Stephen Fry quotes from QI

Stephen Fry

Einigkeit und Recht und Freiheit für das deutsche Vaterland! Danach lasst uns alle streben Brüderlich mit Herz und Hand!

Phill Jupitus

I have an erection.

Stephen Fry

And what are the symptoms of taking E? Do you know, Clive?

Clive Anderson

Um, I don't know, I haven't taken it myself. I've given ecstasy, but not …

Stephen

And who are the most dangerous cars driven by in the world?

Oh, are we talking about men or women, children, babies, dogs...

Stephen

No, nationalities. The most dangerous cars are green apparently, and driven by the Chinese.

Alan Davies

...called tanks.

Stephen Fry

What would you find in the middle of a pearl??

Alan Davies

An oyster.

Jeremy Clarkson

[Whilst audience are laughing] No.

Stephen

[Surprised voice] You find an oyster in the middle of a pearl?!

I was going "I wonder what happens if you put your foot in that?" and [claps hands] BOOM! It's got a sort of velvety, soft, rather comfortable place to get stuck.

Stephen

Doesn't it start ingesting it and squirting enzymes at your foot?

I was more worried by the meter saying how much air I had left in the tanks.

Stephen

Aren't you supposed to have a buddy when you dive?

Oh, I did. That was my wife, she had buggered off.

Stephen Fry

There was a time when all the elevator cables were sheared off in the Empire State Building. Do you know about this story?

Clive Anderson

Yeah, there was a giant ape on the side of it.

Stephen Fry

What happens if an ear wig gets into your ear?

David Mitchell

It gets into your brain, and it stays there, and you form a sort of symbiotic relation with it. It happened to me 20 years ago, and we've never been happier!

Alan Davies

If you cut their whiskers off, they can get their head stuck in a milk bottle, I know that.

Stephen Fry

...from experience?

Alan Davies

They will try, if you put something at the bottom like a bit of tuna.

David Mitchell

And if they do actually manage it, you end up with a lovely bottled cat! That you can take to a party. "I couldn't decide red or white, so I brought a cat."

Alan Davies

I was the elephant in the room!

Stephen Fry

I know, it was brilliant.

Alan Davies

It was brilliant!

Stephen Fry

So that's the Cameroon's Eton tribe. They have other ethnic groups called the Bum, the Bang, the Banana, the Mang, the Fang, the Tang, the Wum, the Wam, the War, and, of course, the Pongo.

Sean Lock

Who discovered this tribe, Benny Hill?

Alan Davies

We had a Jimmy Glasscock at school.

Stephen Fry

Oh, did you?

Alan Davies

Yeah, you could always see when he was coming.

Stephen Fry

What is pink, has pendulous breasts, gets sailors all excited and tastes of prime beef? [as Jimmy rings in] Yes?

Jimmy Carr

Was Princess Margaret buried at sea?

Stephen Fry

It was before Haile Selassie, there was an emperor...

Jimmy Carr

Lowly Selassie.

Jimmy Carr

Oh! Is it the Island of Reluctant but Inevitable Homosexuality? [laughter] I think I recognise it from that school trip that went horribly wrong …

Stephen Fry

Lord of the Undone Flies.

Stephen Fry

And how are you eating yours, Alan?

Alan Davies

By hand.

Stephen Fry

Do you know, the thing is, Alan gets 20 points, because that’s how Neopolitans eat spaghetti. They lean back and drop it into their mouths by hand.

Jimmy Carr

That’s not fair! Alan thinks mashed potatoes are finger food!