Carlton Lassiter quotes from Psych

Juliet

It's The Courier. It's not even a real newspaper and besides, nobody reads the paper these days anyway.

Lassiter

Why didn't you stop me?

Juliet

I don't know, I guess I was busy RSVP'ing my invitation to shut it.

Lassiter

Sorry about that.

Juliet

Carlton, you can't solve a case in four minutes.

Lassiter

Can't I? I think I can. I've seen it done.

Juliet

Not by you.

Lassiter

Thanks for that.

Juliet

[referring to a missing person] We found his car.

Lassiter

Wow! Nice! I'm still kind of talking to the sea trash.

Juliet

It's in the parking lot!

Lassiter

This parking lot?

Juliet

Yes!

Lassiter

There's a piercing in the skin.

Juliet

There are lots of them. It's a shark attack.

Juliet

Look at this letter I found in The Courier from last month.

Lassiter

The Courier? No. I would rather French kiss a hobo than read anything in that rag.

Juliet

Wow. A simple "I don't like the writing" would have made your point.

Lassiter

I'm sorry O'Hara. That paper is not allowed in this station.

Juliet

So you are going to ignore a clue because you don’t like a reporter?

Lassiter

Hate! Hate is the word, O'Hara. And yes. No good can be found in that paper, except maybe the obituary of reporter Chad Gorsuch.

Juliet

Really?

Lassiter

An untimely death. Self-inflicted and painful, later to be referred to as "gorsuching yourself." No! He's on a respirator and dying slowly. Wow, that was very therapeutic. I actually feel quite better. What do you got?

Lassiter

You are free to believe what you want.

Shawn

Please don't say that to Gus. Now he'll just tell you that Michael Jackson isn't dead.

Gus

He learned how to fake his death from Lisa Marie.

Shawn

Which implies that Elvis is still alive.

Gus

Elvis died two years ago. Is there no end to your gullibility? I told you that two years ago. He was a cashier in the shoe shop, Shawn.

Juliet

You need to stop taking your frustration with Shawn out on Henry.

Lassiter

Better him than the neighbor's cat. [lets Henry out of the locked police car]

Henry

I coulda suffocated in there!

Lassiter

Please, I cracked a window!

Henry

I'm glad Shawn peanut buttered your phone the other day!

Lassiter

I knew that was him!

Juliet

GUYS!

Lassiter

I still have Jif in my ear...

Lassiter

Come on chief, let me run with this one.

Henry

[seated in a corner] What if we let them work together? Separately, but together?

Shawn

[pointing at Henry] That lonely bald guy in the corner makes no sense.

Gus

Am I the only person that's freaked out he's been sitting there the whole time?

Lassiter

What the hell are you wearing, Spencer?

Shawn

[disguised] I ain't Spencer; I'm Soupcan Sam.

Lassiter

She's obviously meeting a new boy toy. Maybe one even younger than the last.

Gus

Younger? Who do you think she's meeting with, Justin Bieber?

Lassiter

You're not going anywhere because you're not on this case.

Shawn

Understood. DAAAAAD!

Henry

They're on this case.

Lassiter

Henry!

Lassiter

What do you two know about street racing anyway?

Shawn

Only what we learned from The Fast and The Furious. So... everything.

Lassiter

I don't collect dolls.

You look like the kind of guy who does.

Gus

[to Lassiter, after pulling him over] Have you been drinking, sir?

Lassiter

That's it!

Shawn

Sir, if you don't calm down I will be forced to tase you in the face.

Lassiter

You don't have a taser.

Shawn

All right. Can I get out of here? I've just about solved this case.

Lassiter

ONE question.

Shawn

If it will make you happy.

Lassiter

I think it will. [Pause] Are you psychic?

Shawn

Excuse me?

Lassiter

Are you, Shawn Spencer, psychic?

Henry

You're gonna have to answer that one, Shawn.