Major Monogram quotes from Phineas and Ferb

Sir, you're crushing my spirit.

Major Monogram

Yes. Yes I am.

View quote →

Major Monogram

So, we need you to investigate, Agent P. Monogram out. Carl, fade out! [Carl pushes a button on a remote which turns the room pitch black, and the only things visible are the eyes of Agent P, Carl and Major Monogram] You can go now, Agent P. [he does so] Okay, Carl. You can turn the lights back on. Carl? [man laughing manically] Stop it, Carl!

That wasn't me!

View quote →

[with high-pitched voice] Uh, I'm gonna go sign for the package.

Major Monogram

Carl, your voice just got squeaky! I know that squeaking!

Where do I sign?

Major Monogram

CARL, WHAT ARE YOU NOT TELLING ME?!

[with normal voice] Sir, Agent P doesn't have his tools. I took them out to clean and repair them.

Major Monogram

Something inside me just... broke.

View quote →

Major Monogram

Enter. Agent P, we have a situation.

Is this about that grape joke? Who told on me? Was it the duck?!

Major Monogram

That's not why I called you in. Get a look at this! This is Newton the Gnu. He was assigned to Dr. Diminutive, but it appears that some bonehead blew his cover on the blogosphere. We still haven't found out who it was. In the meantime, We need you to bring him in. Get on it, Agent P! Oh, and, uh, take Doofenshmirtz with you.

A ride-along? Sweet! I can wear my new fedora!

Major Monogram

Get out of here! [Doofenshmirtz and Perry leave, then Carl is seen with a mail cart] Carl, get in here! When you're done delivering the mail, I want you to wash and wax my car. You know, a little wax on, wax off? It'll teach you karate.

No, it won't.

View quote →

Major Monogram

Come in. Sit down, Agent P. We have a serious problem. It seems that someone, and I'm not saying who, someone has spilled on the couch in the lobby.

Sir, I-

Major Monogram

A very expensive couch when we bought it in 1985.

Sir, all I did was turn the cushion over, the stain was already...

Major Monogram

If the responsible party is present...

Sir, it was Agent M. He spilled a latte in 1990.

Major Monogram

Ugh. We were hoping to get him here a couple of years out of that couch...

Any who?

Major Monogram

Any who, our surveillance operatives have been getting some mixed signals from Doofenshmirtz. He was observed at the Danville Library, checking out books on Eastern Australia and hydrostatic cell fusion. We haven't come up with any ideas about what he's up to.

Maybe he's trying to recreate Pangaea, sir.

Major Monogram

Like I said, we haven't come up with anything yet.

View quote →

ECEvil Carl

You fool! Without Agent P's paw print, I can't unlock the computer! And without the computer, I can't take over the Tri-State AREA!

Major Monogram

Nice recap.

ECEvil Carl

[yelling very loudly at Major Monogram who's in prison cell] QUIET BACK THERE! YOU. Which-inator zapped him?!

You know, ah... I really am clueless.

ECEvil Carl

About the -inator, or just in general?

I'm not sure I understand the question.

ECEvil Carl

Bah, I'll have to untangle this mess myself.

View quote →

CCarl (No Longer Evil, but Good)

Sir, there's something I still don't get. I'm absolutely positive Agent P got hit with the Go Home-inator. So, why did he end up in Africa of all places?

Major Monogram

His family.

Sir?

Major Monogram

They were here in Africa. Home is where the heart is, Carl.

True, sir.

[loud crash]

Major Monogram

Don't touch anything!

Doofenshmirtz

I didn't!

View quote →

Major Monogram?

Major Monogram

Yes, Carl?

I-I want you to meet my cousin Larry.

Major Monogram

W-W-W-Wait! You got out of the vent, found your cousin, and brought him back in here?

Well I didn't have to find him, we had a lunch date. He was waiting for me-

Major Monogram

Why on earth would you bring him back into the vent?!

Cause I wanted you to meet him!

LLarry

Plus I really like vents.

Major Monogram

Mutual, I'm sure.

View quote →

Major Monogram

Don't worry, Kelly. I am totally down for being second banana.

Doofenshmirtz

Well, first of all, that's a little sad. But, second of all, technically, you would be third banana. It would go: Kelly, and then me, and then you. And, ih, I would be second banana.

KOKelly Osbourne

Nobody is a banana, because there are no bananas!

Major Monogram

Yes, we have no bananas!

View quote →

Major Monogram

Monty, is that you?! With the daughter of my sworn enemy?! It can't be! [Walks up to the Pimpernel next to Vanessa] Alright, Monty, you've got a lot of explaining to—

Stacy

Oh, hello, Mr. Water and Power Guy.

Major Monogram

I, uh, better check the...uh...thing. Yes. [leaves]

Vanessa

Thanks, Stacy! I owe you!

Stacy

No thanks are necessary for that darned elusive Pimpernel.

View quote →

[The O.W.C.A. animal agents are having their graduation ceremony on one side of the Knights of Danville Hall ballroom as well as the L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N. evil scientists are having their disservice awards in the other, and are all sharing the same space with the divider in the middle]

Major Monogram

[closes the divider after seeing Doofenshmirtz] Huh. What are the odds?

[opens the divider] Wait, you're the Capulet Bar Mitzvah?

Major Monogram

You're the Hatfield Wedding? [the animal agents and evil scientist all make angry looks at each other, preparing to brawl] Alright, everyone, take it easy. Just calm down. No reason to get upset. We've got a massive security deposit on this place. So, everybody just...

PParrot

[squawks] Polly wants a street-fight!

[They all charge at each other and break out in a western-style brawl]

MMan

[enters the ballroom and the fighting screeches to a stop as everybody looks at him] Hup. Sorry to interrupt. I'll come back when you're done. [leaves and the brawl resumes]

Major Monogram

We are so gonna lose our deposit.

View quote →

[Irving works as a new intern at the OWCA headquarters, taking over from now Commander Carl, heard a beeping sound and wipes the dust covering Dr. Doofenshmirtz's picture in the Evil Scientist Alert System.]:

Irving

Sir, it's the old Evil Scientist Alert System! It's showing "-inator" activity on a Doctor... Dooferd...

Doofenshmirtz? Great googly moogly! I thought he'd given up his evil ways when we placed him as a high school science teacher. It's too bad Monogram isn't around to see this.

Irving

Well, sir, he's gone to a better place.

Yeah. [self-reflecting as the music starts to fade] Oh what the heck, I'm calling him!

[Carl dials the telephone, and calls a now retired Major Monogram who is on vacation]

Monogram

[responds to the telephone call while relaxing] Monogram...

How've you been, sir?

Monogram

Carl! I'm great. Bora Bora really is a better place. How have you been, man?

I've been well. Guess who's just set off the "-inator" alert?

Monogram

Doofenshmirtz?

Yeah.

Monogram

[chuckles on the news] Just like old times. Well, tell him "Hi" from me.

Of course!

View quote →

Major Monogram

Good morning, Agent P. I know you've been on venomous insectoid robot duty for the last nine months, but I have good news! Well, news. We suspect that Doofenshmirtz is back to his evil ways. And by "suspect", I mean he emailed us.

He also updated his social media status to "evil again".

[A screenshot of Doof's Instagram with the caption "evil again" appears on the screen]

Major Monogram

Yes, it's all very alarming, Agent P...

[Pan away from the monitor, where it's seen that Perry has immediately left his lair]

Boy, he's fast.

View quote →

[as Perry crashes onto the floor next to his chair while entering his lair; dusting] Sorry, Agent P. I was cleaning your lair and forgot to move your chair back.

[Perry picks himself up, badly bruised, and chatters annoyingly at Carl for that]

Major Monogram

You know how Agent P feels about his chair-- [falls over, backwards; grunting] Carl, where's my chair?!

I had to clean your area, too, sir.

Major Monogram

Curse your furniture-based shenanigans, Carl!