Stephen Fry quotes from QI

Stephen Fry

Where is the best place to be when a nuclear bomb goes off?

Jimmy Carr

I would've gone with downtown Nagasaki. Because what are the chances of that happening again? You've got to play the odds.

Stephen Fry

What could you make with an ultrasound rectal probe, a light-emitting tube, bicycle helmets, protective clothing, a huge tub of Vaseline, and a wheel-barrow?

Jimmy Carr

I could make you the happiest man alive.

Stephen Fry

How does a love bomb work?

Rob Brydon

I turn up and I get on with it. (Applause.) Is a love bomb a bottom noise that can be made whilst you’re making lo...you know, sometimes you’re... and then all of a sudden, you know that noise, it’s really awkward and you pretend you haven’t heard it?

Stephen Fry

Rob? Rob, can I remind you of something? Your father is in the audience.

Rob Brydon

He’s happy to go ‘that’s my boy! You’re putting Wales on the map, Robert!’

Stephen Fry

How do they ingest their blood? What do they do?

Alan Davies

They bite and sniff it up. Swallow it. Lick it. Slurp it. Hide it. Store it. Decant it.

Stephen Fry

Decant it!?

Stephen Fry

Where is the biggest load of rubbish in the world?

France.

Stephen Fry

Now the atmosphere is completely: um, what's the word I'm looking for?

Alan Davies

Electric?

Stephen Fry

Now, question one, I think. I'm naked; it's pouring down with rain. Can you give me a good reason why I should crouch down with my bottom in the air? [Jo immediately rings in; Stephen is already laughing.] Jo.

Jo Brand

Stephen, I wouldn't have thought you'd need a good reason.

Stephen Fry

It's between three and six, actually, it's not very many.

Alan Davies

Four or five.

Stephen Fry

You’re not doing badly, I must say. A fulsome pair of funbags there.

Jo Brand

You know what? That was almost heterosexual.

Alan Davies

But it wasn’t though, was it?

Johnny Vegas

It was for, er, putting in mattresses, for monks, as, er, an anti-masturbation sound trigger device …

Stephen Fry

Johnny Vegas, take some points!

Johnny Vegas

You're jokin'!

Johnny Vegas

My dad killed my pet rabbit and fed it to me.

Stephen Fry

Did he?! [kindly] Perhaps he was trying to kill you, Johnny.

Stephen Fry

When did rabbits arrive in Britain?

Alan Davies

Tuesday.

Stephen Fry

Do you remember what year it was?

Alan Davies

3000 years ago. Tuesday morning.

Stephen Fry

Where do you put your ladder if you want it to go into space?

Rich Hall

On top of a spaceship. With a flag hanging on it, so other spaceships don't follow you too closely.

Bill Bailey

It's a conceptual question. How about this: Up against the wall of silence.

Stephen Fry

You should have railings build around you and people come and worship you as a kind of modern Buddha. You've got the look, I have to say.

Bill Bailey

Oh, thank you very much.

Stephen Fry

Buddha look.

Bill Bailey

Rural Buddha [in a West Country accent] Wisdom...and cheap cider.

Bill Bailey

How about this: You could just...imagine.

Stephen Fry

Oh Bill, that is so beautiful.

Bill Bailey

'Tis the wisdom of the rural Buddha.

Sean Lock

The Dalai Farmer.

Stephen Fry

The male member would be slightly smaller in space. 'Cause blood pressure is lower.

Rich Hall

In space, no one can hear you apologize.

David Mitchell

Edward VII took a lot of mercury.

Stephen Fry

I think he might have done.

David Mitchell

I thought it was for constipation. A very literal way of treating it. Drink a heavy liquid, force the poo down. Alternative would be, stand on your hands and have a lot of helium.