Carlton Lassiter quotes from Psych

Lassiter

Do you think he gets his jollies by taking pictures of your ding dong?!

Lassiter

Spencer, you realize you are the second to last person I want to be speaking to right now.

Lassiter

I'd rather shower with a bear.

Lassiter

I'm not big on nude handshakes.

Lassiter

(After almost being ran over by a plane) Arrest that fat kid!

Lassiter

Guster, you have to wake up to the real world: people have sex and kill each other. That's the real world. Not some magical "feelings" place.

Lassiter

I have an educated guess... that's 100% accurate. Officer Conforth here froze like the North Pole, because when some men look danger in the eye they blink... repeatedly... like they're staring into the sun.

Lassiter

If I weren't a cop,I would shoot him in a dark alley and leave evidence suggesting certain people were behind it.... And when I say I, I mean a fake, imaginary detective to be played by Powers Boothe.

Lassiter

Partners do not lie to each other, because partners put their lives in each other's hands.

Lassiter

O'Hara, you can tell me, are you carrying Spencer's unborn demon seed?

Lassiter

She's guilty as Mrs. O'Leary's cow.

Lassiter

You solved all these crimes - what was it - watching the local channel 8 news reports?

Shawn

All right, I confess, that's not true. Sometimes I watch channel 5. I prefer channel 8. The weather girl? Adorable.

Lassiter

So you're telling us that you can read guilt off of TV interviews?

Shawn

Can't you?

Shawn

I got the information because...I'm psychic.

Lassiter

Get him out of here!

Shawn

Oh boy! (Leans against the door, looks at Officer Allen) Your grandmother would be so proud.

You spoke to her?

Shawn

I did. She's safe, comfortable. She wants you to stop spending all your money on those charlatans.

The palm readers?

Shawn

The palm readers.

Okay, just to be clear, um, you're claiming to be a psychic, Mr. Spencer.

Shawn

(Moves his hands around until one is pointing at Lassiter and the other at Barry) How else would I know that you two are sleeping together? 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3, 1... (Turns to Officer McNab) When's the wedding?

May 3rd - wait, how'd you know?

Shawn

I'm getting dance lessons for a wedding reception and you are getting good!

Wow. That's amazing!

Lassiter

Oh come on, who is buying this!

Lassiter

Don't you try and trivialize police work.

Shawn

I think you're doing a bang-up job of that all by yourself.

Lassiter

You have a criminal record.

Shawn

I was 18.

Lassiter

Oh, 18? Well that makes it okay, let me just scratch this out.