Mark quotes from Peep Show

Mark

(Shit! I'm losing him!) And if you look at the bottom, you'll see that my hobbies include history and going to the movies.

I like going to the movies.

Mark

(Of course you do. Everyone does. Man seeks woman. Must be interested in film, breathing oxygen and converting protein intake into muscle energy.)

Mark

Did you actually have to eat it?

I don't know. I keep wondering that. But in the moment, it really did feel like I needed to eat it.

Did you slink off to bed before we did the melon-off?

Mark

I believe I did, and what exactly is....

Two guys get hard-ons, they put melons on their dicks, the first melon to fall off loses.

Mark

Right, and who won - Gore Vidal or Dr Jonathan Miller?

Mark

Nancy stayed over?

Jeremy

Yeah. Lovely, clean Nancy all over our filthy disgusting sofa.

Mark

Well, you should be more careful you... jizz-cock!

What?

Mark

You could have had my legs off you... piss-kidney.

Arsehole!

Mark

(Arsehole! Yep, nice insult. Clean, clear and insulting.)

You OK?

Mark

Yeah, yeah, fine. Bit of a wobble. I just proposed to a woman in a coffee shop and tried to get myself run over.

OK. Right. That is maybe a sign that everything isn't totally groovy.

Let me piss in that prayer bucket.

Mark

Prayer bucket?... [looking round] There's no such thing as... that's just a bucket.

Okay, I'm gonna creep up to the bucket...

Mark

No no no, you can't move!

What am I gonna do then? I can't hold on!

Mark

If you really can't hold it in, then you'll just have to... piss yourself.

...you're telling me to piss myself?

Mark

Yes, if you've got to go, piss yourself.

Is this what it's come to?

Mark

Yes, and do it quietly!

Great! And what shall I do after I piss myself? Fuck myself? Eat myself? You're such a... [he has begun to urinate]

Mark

You're doing it already.

Yes, I'm doing it already! I'm so pathetic, that as soon as you ordered me to piss myself I started the procedure. This is what you've done, you've ground down my sense of self-worth over the years; I hope you're proud!

Mark

When are you going to stop?

Not for a bit.

Mark

Stop, Jeremy. S-Stop it, it's- it's going down the cracks.

I can't stop!

Mark

Stop!

Oh, piss yourself, stop pissing yourself, it's not that simple! The flood gates are open!

Mark

I'm ordering you to stop!

You're being a real dick about this, aren't you!

...but first I'm required to ask anyone present who knows the reason why these persons may not lawfully marry to declare it now.

Mark

(Oh please, someone save me! Jeremy? Spacemen?!)

The vows you are about to take are to be made in the name of God, who is Judge of all and knows all the secrets of our hearts...

Mark

(He's ladelling it on now. Is that in the proper thing or has he just added that to needle me?)

Mark

(Oh great, now she's crying. I probably look like a wife beater. It's not fair! I'm unhappy too!)

Will you take Sophie Hortensia Chapman...

Mark

("Hortensia"? Oh, this is a fucking disaster. Look at me! I'm one of those men women read about in their magazines!)

...and forsaking all others, be faithful to her, as long as you both shall live?

Mark

I will. (That's it. I've ruined it! I've ruined my life! You only get one life, and I've ruined mine.)

[to Sophie] ...as long as you both shall live?

Mark

(Please don't say "I will".)

Sophie

[sobbing] I will.

Mark

(Uggh!)

Then I now pronounce you man and wife. (both Mark and Sophie weep) You may kiss the bride.

Mark

(Tears of joy. They're tears of joy. That's the line we both stick to, now and for the rest of our miserable lives!)

Mark

Come on Soph, you... you're worried about the caterers, aren't you? Not everyone will go for the tuna.

Sophie

I just feel terrible, I feel like I've been shot in the stomach.

Mark

Don't say that, Sophs! It's done now, we... we're over the hump.

Sophie

The hump! Our wedding the hump. [to driver] Stop the car! I just want to go and scrub it all out!

Mark

It's not that easy Soph, that - that was the Church of England marriage service, not applying for a Nectar card

Sophie

Whatever - divorce, annullment, I - I can't - this isn't what I want! [gets out of the car] He's horrible! I- [breaks down completely]

Mark

(That's it. I'm alone. Tomorrow morning I'll wake up in my bed alone. Unless... I hire a prostitute. Just for the night. Kind of like a wedding present?)

[from outside] You okay, man?

Mark

Me? Yeah, good... no... feeling pretty good.

Do you want some... company?

Mark

That'd be nice.

Mark

You know you really do smell quite strongly of piss.

Yes, and your hat and shoe smell of puke, so I guess neither of us are exactly the king, are we?

Mark

So... what now, back to the flat?

[to driver] Drive on!

Mark

So, Nancy, did she not show up?

No, she did ... with Super Hans, so that's nice. I think I might divorce her, see how she likes that.

Mark

Well, I suppose I should apologize for not letting you go and get her.

Yeah, I was pretty pissed off about that. But, I was thinking of waiting for a bit before I brought it up.

Mark

Oh, that's nice. Thanks man.

It's fine. I'll just chuck it in with all my other moldering resentments.

Mark

Exactly. Stick it on the bill.

Mark, double date tonight?

Mark

No...what's she like...is she sexy?

Mark, beggars can't be choosers. She's an actual woman.

Mark

It's too early, I'm not into it. No, I'm still technically married. I'm not safe to be reintroduced into society yet.

We might need to tidy up a bit. And we may have to untape the DVD and video and TV and Sky remotes

Mark

[disappointed] The Megatron? But....no

It smells wrong. I mean, the Megatron doesn't say 'urban freewheeelers', it says 'sofa masturbators'...y'know

Here we are. What are you doing?

Mark

Friends of the British Museum magazine. Clearly I'm not a Johnny Depp Tony Parsons Hunk of the Month, I need my props, I have my rituals.

[whispering] When do we get to go out?

Mark

[whispering] As far as I can make out, we get to go out for a bit in an hour, then we have to come back for two hours.

You're kidding. I think I'll die.

Mark

If this was on television, nobody would be watching.

Oh God. Why aren't we watching television? [...] I've got Heat on DVD at home. We're watching this, when for less money we could be watching Robert de Niro and Al Pacino.

Mark

I'm going to pretend I am watching Heat.

OK. Let's just pretend we're watching Heat.

Mark

Have you called the locksmith, have the police already been?

No, I thought I'd check with you first, coz, I mean what do you call?....or do you do it all online now?

What's this?

Mark

(Oh, the Megatron is shrinking my massive balls!)