Dr. Doofenshmirtz quotes from Phineas and Ferb

Major Monogram

Enter. Agent P, we have a situation.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

Is this about that grape joke? Who told on me? Was it the duck?!

Major Monogram

That's not why I called you in. Get a look at this! This is Newton the Gnu. He was assigned to Dr. Diminutive, but it appears that some bonehead blew his cover on the blogosphere. We still haven't found out who it was. In the meantime, We need you to bring him in. Get on it, Agent P! Oh, and, uh, take Doofenshmirtz with you.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

A ride-along? Sweet! I can wear my new fedora!

Major Monogram

Get out of here! [Doofenshmirtz and Perry leave, then Carl is seen with a mail cart] Carl, get in here! When you're done delivering the mail, I want you to wash and wax my car. You know, a little wax on, wax off? It'll teach you karate.

Carl

No, it won't.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

[notices Vanessa feeling very depressed after breaking up with her boyfriend Johnny on the phone] So, what's wrong, Vanessa? You seem upset.

Vanessa

Nothing. It's just..... Johnny, he's such a boy. I'm sick of it! No ambition, no depth....

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

You always go for the wrong type of guys, these bad boy types.

Vanessa

[smiles] Dad, perhaps you haven't noticed, but you're evil. [hugs him]

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

Hey, there's good evil and there's bad evil. Am I right, Rodrigo?

Exactly. [makes a crazy face at Vanessa, who then smiles at him]

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

[meeting his inner self] Hey, you look a little familiar.

I should. I'm the inner you.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

Inner me? Are you the one who's been making the good -inators?!

I was tryin' to HELP YOU, YOU FAGGOT!?

Uh-oh.

Phineas

Oops.

That's it, just a little more. Not so hard, you'll over-tighten it! Like your brain! Now, let's get a glimpse at what this baby can do. [Cake-inator fires]

Ferb

Well least things could get anyworse.

Ugh, dude, what the >BLEEP< happened?! Dude, is this cake?! [Hug-inator fires]

The cake is hugging us!

Don't worry, it's not so bad! We can eat our way out! [Confetti-inator fires] Ugh! I can't eat it now, it's covered in paper!

Phineas

Why not?! [An angrily Doofenshmirtz and his inner self seeing Perry flying away after he destroys the three -inators]

And please join me in welcoming the winners of the Danville Young Film Makers contest, Phineas and Ferb!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

Aw, crud.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

I mean, you destroy the Tri-State Area and what are you ruler of? Rubble. And where's the panache? The je ne sais quoi?

He's an amateur.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

I'm not talking to you!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

Aw man, you know I made a Move-A-Bunch-Of-Inator-inator at one point, this would have been really good time to use it. I don't know how that slipped my min-

Carl

ENOUGH OF YOUR MINDLESS, PRATTLE MINION, SHOW ME MY-INATORS!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

Okay, okay, sheesh. Testy. First of all is the disintegrator-inator which-

Carl

Weak.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

Okay, then we also have the Galaxy-inator which-

Carl

Weak.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

The Deresinator

Carl

Weak.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

The Over-Hang-in-

Carl

Weak.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

The Upper-decker-

Carl

Weak.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

The Pickle-slicer-

Carl

Weak.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

The stand-and-

Carl

Weak.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

The Boar-

Carl

Weak.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

The-

Carl

Weak.

You fool! Without Agent P's paw print, I can't unlock the computer! And without the computer, I can't take over the Tri-State AREA!

Major Monogram

Nice recap.

[yelling very loudly at Major Monogram who's in prison cell] QUIET BACK THERE! YOU. Which-inator zapped him?!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

You know, ah... I really am clueless.

About the -inator, or just in general?

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

I'm not sure I understand the question.

Bah, I'll have to untangle this mess myself.

Sir, there's something I still don't get. I'm absolutely positive Agent P got hit with the Go Home-inator. So, why did he end up in Africa of all places?

Major Monogram

His family.

Carl

Sir?

Major Monogram

They were here in Africa. Home is where the heart is, Carl.

Carl

True, sir.

Major Monogram

Don't touch anything!

Doofenshmirtz

I didn't!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

Oh, I'm sorry. Is this Studio A?

No, this is Studio- Hey, wait a second. You just wanted to get into this episode, didn't you?

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

What?! No! No!

Yes, you did!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

Yes, I did.

Get out!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

Okay. But, I can totally read that faster than you.

Out!

Okay, okay, grumpy.

Batteries not included.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

Batteries not included!

OUT!

Phineas

Oops! [Shocked] It's going to blow!

Linda

Everybody duck! [The Disney logo ragingly explodes as the raging narrator shouts at Doofenshmirtz to get out, ending the episode.]

Pizza- [loud crash as Agent P's jetpack crashes in the theater, sending the woman and Rodney flying off the stage] AAH!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

Pizza delivery!

[impressed by Doofenshmirtz's performance] What an entrance!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

He was always kicking sand in my face. When I was in the sandbox: sand. My first date: sand! Balancing my checkbook: sand! The beach- Oddly enough nothing. But I couldn't relax, because I kept waiting for it.

Norm

Well, Boris owns a car dealership now, and declined to appear on this show. But he did send some sand! [A huge mound of sand falls on Doofenshmirtz]

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

Well, at least he cared enough to do that.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

Oh, Balloony, I missed you so mu- [Balloony pops] BALLOONY!

Norm

[Laughs] We're just having fun with you! That wasn't the real Balloony.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

[Crying] It wasn't?

Norm

No, of course not. The real Balloony popped three weeks ago. [Doofenshmirtz resumes crying]

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

Wait, no, no! Don't open the door; you'll let in Perry the Platypus!

Vanessa

You know he'll just blow the door down if you don't open it. [opens door revealing Perry holding a bazooka] Come in, Perry. Toodles!

Doofenshmirtz

I'm worried about her, Perry the Platypus. [turns his head to Perry] Hey! You were going to to blow down my door! [Perry puts the bazooka down gently, but accidentally blows up Doofenshmirtz's wall by mistake, much to Doofenshmirtz's anger and to Perry's embarrassment]

You gonna eat those fries?

Doofenshmirtz

Don't touch! Anyway, I've got a little math quiz for the both of you. If a train carrying Precious Albert the Moose left British Columbia at eight o'clock in the morning, going 80 miles per hour, what time would it arrive at the Canada Day celebration? Answer? Never! Because I've tied up the conductor, and taken control of the train using my remote control Train-Operator-inator! Right now we are all headed to my scheme exchange partner's secret fortress. [Lyla reaches for the fries again] Hey cut it out, those are mine. Seriously, I can get the waiter over here if you want to order own, but please?

This evil exchange partner of yours, what his name?

Doofenshmirtz

I think his name was Sir Railing, or Doctor Stairway, or something.

Professor Bannister! Of course, my arch-nemesis. Can I put some gravy on those?

Doofenshmirtz

Seriously, leave my lunch alone. Anyway, after Professor Banister gets the moose, it's going to ruin Canada Day, or you know, whatever. Crazy, right?

You know what's really crazy? How good these fries are.

Doofenshmirtz

I am not kidding, leave those alone. I just don't understand it, why do you take my lunch, when you're in the dining car you can have your own lunch. Oh, it makes me crazy when people pick at my food. [Lyla winks at Perry, and Perry understands] Seriously, why is your hand out like that? I am seriously going to lose it. [Perry joins in taking more fries] Aw, now you're both doing it?! Stop it! Stop it! Aah! Oh no, not even taking them but just squishing them! I can't take it! [Stands up angrily on the table] GET YOUR OWN LUNCH!' [Everyone on the train silently looks at Doofenshmirtz for a long pauses out]

Linda

Easy, Doofenshmirtz. Easy.

That man is causing such a scene, it makes me feel free to break up with you in a VERY LOUD MANNER!

I can't stand being a waiter!

Excuse me, conductor? [Doofenshmirtz walks over] You know the train doesn't seem to be stopping at any of the scheduled stations.

Doofenshmirtz

Is that a fact? My apologies, straphanger. Wait, which one was your stop?

The next one.

Doofenshmirtz

Oh, don't be concerned, step right this way. [The Man and Doofenshmirtz are standing at a door] So, your wife cooking dinner tonight?

Oh, yes. We're having asparagus tips.

Doofenshmirtz

Asparagus tips, very classy. What's the entrée?

Nova Scotia salmon.

Doofenshmirtz

Mmm-mmm! Delish. Here's you station! [literally kicks man off the train] Say "hi" to your wife for me.

[tumbles across a field, through a playground, and into his house]

Well, someone's home early.

The conductor says "hi".