do this, do you?

Graham Norton

No, I'll do it. [hits the buzzer - Cork, Norton] Graham Norton, 46.

Alan Davies

I'm not doing it...

Stephen Fry

How many brains did the the man with two brains have?

Alan Davies

…Two?

Stephen Fry

Yes! That's brilliant!

David Mitchell

[Banging both fists on the table] It's so cruel!

Stephen Fry

He's wise enough to spot a double bluff!

David Mitchell

It's just the technique of the bully! You hit us! And then you go: [with appropriate mimicry] "Oh, you thought I was going to hit you! I wouldn't hit you. I'm not going to hit you. This is my hand to stroke you." And we go: "Aargh, aargh, he's stroking us!"

Stephen Fry

But even more extraordinary is the word 'girl'. Right up until mid 15th century...

Alan Davies

Boys were called girls?

Stephen Fry

Yes.

Alan Davies

They were!?

Stephen Fry

All children... You're having to rethink everything, aren't you?

Alan Davies

This is the most extraordinary episode yet!

Sandi Toksvig

I, I like pink. 'Pink makes the boys wink'. And I think that's right. I've known boys who've been complete winkers. Marvellous thing, pink.

Jack Dee

I, uh, sorry. [rings in] Bit sexist, wasn't that.

Sandi Toksvig

[leans forward] Now, Jack, I've only just started. This is the beginning, my dear.

Jack Dee

I'm gonna come down you like a…

Stephen Fry

Hello!

Jack Dee

…ton of bricks.

Sandi Toksvig

[nonchalantly] Would be the first boy in my life to have done so.

Stephen Fry

They can get a man on the moon, but they can't get one on Sandi.

Sandi Toksvig

Is it because women are just not funny?

Stephen Fry

[gasps]

Ronni Ancona

[imitating deep Southern woman] Now, that's right, but we're good at other things, we're good at raisin' kittens and knittin' cakes!

Sandi Toksvig

It feels extraordinary to sit next to a women...

Stephen Fry

Oh, hello.

Jack Dee

Is it because once they start they never shut up?

Alan Davies

Friend of ours had a baby in Thailand. English couple. And the Thai woman said to her: "If you look lovely when you pregnant, you will have girl. If you look tired and ugly, dress badly, you will have boy." And she said: "What do you think I'm gonna have?" "Boy."

Stephen Fry

[laughing] Outrageous!

Alan Davies

And she did!

Rob Brydon

Now, the socks that man in the middle is wearing, very long socks, and just out of interest for you, that’s something that I’ve turned to recently. I now favour the longer sock.

Stephen Fry

Do you? Can you take me through your reasoning?

Rob Brydon

Yes, I can, I’ll show you. [He slowly pulls up his trouser leg.] The gentleman’s sock. Now Jo, you as a lady, you’re gonna think this sock is gonna stop a lot sooner than it does. So watch this. Look at that. Surely you’ve reached the peak. Surely we’ve peaked.

Stephen Fry

Oh, my word! He’s wearing tights!

Rob Brydon

Can I say, not so much for Jo, but Stephen, Alan and Sean, I urge you to give it a go. Because it gives you a feeling of security.

Jo Brand

They do make you look like a nob-head.

Stephen Fry

What happens in Germany at 11:11 on the 11th of November every year?

Alan Davies

[completely deadpan] Everything carries on as normal.

Phill Jupitus

What does she show in Blockbuster...?

Stephen Fry

A twenty pound note.

Stephen Fry

Now, tell me about the "Great Disappointment".

Jo Brand

Have you been talking to my husband?

Stephen Fry

Why are so many great men short?

David Mitchell

[doubtfully] Are they really?

Stephen Fry

David, David. You've hit the nail on the head. Rem acu tetigisti, as they would say in latin.

David Mitchell

…I'm sure they would.

Sean Lock

It means: 'Nice one, son'.

David Mitchell

It's gone off already, I mean, cheese basically, hasn't it?

Stephen Fry

That's it's point, exactly. It is the celebration of what happens when milk goes off big time styley.

Sean Lock

It should just: you should work for the milk marketing mob. Get some lovely "English milk gone off big time styley". "I'll have a 'milk gone off big time styley and tomato sandwich' please." That's a brilliant description!

Stephen Fry

'Heightism' does exist. Short people are paid less on average than tall people. The disparity is comparable in magnitude to race and gender.

Alan Davies

They should rise up.

Stephen Fry

Yeah… Hey!

Stephen Fry

Name and shame the worlds cheapest cheapskate.

[rings in] Was it Diogenes the Cynic?

Stephen Fry

…Wow.

Jimmy Carr

You've seen this show before, haven't you? I think I'm slightly aroused.

Alan Davies

I can confirm 'slightly'.